Page 59 of Heal For Me

And lick your pussy too. Fuck I miss tasting you.

You better be ready to spend a fucking week in bed, babygirl. I’m not letting you up until you’re so full of my cum you’ll never be dry of it.

Now I’m fucking horny.

Heal, but come back to me soon.

Yours, always and forever, Ash.

I love you.

I cry at every letter, and this one is no different, but while my cheeks dampen, my smile is huge. He’s such a dork. He’d have my throat if he heard me call him that, but his brother is right. He’s whipped, and I couldn’t love it anymore than I do.

I tuck the letter away, planning on ripping open the other one when I feel eyes on me. Looking up, Janelle’s eyes are on me and wide, like she’s studying me.

“What?”

“Why are you still here?”

“What do you mean?” I choke on an awkward laugh at the question.

Her eyebrows bunch with confusion and maybe a bit of sadness. “You called him Freddie, Pay. Fredd-ie. A couple months ago you froze in fear at that name, and I just heard it come from your mouth like it’s no big deal.”

A nervous sweat begins to creep up my spine. I don’t like feeling interrogated, so I turn for the elevators. “It’s not a big deal.”

Janelle steps in front of the buttons before I can press one. I let out a frustrated sigh. “Don’t you want to get a few hours of sleep?”

“No,” she snaps, but it’s not mean. More urgent than anything. “I want to know why my best friend is hiding out here.”

“I’m not hiding. I’ve been in the same place for months.”

“Pay.” Her lips twist down, and my blood pressure spikes. “What’s going on, for real? I’ve never seen you happier, like legit happy. It’s been years, if ever I’ve seen you so . . . relaxed, yet there is one thing holding you back from being truly satisfied. Why don’t you want to go home to Ash?”

The walls around me slowly crumble until I’m attempting to dig my way out, but failing. And I burst into tears. Slapping my hands over my face, I try to conceal it but her arms are around me before I can. Todd nudges his way between us and licks my leg.

“Talk to me, Pay.” Her voice is soft.

I’ve talked more about my feelings during my time here than ever, but these aren’t ones I have mentioned to anyone. It’s silly, and yet it doesn’t stop me from having them. Janelle lets me calm down enough before she pulls away. I wipe my eyes and step back to catch my breath. Turning so I face the large glass windows, I look out over the front of the property so I don’t have to look at her.

“I’m scared.”

“Of wha—”

“I’m scared that I’m going to go back to Bayshore and fall into my old habits. I haven’t had a new cut in months, Jay. I’ve never gone that long before.”

She steps up beside me, but I keep my eyes trained on the lush landscaping surrounding the property. “I haven’t been able to say that since I started cutting years ago. I’m scared that being home will cause me to lose myself in the sadness of my grandpa.” She grabs my hand. My lip wobbles, but I hold it in. “I’ve still not accepted his . . . death, Jay. I can’t. I can’t survive in a world where he’s not.”

“You have, Pay. You’ve been doing it for months.”

Maybe, but I’ve been distracted by other things. “I don’t want to.” I admit softly. “I don’t want to die. I’m not suicidal.” Anymore. “But I don’t want to live someplace he’s not.”

She’s silent, and I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t know what to say either.

“But the thing I’m most scared about, the most selfish thing, is Ash not wanting me like he did. Like I’m too normal for him now. Ash likes projects, he likes caring for me, and what if I don’t need him for that anymore?” I turn us so we are face-to-face. “What if I don’t need him like I once did?”

It has occurred once or twice that Ash and I are trauma bonded. If I don’t have that burden to carry around anymore . . . what if we don’t fit like we think we do? I can’t stand the thought, but it’s one that pops into my head sometimes and is difficult to shake.

Janelle twists her lips, probably attempting to keep her own emotions at bay. “First off, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Grief is hard, might feel impossible somedays, but I know you, and when those days it hits you the hardest, you will still get out of bed and make life your bitch because you are Payson fucking Murphy hyphen Pearson, one day.” A laugh bubbles out of me and she smiles.

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