Page 6 of Heal For Me

At least he knows.

I don’t know how much guilt one person can hold before they break, but I think I might be close.

Paul

“Nana, look!”

Payson holds up the poor little frog she caught, nearly squeezing it to death. I’m close to taking it to ensure she doesn’t when Joy grabs it and cradles it in her dainty hands.

Payson looks up to me with bright, excited eyes. “Nana is holding it!”

Joy winks and bends down, slower than she used to, but that comes with old age. After Payson goes home, we will most likely fall asleep on the couch. We love having her over, but appreciate sleep a little more once she’s gone.

“Can we keep it, Nana? Can we?”

“What did Grandpa say?”

I hold back my grin, letting Payson break the news that she needed to ask her nana. My granddaughter has me wrapped around her little four-year-old pinky, and it’s impossible for me to tell her no.

“Did he now?” She lifts a challenging eyebrow. “Well, if we keep it, it can’t go home to its family.”

Payson thinks over her words for a moment. “What if it doesn’t have a family?”

Wise beyond her years, this one.

“It does,” I assure her, it’s the least I can do since I got Joy in this predicament.

“But what if it would rather stay here with me?”

Joy softens her face and grabs Payson’s hand lovingly. “I bet it would love to stay with you. But it probably has a mommy and daddy that misses it.”

“Well . . . okay, if you’re sure.”

“I am,” Joy says, standing.

She grabs Payson’s hand and leads her to the woods behind our place to release the frog. Payson is rubbing her eyes when they return and walks right into my arms. She sniffles, and I pick her up. “What do you say we go inside and grab a couple fudgsicles before your daddy gets here.”

She perks up at fudgsicles, and I chuckle.

I wrap my arm around Joy as we wave to Hunter and Payson. He rolls the window down, letting her yell to us. “I love you, Nana and Grandpa!”

I love being a father, but being a grandfather might be even better.

“We love you more!” Joy yells as they disappear down the road. Then she sags against me and chuckles. “I don’t remember four-year-olds having so much energy.”

I press my lips to the side of her head. “We weren’t seventy years old back when we had a four-year-old, dear.”

“True.” She sighs. “Do you think we will be around a good while? You know, just to see her grow up.”

That’s one thing you worry about as a grandparent—dying before you get to see your grandbabies grow. I’m not afraid of death, I know where I’m going, but I fear leaving my family behind. Especially little Payson and Jason who look up to us so much. I know things aren’t great in my daughter’s house and our place is a nice break for them. It’s one of the main things I pray weekly about.

“I don’t know, I hope so.”

Joy nods against my shoulder. “I just want to see her happy. Them—I mean.”

I hold back my grin, knowing what she means. We love all our grandchildren, but those too hold a special place. Especially little Payson, with her being so young. So full of joy and life. It makes you step back and appreciate the small things, like a toad in your yard again.

She’s brought new life into our old bones.

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