Page 3 of Heal For Me

Janelle’s weak smile fades and tears fill her eyes. She turns her attention back to Payson and strokes the back of her hand.

“Why isn’t she awake yet, Coach?”

There’s that thickness in my throat again. Some coach I am. Fucked a player prior to the season, even if I didn’t know, it’ll never not bother me. Then I went and fell in love with another, and did unspeakable things to her. I never thought about her playing or her future. I was so worried about getting my needs filled I considered nothing else. That’s not what a good coach does, not even close.

“They don’t know.”

“I feel so guilty.”

“Why do you feel guilty?” Janelle is not even on the list of people who led to this very moment, it makes no sense for her to feel guilty.

She drags her sleeve under her eyes. “I left her, and look what happened.”

“You have no reason to feel guilty, Janelle.” I grab and hug her, hoping it’s more comforting than I feel. I exert all my energy on Payson and being here ready for anything that I have little to spare. “You are doing what is best for you, exactly what Payson would want, you know that.”

“Doesn’t stop the guilt, though.” Her voice is soft.

I swallow against the permanent lump in my throat. “Trust me, I know.”

I let go, Janelle grabs hold of Payson’s hand, and strokes the back side. “You shouldn’t feel guilty either. We all could have seen this coming, but no one looked hard enough. Payson is a master at hiding what is happening in her head.”

From the moment I noticed the signs of self-harm, I was anxious for that call. But somehow, she made me forget the horrified feelings regarding the situation and shifted them into something sinister. Payson looks like an angel, but her demons are persuasive. Unfortunately, I let them talk me into doing ghastly things. If anyone is to blame for Payson lying here today, it’s me for encouraging her cutting. It’s me for thinking I was handling it when I wasn’t. Not even close.

“I didn’t think it was this bad,” I admit in a hushed tone.

“No one cuts themselves for fun, Ash.” Janelle grips Payson’s wrist and flips her arm over, exposing the cuts. Including the word beautiful I carved after Janelle and Payson’s fight. I look away, unable to handle the sight any longer. “You’ve convinced him that this helps you,” Janelle once said. Payson convinced me, but it didn’t take much. What? One pleading look and I sliced her open. I caved so easily, not once thinking about the repercussions or what the future would look like. Did I really believe she would outgrow this? Like it was some phase or some shit? Or maybe it would always be something we did. And when we have kids, we would need to explain why Mum is always bandaged? Fuck no. I don’t bloody know what I was thinking. All I know is that another blade will never touch Payson’s skin. Ever.

Janelle, Mum, and I are sitting around Payson, softly discussing various things. Mostly Janelle’s time in California, when Henry and Ronni walk in. He holds the door for her and bows when she walks past.

“My lady.”

Ronni giggles, and I shoot a look at Mum, then Janelle, who is already crossing her arms over her chest, like a disapproving parent who just caught their child doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Like, flirting with a man you don’t know while your best friend lies in a coma. I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t approve. I think we disapprove for different reasons, because there is no way she could know Henry is an even bigger player than I was and is completely cut off from real love. But no matter how either are, this isn’t the bloody time.

“Where have you been?” Janelle’s tone is harsher than I expected. We’ve only been sitting here maybe twenty minutes after I changed, so I’m not sure how long they were gone before I got here, but must have been long enough to piss her off.

“I told you we were—”

“You forget why we are here?” Janelle snaps.

Ronni darts her eyes to Payson but is quick to look away. She catches my glare for a moment, and something like disgust passes over her face, but she lowers her eyes to the ground before I can get a good look.

“No.”

“Could have fooled me. Payson would never leave your side if roles were reversed. But she always was the better friend. Wasn’t she, Ron?”

She says nothing. Her shoulders tense but she keeps her mouth shut and head pointed down.

“Whatever.” Janelle falls back into her seat and takes Payson’s hand once again. Anger burns around her like an abandoned flame.

The room fills with heavy tension, and Henry walks to my side.

“I told you to stay with her.” I keep my voice low but firm.

“I did, but I got hungry, and Janelle was here.”

“You could have asked a nurse to bring you something.” I’m doing my best to keep my chill, but seeing how careless Henry is about this is exactly why I hated the thought of him sitting with Payson. Mum assured me everything would be okay, and I guess it is, but it doesn’t change the fact he left when I told him not to. “Some things never change,” I growl.

He scoffs. “You expect me to just sit here and what? Watch her breathe for hours?”

---