Page 76 of Heal For Me

“I cannot in good conscious agree to that.”

Oh, now he has a conscience.

“How about we compromise.” William offers, like the good businessman he is. “We don’t do the museum this time”—ugh—“but we do the entire bus tour.”

That’s actually a good compromise because Janelle doesn’t have to do the museum and I get the full bus tour. We planned on only going to a few stops, but this way, I’ll get to see the full thing.

Eyeing Janelle, I know she is thinking it over, and when she comes to a decision, I drop to my knees and hold my hand across the coffee table to her. She gives it one large shake.

“Deal.”

“Brilliant!” William claps like a happy dad who stopped his daughters from fighting. Something tells me it took more than that to settle debates between his kids when they were younger.

The room clears, everyone heading in different directions, but Ash’s arm around my stomach keeps my rooted in place.

“Where were you?”

He peppers kisses across my jaw and down my neck, and a wave of goose bumps breaks out across my skin. “I went for a walk.”

That doesn’t seem very believable. “Ash.”

His kisses pause and he sighs, blowing his hot breath against my pebbled skin. “Sometimes, I have nightmares of that night. It can make it difficult to sleep.”

That night? What is he . . . oh. That night. A deep-rooted guilt I hadn’t felt before makes itself known, tugging my insides until I worry they might never go back to normal.

I never considered what that night did to Ash. I’ve dealt with the repercussions. I wear the scars on my arms as a constant reminder of a place I never want to be. But in the midst of all that, I never once considered Ash, really considered him, and his feelings. Selfishly, I believed he would simply move on. Like my death would be something he would mourn for a few months, maybe a year, and then he would meet someone new and forget all about me. Now that thought hurts more than cutting ever did. Not only did I not consider how my death would make him feel, but seeing me die is a whole new ball game. I could argue I didn’t expect him to come when I called, there’s a sliver of that being true because we were fighting, but I know Ash more than that. I knew he would look at my location and come to me. I wanted him to because I didn’t want to die alone.

Selfish.

He was meant to just hold me and watch me die . . . and then what, Payson? Go on with life like nothing happened?

Nightmares have interrupted my sleep as long as I can remember, only, Ash keeps them at bay and yet, I have caused him to have his own.

“Shh, baby,” he coos. He is talking about how I gave him nightmares and still he is the one holding me.

I bury my face into his chest and wrap my arms tightly around his neck. “I’m so sorry.” My voice shakes, but I will not cry. I spent years not crying, I can do it now.

“Don’t apologize, babygirl. I don’t want your apology.”

He might not want it, but he deserves it. “I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize.”

I’ve viewed Ash as a big indestructible being for so long, it’s sometimes hard to remember he’s human as well. He does such a good job protecting me I never considered that he deserves the same.

I pull away and cup his face like he often does mine. His stormy eyes scan my face.

“I never considered your feelings during all of this. It’s selfish, but unfortunately true. You’re Ash Pearson, the man I used to pray to like a god. Sometimes it’s hard to remember you’re not actually one.”

That earns me a panty-wetting smile. “You can pray to me anytime you want, babygirl. I’ll even let you drop to your knees while you do.”

Somethings never change, and Ash’s dirty mouth is one of them. But I have a feeling he is deflecting the conversation and that’s not okay with me.

“I’m sorry I gave you nightmares. Do you want to talk about them?”

“No.”

“Okay . . . well, if you ever do.”

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