Page 44 of Heal For Me

“Would I ever want anything else?”

Touché. “I’m scared. I’m scared what it’s going to be like. I’m scared what they are going to do to me. I’m scared it’s not going to work.” I twist my lips, praying I don’t cry. I’ve done my best to keep my feelings inside lately, so I just need to do it for a little bit longer. Todd trots over, sits at my feet, and nudges at my hands. He’s definitely helping a lot. An emotional support dog sounds fake, like an excuse someone would use to get their dog in places they aren’t allowed, but the short time I have had with Todd has been so nice, his company alone is comforting. “And I’m scared about what being away from Ash will do to me.”

Uncle Jet stalks forward and wraps his big arms around me. He’s not as built as Ash but he’s definitely as hard.

“You have no reason to be scared, Payson.” He cups my shoulders and sits on the edge of my bed so we are eye level. “I did three background checks on the building and everyone that has ever stepped foot inside and I checked it out for myself in person. If I didn’t believe it was a safe place for you, you wouldn’t be going. You will have the option to keep your phone or not, it’s entirely up to you and if you want the outside distractions. If you don’t, there are still phones in every room and I had them program my number into your speed dial one.” He pauses, then mumbles, “And Ash is number two, per his request.”

“Thank you.” I bury myself back into him for a tight hug. “For everything.”

“Anytime, kid.” He pulls away and stands. “Now, get some sleep.”

Oddly enough, I will miss him bossing me around.

I’ve been sleeping good with Todd curled up next to me—despite Uncle Jet complaining about the dog being on the bed—but not last night. Last night I slept like shit. A dreamless sleep, which is the norm lately, but I tossed and turned the entire night, as much as my knee allowed. I can’t wait to start physical therapy to get all functions back.

Looking in the mirror, I take in my appearance. My hair has gotten long, nearly to my ass, and I’m due for a trim, at least, but I’ll leave it for a little while longer. My skin is milky because I haven’t been in the sun in a while. I guess California might help with that.

Overall, I look older, but it’s not in a good way. I look run-down. I guess how you feel on the inside is reflected on the outside. It’s been a while since I’ve really looked at myself. I rarely think about my appearance despite Ash constantly complimenting me.

How did we not notice how the other was looking? I would find Ash sexy no matter what, and I assume the same about him for me, but this isn’t normal aging.

I look away and grab my toothbrush. There is no point in focusing on it. When we come together again, we will be a powerhouse, I can feel it.

There’s a heavy knock on the door and then his voice muffled through it. “I’m taking our bags out to the car.”

“Okay. I’m almost done.”

I’m winding up my straightener and not paying attention when I lose my balance. I reach for something to grab onto but the towel slips from my hands and I slam against the shower door. The glass splits, then shatters before I feel it.

Everything in my body aches as I sit on the bathroom floor, covered in my own blood. Panic sets in because I don’t know where I’m bleeding from but it’s everywhere. Reluctantly I flip my arms over and I’m hit with that same feeling from the day I tried ending it all. I can feel Ash behind me, holding me and begging me to stay awake. That was the moment I regretted my decision, but by then, it was too late. I had accepted my fate and was okay with it.

“Payson!”

I snap my head up to Jethro breathing hard and glaring at me, and behind him is Todd trotting around, obviously stressed but unable to get to me.

“I-I fell.” I shake my head quickly. “I wasn’t, I mean—I didn’t.” Words fail to come, but I need him to know I wasn’t cutting myself.

He rushes forward and clears the glass from around me. “Are you okay? What the fuck happened?”

“I-I lost my balance a-and fell.” Before I can stop them, tears burst from my eyes. With shaky hands, I reach for Uncle Jet, just wanting some comfort. He is hesitant, but I cling onto him. “I swear I wasn’t cutting. I fell. I promise I fell.”

I’ve never felt so disgusted with the idea of cutting.

He shushes me and rubs my back. “I need to check you over for glass stuck anywhere. Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere.” A sob rips through me at the same time the memory of saying goodbye to my grandpa fills my head.

“Easy, Payson. You don’t want to cut yourself anymore.”

He’s right. I don’t. I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t occurred over the last couple weeks, but in this moment of Uncle Jet’s sighs and Todd’s whimpers, I wish I never would have picked up a blade a day in my life.

But that’s the thing, you can’t go back in time and change things. Every decision you make is forever.

And that really blows.

21

Payson

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