Page 50 of Best Friend Burden

They were, but not in the way that I had hoped.

“I think,” she said, “that if we could do that to each other, then we're not right for each other.”

No, no, no. I did not like where this was going. My heart rate shot up, and my breathing quickened as the world around me started to spin ever so slightly.

“And I hate that,” she said. “Because you're hot. And you're sweet. And you make me come so hard, it's unbelievable.”

She forced a smile at that, but immediately looked away after she did.

“But if I can bring out a trauma response in you like that,” she said, “that’s not right. And I told you I don't like being controlled. There can't be house rules if I'm going to be living with you.”

“Fine,” I said. “No house rules going forward. Mi casa es su casa.”

She shook her head. “That's not fair to you,” she said. “And the way you reacted last night... You think you mean it now, and maybe you do, but it'll happen again. You yourself said it. You're an addict. You can't have any alcohol around you. And I'm not about to give up living my life the way I want to just because you're afraid.”

With every word, I got more and more frustrated. Because I knew she was right.

“We've both got our demons, Kiefer,” she said. “So long as your demons are pulling you to addiction and memories of heartache, and mine are pushing me away from cages, this isn't going to work. And we're just going to resent each other. It happens to people in love all the time, and I am just not willing to put myself in one of those cages. I just can’t. I am sorry.” She turned her eyes away from me, trying not to cry.

And in that moment, I felt tears welling up in mine.

“Melody,” I said.

“It doesn't matter what you say. My mind's made up. Anything you do would just feel like a trap. Like you're trying to trick me into doing something I know I can't do.”

“God dammit,” I said.

“Tell me I'm wrong,” she said through tears. “Tell me, after what happened last night, that this is going to work out long term, that you won’t let your demons take control?” her voice laced with conviction.

I looked her in the eyes thought of being able to spend any more time with her. Even just a month. Or a week. Or even a day of getting to truly be together and appreciate it. I would lie to her for that.

But that felt wrong. Still, there was always the hope for possibility.

“There's a chance,” I said. “Even if it's only one in a million. We can somehow make this work. I'm willing to risk it.”

“Kiefer, I did something really stupid last night. I drove when I shouldn't have been driving. I only drove down the street and parked the car and slept the night off, but still even driving out of the parking lot was not right. I'm not about to say it was your fault, but it happened because of the two of us, who we are, and our past. I promised myself I wouldn’t change myself for anyone ever again. Will this ever happen again if we stay together?”

That was it. She got me. I had nothing else to say.

“I survived the night, but next time I might not be so lucky.”

“You're right,” I said, giving in. I let out a sigh. “What do you need from me?”

“I need you to come here and give me one last hug. I need you to know that I care about you, and this isn't what I want, but maybe this is what was meant to be,” she said, with tears forming in her eyes again. “Knowing now what we need to do individually to grow into exactly who we want to be, and that we met again so that we could set each other free.”

I kept looking at her while she spoke, trying to figure out a way to make all of her truths disappear. But she was very right, and there was nothing I could say or do to change it. So, I just stood there broken-hearted and listened.

“And then I'm going to go into my room to pack up my things. While I'm doing that, I need you to get ready for work and leave, knowing full well that when you come back home, I will be gone, and we can both grow into the people we want to become.”

I walked over to her and sat down on the couch, then wrapped her in my arms. She still smelled a little of whatever she was drinking last night, but underneath that, I could still smell her. And I wanted to kiss her, take her into my room, and make love to her all day.

She wanted the same thing. I could feel it.

“Goodbye, Kiefer,” she said as she squeezed me tightly.

I held on to the hug as long as I could, but I knew it was time to let her go.

“Goodbye,” I said with my heart feeling like a ton of bricks.

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