Page 42 of Heal For Me

It’s like I’m looking at Ash for the first time without a filter. He looks run-down and like he’s barely holding it together. His body is as immaculate as always but he’s thinner than he used to be. Deep bags rest under his eyes, and I wonder what he is doing all night while I sleep because he’s obviously not. His hair is long, which isn’t a bad thing, but all of it together is a flashing red light I didn’t notice before. Has he been like this since I . . . Guilt rips through me like a hot blade. I caused the great Ash Pearson to crumble. The last time I noticed he was slipping, he hate-fucked me. I don’t think that will happen this time. One, I can’t physically handle it and two, I’m not sure he could either.

The thought of Ash being weak never occurred to me. I’ve always counted on him to hold and protect me, but what has been happening to him while he was busy protecting me? I’ve been so blinded by my own pain I never considered what it was doing to Ash.

“I love you,” I whisper because I don’t know what else there is to say.

His dull eyes brighten for a moment with a gentle smile that only hurts more. “I love you too. Always.”

Forever.

19

Ash

I open the door to a snowy Payson smiling up to me. My heart calms and I pull her into my arms. She’s not healed from her surgery, but she’s off crutches and can walk. Physical therapy starts after the first of the year.

“Merry Christmas, babygirl.”

Her voice is muffled against my chest as she replies.

Janelle bounds up the steps, carrying a handful of presents, and a big smile on her face. “Merry Christmas, Coach.” She stops just inside the door and passes me a small box. “This one is from me.”

I glance at Payson, but she simply shrugs.

“Well, thank you, Janelle. Your gift is under the tree.”

“Sweet!” She bounds off like a child on . . . well, on Christmas Day. Behind her, her mum, stepdad, and ex walk through the door. They each look at how my arm is wrapped around Payson but say nothing. Janelle must have given them a rundown. Still, her mum’s smile is tight and uncomfortable. Which is fair.

Finally, Jet trails up the steps, taking his sweet time.

“I prefer not heating the outside.”

He rolls his eyes. “Merry Christmas, Scrooge.”

“Yeah, back at you, Grinch.”

I shut the door, and Payson turns in my arms to look up at me with doe-like eyes. “I bet one day, you two are going to be best friends.”

It’s Christmas, so I’ll let her believe whatever fairytales she wants, but I can promise that is never going to happen.

Payson

I never cared for Christmas growing up. He always dragged us to his mother’s house, and it was never enjoyable for anyone involved. Being around so many people I actually like is nice, though.

Ash’s tree is modest, not overly decorated and could definitely use more tinsel, but I wasn’t able to help decorate this year. Next year for sure.

He served an amazing dinner that kept me wondering if there was anything he was bad at. I doubt it. Now sitting around the tree with so many loved ones, my heart settles. I lean back against Ash’s chest. It’s a little weird with Janelle’s family and Uncle Jet here, but it’s Christmas and I think we are all looking to have a drama-free evening.

We’re mostly done with presents when Ash kisses my head and scoots out from behind me, saying there is one he forgot about.

When he returns, he’s not carrying anything, he’s holding a leash. My heart stops, and when the cutest yellow lab I’ve ever seen trails into the room, my heart bursts.

There’s no way. But he walks up to me, passes me the leash, and grins, but I can’t move.

He got me a dog. He actually got me a dog. I’ve always wanted a dog! But how did he . . . the interviews Amanda had us fill out.

The dog jumps forward, coming to kiss me. Unable to help myself, I let it sniff me before I throw my arms around it. I don’t squeeze it hard, but I don’t think it would mind anyway since it falls on my lap and shows me his belly.

“Please tell me that he is mine and I get to keep him.”

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