Page 12 of Heal For Me

“I know this isn’t something anyone wants to think about, but I suggest you do because she could be awake any day now, and the ball will need to be rolling as soon as she is. We take suicidal patients very seriously. Sorry, Coach, but she might miss a few practices.”

If only that was my main concern. “Thank you.”

He dips his chin before walking away.

Thinking of Payson as a suicide patient is difficult and sends my body into a frenzy. She is, I know she is, but I guess it is hard to think of her that way. Since meeting Payson, I’ve known she was broken. It was obvious, even in the highlight reels, but seeing her in person—that sadness and the disconnect from everyone around her is so prominent in her eyes. Payson is beautiful and broken. I often wondered how she’s never dated before me, how she doesn’t have blokes following her around school and asking her out, but it makes sense now. Payson comes with baggage that high school guys are not looking to carry. They wouldn’t know how to handle all her quirks, not really, anyway. Payson needs an authority figure who isn’t afraid to tell her what to do, within reason, of course. She needs guidance.

She needs me.

The more I think about it, if Payson and I weren’t together, I have no doubts she would have ended up with an older man still. She craves that power play, knowing she is cared for in only the way we can. The way I can. No other man would understand her like I do. I know that for sure.

I only wish I understood her enough to not have let what happened, happen. I should have never ghosted her for those few days. I shouldn’t have fucked her that day in my office and left. I’ve made mistakes in our relationship, more than most in such a short amount of time, but no more. When she opens those big, beautiful eyes, I will be there with open arms, ready to protect her from the world.

Mum drags a finger behind Payson’s ear, probably pushing a stray hair away. Plaiting her hair was a difficult task, and it’s not my best work, but at least it’s out of her face. I move closer and Mum’s familiar humming fills my ears; a song she used to hum when I was a young boy. Memories flood my mind as I take a seat.

“I haven’t heard that song in a long time.”

A gentle smile dusts over her lips. “You used to love Elvis.”

“I think I loved him because you did, Mum.”

She mirrors my smile before continuing. She was nearly done by the time I walked in. I take Payson’s hand between mine and lay my head down. The lack of sleep is catching up to me. It’s not like I don’t have time to sleep—I’m here a lot and could sleep, but I’m also home more than enough hours to sleep a proper time—it’s what happens when I close my eyes.

Images of Payson, wet and bloody are the perfect things to keep sleep at bay. I have to wait until I’m about to pass out and just pray dreams don’t interrupt me once I do. Nightmares are more like it. Ones where I don’t get to her in time. I didn’t pick up the phone and she died all alone in that bloody field.

I almost didn’t answer, I was still mad at her and wanted a minute to breathe, but something told me I needed to. Now I know why.

That conversation is one I will never forget, even if I wanted to.

“Payson?” I know it’s her, she’s the only one with that ringtone, but I don’t know what else to say. I’m not happy with her.

“Do you want to get married in the afternoon or evening.”

My hand pauses from cutting the carrot in front of me, my eyebrows pinched. “What?”

“I think during the sunset, you think that would be pretty?”

We haven’t talked in days, and the last time I saw her, I fucked her and left, now she’s calling to talk about our wedding?

I listen harder, and recognize the loud noise in the background, as the same noise as the rain pounding against my tin roof. What the fuck is she doing outside in the rain?

“Payson, where are you?” I dry my hands against the towel on my shoulder and toss onto the counter.

“I think a spring wedding would have been nice.”

Would have.

“Payson.” The phone complains against my tightening grip. “Where are you?”

“I love you, Ash, I always have, you know? You were the only consistent thing in my life when I needed it most.”

I pull the phone away and pull up her location. Thank fuck she didn’t shut it off. But where the . . .

The field.

The field I took her to after the fashion show where I tied her up and fucked with her head. Pushed her to her limits.

Yelled at her about how fucked she is.

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