Page 160 of The Holiday Heartbreaker

And this would have to end too.

But as that wave crashed over her, endless wave after wave of pleasure, it wasn’t the end that she saw before her.

“I love you.”

She sobbed it. That truth. And it flooded through her. A certainty in a truth that went beyond trust. That went beyond sex. That went beyond fantasy. And that. Only that, was enough.

And after that wave crested within her, after she felt her need subsiding, he unbound her wrists, slid the slick silk away from her, and drew her up close to his body.

He gazed down at her, his eyes fierce.

“Are you all right?”

It was the height of care. The way that he checked in on her after. Even though he already knew the answer. That wasn’t the point. He did it to show that he cared.

And she answered because she knew that it mattered.

“Yes.”

“I was nine,” he said, looking down at her. “The first time my father hit me. The first time I remember it. Because he did it with a closed fist. Because he did it in a way that was sure to leave a mark because he was never afraid of the consequences.”

“Zane...”

“You must know. You need to know. Because this is who I am, and it’s what made me. And you have given me the greatest gift. In you. But you must know exactly who I am. I remember camping outdoors as often as I could, anything to keep from coming home. Because it was miserable here. Damn, it was so miserable here. Just so... Bleak. I didn’t even mind so much when he hit me. It was easier to go to a place inside of myself. To shut it off. It was when he hit my mother, that was what was much harder. And you know, my older brothers... They were cruel like he was. I thought I was better than him. I really did. But then it was nicer sometimes to drink out of the still than it was to be conscious of where we lived and how little we had. And that was something I quit doing, when I started becoming aware that my mother was using the meth. And what it did to her. She used to be really pretty. She used to be sweet. She just got vacant. She was so beautiful. Then he broke her. He ruined her. Every part of her.” Something changed on his face, something shifting in his gaze. “I don’t want to ruin you. I don’t ever want to do that. I treasure you. Do you know that?”

“Yes,” she said. “You showed me that. Over and over again.”

“Good. Good. Shayna... By the time she left she was a shell of a woman. And I’ll tell you, part of me wondered if she really left, or if he did something to her. Because I wouldn’t put it past him. I wouldn’t put anything past him. Not ever.”

He took a breath. “Death is what comes from places like this. My brothers were never arrested, not given jail time like I was. And I think it’s why they’re dead. Because they never stopped. Not for one moment. To think. To get themselves on a different path.

“I had to. And that changed me. But I am this place. And I have been. And you are someone who was brought up in love. I was brought up by fists. Fear.”

“It isn’t who you are, though,” she said softly. “I see who you are. You’re the man who went to prison and decided to read. You’re the man who got out and looked for a job.”

“Yeah. I made friends with a rough crowd. And I... You know I was with a lot of women.”

“It’s okay.” It hurt a little bit. But she knew, without even having to ask, that those women didn’t have the connection with him that she did.

That what they had was unique, even if he had been with other people before.

“I need you to understand,” he said again, his voice rough.

She was trying to figure out why. What. She loved him. Hadn’t she declared that? But maybe it wasn’t enough. Maybe that was what he was trying to tell her. That it didn’t change his plans, that he still had to leave. That this was too broken for him to ever try to piece it back together. She did understand that. She did.

But she wanted it to be different.

But she had already changed so much in the last few weeks, and she didn’t know if she had one more shift left in her. To become strong enough to tell him that. Not when she’d already said that she loved him. And he hadn’t given her a response.

He did. This is it. He’s giving you more of himself, either to make it so you don’t love him, or to explain why he can’t love you.

She nodded. “I understand that the past hurt you. But I think you and I have both learned one thing and learned it well since our childhoods. And that is that... You don’t walk on any path you don’t choose to walk on. Being on the same one, well, that’s a choice, isn’t it? I chose to be the same for all those years. Until I chose to be different. And now... I can choose anything. And so can you. We both can.”

He didn’t speak. Instead, he kissed her. Drawing her against his body, and when they made love again, it was furious and fast. Against all odds, especially given how close together their pleasure was.

He didn’t withdraw after, and she didn’t want him to. She just held him. Until they went to sleep.

CHAPTER NINE

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