Page 56 of Heal For Me

“It’s so you.” Mika smiles.

“You know the craziest part is, it was his nan’s. He didn’t even pick it out specifically for me.”

“That’s fate if I’ve ever heard it.” Monica lowers it back to my chest. I put it on a necklace since I’ve been doing so many ring-unfriendly things. Ash wasn’t thrilled when I told him, but I promised I put it on properly most of the time, which I do, but I just got out of the shower after taking Todd on a run.

“We get to come to the wedding, right?”

That’s when Janelle decides to butt in. “Yes.” She narrows her eyes at me, attempting to be intimidating, but failing. She’s been trying to bully me into a wedding since the moment I said I didn’t want one.

“No.” I sigh. “I’m not doing a wedding without my grandpa.”

She knows she can’t argue with me there, it’s basically my trump card. Although, I really do feel that way, it’s an easy way to get her off my back.

An awkward beat passes but Monica interrupts it.

“Coach is never going to let you skip out on a wedding.”

And there is the bigger trump card. Ash’s stubbornness. He is so adamant about seeing me in a white dress walking down an aisle, but I don’t care about the wedding, I just want the marriage. Marriage might not be important to anyone else, and honestly, I’m not sure why it is to me, because look at the examples I’ve had, but to have that tie to Ash is something I’ve dreamed about before I even knew what it meant.

I want to call him my husband and me his wife. Without the big show of it.

I’m sure there is something I can come up with to convince him to drop the need for a proper wedding. Maybe anal. Or a baby. I’ve not healed that much that I think I’m ready for a baby, but it might be the one thing Ash wants more than a wedding.

I did, however, think he would fly here and force my hand in marriage when our future anniversary came and passed, but he didn’t. He came here and we spent a lovely weekend together, but there was no marriage and he once again threatened that because I was making him wait an entire year, I would owe him something big.

The best part about Blue Gate is showing off any scar I want and not feeling embarrassed because I’m not the only one with them. Not everyone has a name scarred into their abdomen, or the word beautiful etched onto their arm, but I have seen others with carvings. I was nervous about showing my body when I first got here, but the first time Janelle and I came to the pool I saw two other people with self-harm scars on various parts of their bodies. The next time, I came down in a bikini, and haven’t looked back. It’s nice feeling comfortable in your own skin for once. Even with my extra weight. Over the last several months, I’ve eaten better than I ever have, and it’s showing. I’m finally able to start running again, and I’ve seen some of it melt away, though.

“Is that his name?” Mika yelps after I remove my shirt. I forgot they hadn’t seen it.

“Carved into your skin?” Monica leans closer.

I swallow hard and force any embarrassment or shame down. One thing Dr. Herringbone has been working on with me is not being ashamed of my past, but accepting it for what it is and moving forward. It’s harder when it’s people you know seeing it for the first time, though.

“Isn’t it so romantic? In like a Romeo and Juliet way.” Janelle offers with a supportive smile.

I burst out laughing and drop my shirt onto the chair next to me. “Yeah. A tattoo wasn’t good enough for him, apparently.”

Unlike his mark. I smile thinking about his tattoo of my name. He mentioned in a letter another tattoo that has something to do with me, and I can’t wait to see what he did. That pit I’ve had in my stomach the entire time we’ve been apart grows, but I shove it away and do my best to focus on my friends. I still can’t believe they came all this way to visit me.

We relax in the chairs, enjoying another hot, sunny day. Since becoming summertime, or presummertime, the heat is wild. Nothing like Michigan at all, but has been great for my tan. Todd, however, doesn’t enjoy the heat as much, so I often let him stay inside with the front desk employees. They feed him lots of treats, and he’s able to greet anyone that walks in the door. He loves it.

Various people swim but it’s still peaceful. I don’t know if the peacefulness will follow me home, but I hope so. I’ve cried, hurt, and accepted things here more than I ever had but accepting things from afar is different from being close to the pain.

Like when I have to go to my grandpa’s to get my stuff and he’s not there. I’ve shared so many memories of my grandpa with my therapist, and cried while doing it, but there is a part of me that refuses to believe he’s actually gone.

I’m living in a world where he’s not, and I refuse to accept it. Dr. Herringbone suggested I visit his grave once I get back to Bayshore, but I don’t know if I can do that yet.

My heart is still so broken over it. I’ve accepted my mom’s death, but that wasn’t nearly as hard. I wish she went out a different way, I wish we would have had a different relationship than we did, but they are all choices she made, and I can’t change them now. She didn’t choose to be brutally murdered, but she chose to stay with him despite all the warning signs. I know it can be difficult to get yourself out of a situation like that, but I’ll never understand why Jason and I weren’t enough for her to do it.

One day, Fred will be caught and he will pay for everything he has done. Or maybe he already has, I’m not sure. I don’t ask Uncle Jet about him, and he doesn’t bring him up. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to Fred. As long as he is nowhere near me, he can stay in whatever cave he crawled into and hopefully die. A long, slow, and painful death, preferably.

When the sun becomes too hot, I sit up and nudge Janelle. She’s on her stomach and sits up groggy like she was about to fall asleep. “I’m going to swim.”

“Okay.” She yawns, maybe she was asleep. “I’ll be there in a sec; I have to piss.”

Thank God we don’t pee in pools anymore.

“I’ll come!” Mika cheers. Poor girl is the fairest of us all and has had to reapply sunscreen three times and moved under the umbrella next to us.

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