Page 74 of Heal For Me

“If Payson were your patient, would you tell her to stay away from me?”

My question catches him off guard, but like always, he recovers quickly. I guess that’s what he was trained to do.

“If you heard the same story I told you, but from her perspective.”

He thinks for a moment. “The same story?”

I nod.

“No. I wouldn’t tell her to stay away.”

Shock rips throughout me, a little anger too. “Why?”

He places his notebook on the desk and folds his hands together on his lap. “Are you not pleased with my answer?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. That is the issue.”

“What’s the issue?”

This man is infuriating. My blood simmers. I knew I shouldn’t have showered this morning because like every time I get out of this hellhole, I will need to blow off some steam and I’ll need another shower. Usually I workout, or go for a run, but with Payson here . . . I can think of a different way to work up a sweat.

“What if I told you Payson wasn’t my twenty-two-year-old assistant coach and was a player? Then would you tell her to?” I harden my eyes and tighten my fists. “Hypothetically.”

I fibbed a little when giving him the information at our first appointment. Looking back, I’m not sure why I lied, but I think subconsciously the age gap is bothering me, or maybe always has, but I’m so blinded by lust I didn’t care. Not on her end but mine. What kind of man am I to be in love with a seventeen-year-old? Nothing will change, it’s too late and my fate is set, but I wonder if I’m the best option for Payson.

“Well—” He blows out a sharp breath. “If I had Ms. Payson in here telling her side of the story, and it matched yours . . . I still think my answer would be no, I wouldn’t tell her to stay away. Hypothetically, of course.”

“Why?” I growl.

“Can I ask you something first?”

“You’re going to anyway,” I grumble. My fists are cramping.

“Why are you so persistent for me to tell her she needs to stay away? Do you want her to stay away?” That goofy therapist look filters onto his face. A cross between curiosity and like he already knows the answer before you say it. Wanker.

No. I don’t want her to stay away. I’ve lived a life without Payson, it’s not one I enjoyed, and life is much better with her in it. “I just wonder if she should want to. Is it normal for a teenager to want someone my age?”

“Normal is subjective. To Payson, yes, it obviously is normal for her, but I would bet she has some peers that disagree.” To say the least. “If what you told me about her is true, then yes, it is quite common. The younger partner looking for the void left behind in a partner. So, if your dad abandoned you at a young age, you could—”

“Look for that in a partner.” My stomach twists, and my head begins to swim.

“Yes, but it is only a problem when you don’t know that is why you are doing it. If you are aware of the reasoning and can make a legitimate decision without pressure that it is not the reason for your attraction, then, in my professional opinion—there is nothing wrong with it. Older men have a lot to offer to anyone of any age. Within reason, of course, I would not suggest anyone underage ever get with anyone older. But sometimes, women are just interested in the gray hair and it’s nothing more than that.” He laughs but I don’t. I don’t have gray hair.

“What it sounds like to me is you are wondering if Payson is with you because of her feelings, or her trauma. My suggestion? Ask her.”

“Simple as that.” I laugh humorlessly.

“Yes, it is.”

Great, just ask the love of my life if she loves me for me or if because her dad left her when she was four and her stepdad molested her after. Easy fucking peasy, Doc.

I go to push to my feet but stop. “Can dreams be related to real life?”

“Oh, yes.”

Fan-fucking-tastic. “What would it mean if you dreamed up your daughter and her crying about her dad not being able to save her like he couldn’t save her mum?” I have discussed my dreams before, and he knows about her attempt. He knows everything besides her real age.

Leaning back in his chair, he crosses his arms and he leans back, completely at ease. Unlike me. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

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