Page 27 of Heal For Me

Payson’s memory is better than anyone could have imagined. She is passing all the “tests” with flying colors. The doctors couldn’t be more thrilled. I’m happy too, but she’s not mentioned her grandpa since the first day, and it’s starting to worry me. She catches me watching her often, and I play it off as just not believing she’s awake, which is true, but it’s also because I’m waiting for her to explode.

I know Paul would say Payson’s state is a miracle, but I’m not Paul, and I say it has everything to do with my girl’s impressive strength and stubbornness.

There are still several things in the air, but she gets to go home tonight. As much as I wish it was my place, I now agree Jethro’s is the best. I still have a house full, and that’s not what Payson needs. I’d love her to meet my family, but I don’t think now is the time. Mum offered to push their flight back so they could stay, but I assured them it wasn’t necessary. I’m fine now that she’s awake. She also made me promise she would fly Payson to England so they could meet officially soon, and I did because I’d love nothing more than to show Payson England.

Jethro agreed to take some time off work since Payson will need constant monitoring. I think that’s the only reason he agreed I could come to his house to sit with her, not that he had much of a choice. Payson is attached to my side and I’m not complaining. She has knee surgery in a week, and the doctor said we all need to sit down and discuss what happens after. Well, he didn’t include me in that, but I will be there. I can’t imagine how she will handle that news. Do I think it would be good for her? Essentially, yes, but she has to want it, and I’m not sure she is ready for all that just yet.

I thought Payson being awake would allow me to sleep better, but she’s been up for almost an entire week and my sleep is still shit. I’m up checking my phone numerous times a night, worried I might miss a call from her. I haven’t yet, but it doesn’t stop the anxiety. My family left a few days ago, and the house has been quiet, but it’s nice. Luca, Parker, and I are making sure we eat dinner together as a family every night, and soon, Payson will be able to join us. Instead of spending most of my time at the hospital, I’ve been at Jethro’s.

Things couldn’t be better between us, the same as before, and I’m ecstatic but both Jethro and I watch her like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Neither of us can figure out what is going on in her head. Yesterday, she was able to remove the bandages on her arms, she had me do it, and she flinched when the cuts were revealed. We didn’t talk about them, but I kissed each one, then her lips, and promised her everything was okay.

I don’t know what else to say, if I’m honest. I’d love to believe everything is okay, but I’m not sure I do. What are the odds Payson is just fine now? Not high. She lost her grandpa, the one person in this world—besides me—that she loves more than anything. Cutting has been a part of her for years, and I’m not convinced that part of her is just over. Maybe everything since the last time has been enough to rid her of it forever, but I’m just not convinced.

“How is Payson today?” Luca walks into the living room, taking his place in the chair across from me and eyeing the TV as he turns it on and flicks through channels. I just got home from Jethro’s since Parker should be home from school soon and I needed to make dinner. Payson was napping when I left, which she’s been doing a lot. The logical side of me realized she’s exhausted and needs the sleep even though she just woke up from the longest nap ever, her body doesn’t feel that way and she’s tired a lot. The other side of me worries she is sleeping so much because she is avoiding certain aspects of her life.

Like when Jethro mentioned taking her to her grandpa’s to pick up anything she might want. Instead of breaking down, she simply said, “No thank you.” I once called Payson out for being calm because it didn’t settle with me, and we are back at this place where I don’t know what to expect from her. Good days that aren’t really good days at all, because she’s so… calm. Or bad days when everything eventually hits her.

Payson is emotional—even if she says she’s not, and seeing her emotionless doesn’t settle well. The difference is, this time I know she’s not cutting. Jethro is very strict about her wearing short sleeves, and he’s gotten rid of or locked up anything she could use to cut herself. Plus, his house is set up like Fort Knox with bloody cameras everywhere. If she was going to be anywhere other than with me, I can’t lie that Jethro’s is probably a good place.

“Fine, she was napping when I left. Again.”

“Ah.”

The air between us is awkward. It has been ever since Payson’s attempt. I don’t blame him for acting the way he did and raging at me. I only wish he did it sooner. My love for Payson blinded me from what was really happening. Luca saw it the entire time, at least after he discovered I was cutting her.

Truthfully, things haven’t been normal since I asked—no, demanded—he eat Payson’s pussy, and I have no one to blame besides myself. I thought it would help the immense jealousy I feel anytime I see her with the opposite sex, it didn’t. I didn’t kill Luca on the spot, but that’s not because I didn’t want to. He is my best friend, so I guess it helped a small amount, but the anger I’ve felt for him ever since wasn’t worth it. It’s not a lot, because I know it’s my fault, but there’s annoyance deep in the shadows anytime he’s around. I know he feels the same for me, but for a different reason. His is at least valid.

He turns on a football game—English football—and we settle in to watch. About halfway through the game, Luca mutes it and faces me. My body tenses, unsure what he will say. He doesn’t look pissed, or annoyed, almost excited, so I relax a bit.

“What are your plans for the summer?”

“I’ve not thought that far ahead, why?” Luca is heading to Italy, but my plans were to just hang around here. I hope he’s not about to ask to bring Parker. I’m not ready to be away from him when we are in such a good place finally.

“You should go home.” He licks his lips.

I blink, not understanding. “Last I checked, this was my home.”

He doesn’t smirk, laugh, or even shift. “To England.”

“I haven’t lived in England in years. I’d hardly consider that my home.”

Luca leans forward and grabs a magazine from the table between us and slides it across to me.

Football Programs to Jumpstart Your Professional Career. In small letters just under it is something about it being held in England.

“I think it would be a good thing for Parker. He really loves football.”

I know it would be. The reason we even have the bloody magazine is because I’ve been researching the best path for Parker. If Luca would have opened the magazine, he would see the notes and dog-eared pages from when I read it the first hundred times.

“I know this.” My voice is firm. “But he just got settled here. He was uprooted from his life—twice. I am not sure he could handle a third time.”

“Him, or you?” His face softens for the first time since he sat down, and I see a glimpse of my best friend. “Remember when volleyball was your entire life? You would—and did—do anything you could to be your best.”

He’s right. It wasn’t easy moving countries at such a young age. Especially when my family wasn’t able to follow me, but it was worth it. Mostly. If Parker did this, I would move with him because there is nothing serious holding me. I love coaching, but I love my son more. I’d be lying if I didn’t look up coaching positions in England either. There aren’t many options, but that’s not saying it’s impossible. My ego would love if I made volleyball more popular over there. It’d be a lot of work but worth it.

Parker most likely wouldn’t mind the move if football was involved. Maybe that’s why I never mentioned it to him. I could quit my coaching position. It’d be upsetting to leave the girls because I really love watching my team flourish, but with their record last season, I bet there wouldn’t be an issue finding my replacement. A process I would be a part of, I’m not leaving it to just anyone.

My house would easily sell in today’s market; for more than it’s worth too.

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