Page 96 of Heal For Me

A few hours and pieces of cake later; I sit up from Ash’s chest, ready to move on with the rest of my day. There’s a heaviness in my chest, this is the first time I’ve actually said goodbye.

He might not be here in front of me, but this is the last worldly connection I have to him. I kiss two of my fingers and press them to the cool stone.

“I love you.” My voice is a whisper. Just then a single cloud passes over the sun and I can imagine that’s my grandpa winking.

A huge smile splits across my face and I look back at Ash. He’s smiling too.

“Told you.”

“Are you ready for volleyball to start?” Ash glances my way from his side of the truck.

“Yes, I’m ready to get back to normal. This summer, no, year has been a whirlwind of emotions, and just, a lot. It’ll be nice to just be a high school volleyball player,” I shoot him a sideways glance. “At least for the next few months.”

He squeezes my thigh in his hand. “I agree.”

Ash has it in his mind that when the season starts, we will take a break while we are at practice. Pretending to be only coach and player and not engaged. No more sex in his office he said. I snorted then and I could snort now. We both know he is going to be the first one to break on that.

When he mentioned wanting to let me focus on just playing for a while, I asked if he was going to start wearing a condom because a baby would really affect my ‘just playing’. The next day he had birth control ready to give me. I have no idea where, or how he got it, but I’ve learned it’s better to just not ask sometimes.

He would do anything to not wear a condom.

But the birth control has been nice too, it’s given me a normal period which doesn’t seem like such a great thing and I really hate having to remember it now, but at least my body is doing what it should.

“So, what else do you have planned for my birthday, future husband?” I grin from my seat, nearly bouncing. It’s been the best day already, I don’t really need anything else but if I know Ash—and I do—he’s booked the entire day with plans.

“You’ll see.”

Ash drives for a while before he is pulling onto a familiar road. I sit forward, eyeing the field in the distance and glance at him. Why is he bringing us here?

“This is the place that started our downfall. I have no good memories with you here.” He pauses, his eyebrows pull together like they do everything he remember that night. He still won’t talk about it much, but he did tell me about his therapist. At first, I didn’t believe him, but then he took me with him to meet Mr. Howard for a few sessions. I think it’s great that Ash is getting therapy, and now that I’ve had a good experience with therapy, I think everyone could benefit from talking to someone.

But, it doesn’t leave my head that I caused the great Ash Pearson to seek therapy.

“I do not want to have any places where our memories are not good, so.” He grabs my hand and pulls me from the car. “I’m going to fuck you—properly. The way you should have been the first time we were here.”

My stomach flips, but I’m not sure it’s in a good way.

By the time he gets the bed of his truck set up with the blankets and pillows I didn’t see before my anxiety is sky high. He stops in front of me and tilts my chin up.

“I love you, Payson. I am sorry I haven’t always treated you like it. But I will never make you cry again.

“Unless you’re crying out my name, or tears of joy.” He flashes a smirk and a laugh bubbles out of me. “A sad tear will not leave your eye with the thought of me in your head.”

And just like that, all the bad feelings I was having about what he wanted to do her disappear. I set out of his arms and towards the spot on the field. There’s no sign of what happened here. Washed away from the seasons, but like Ash, that’s not an easily forgotten moment in my life. I remember how I felt so vividly, but it’s like I’m looking at it from the outside now. No matter how hard I think about it, I can’t bring myself to go back to that point in my life. Which isn’t a bad thing, just a weird thing.

At one point I wanted to die, now the only thing I want to do is live. Fully, happily, and freely. I want to live my life the way I should have always lived it.

Starting with making love to my husband in the back of his truck like we are in some kind of country Hallmark movie.

39

Payson

I throw myself into the team huddle, not giving a shit that I’m covered in sweat like the rest of the girls because we just won nationals! The crowd is loud, singing our school song, and confetti falls from the ceiling above us. It’s a surreal feeling. On one hand, I’ve never been more excited in my volleyball career, on the other, I know this is the last time I will ever play high school volleyball. The last time I’ll play with these girls.

The start of the season was rocky, new girls trying to figure out how we would work together. Ash didn’t cut as many girls this season, which was nice for the most part.

He wasn’t here at the start of the season, still back in England making sure Parker was settled before he came over. There was a lot of back and forth on whether he would come back at all since Parker had decided he didn’t want to. Ash obviously didn’t want to leave Parker. I wanted him as my coach, but I would have understood. Luca did a great job for the weeks Ash wasn’t here, but ultimately, Parker told him to go.

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