Page 51 of Best Friend Burden

She stood up and walked away from me into the guest bedroom, then closed the door behind her.

It was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life, but I did as she asked. I took a quick shower and got dressed, then left the apartment and drove off to work, all the while knowing I'd never see her again.

Now this was the second time I had to say goodbye to someone I loved, and it hurt just as much the first time.

CHAPTER21

***MELODY***

Iheard him leave. I heard it through the door of the guest room of his apartment. Everything was already packed — I just didn’t have that much with me. Being a woman who didn’t need too much to get by had its advantages.

On one hand, I didn’t want to accidentally run into him on the way out. Or bump into him as he turned back around because he forgot something. On the other, I didn’t want to stay in the apartment a minute longer than I had to.

That wasn’t because I hated it there, but because every extra moment I spent there was another chance that I’d convince myself to stay. Kiefer said I didn’t understand what he felt like as an addict, and I’m sure that was true, but the idea of temptation being too powerful to resist was something I identified with at this moment, and I knew it wouldn’t have taken much to convince me to make the wrong choice and stick around.

After about fifteen minutes of waiting and not hearing him come back inside, I cracked the bedroom door open and peeked around to make sure it wasn’t a trap. It wasn’t. He was gone. I did the same trick with the front door and, when he wasn’t there, took my two bags and went down the hallway as quickly and quietly as I could.

I made it to my car, and for a split second, I worried that it wouldn’t start — any obstacle could have kept me behind and had me turn around to go back to Kiefer, but none came in my path. The key turned, and the engine started without any problems.

Knowing I could get out now, I let out a breath of relief, but I didn’t drive away. I needed a moment to just sit there in the reality of what had just happened and not try to distract myself any longer than necessary.

I leaned my head against the steering wheel and let the emotions flow out of me in the form of tears. It felt awful, but it also felt necessary. I allowed myself only a few minutes before sucking the emotion back in and putting the car into reverse. The longer I stayed, the more likely it was I was going to stay.

I know for some people this seemed like a small fight. Or maybe something that we could easily get over. But I knew myself, and that this is not something small. This is exactly what happens to me. I accommodate for people, especially men, I allow them to control my emotions, actions, and life. I wasn’t going to trap myself, or Kiefer, in a relationship that was headed for heartache or resentment, and without both of our heads in check, that was inevitable.

As I drove out of the garage, I knew the hardest part was behind me. Now, I just needed to figure out what to do next.

Sometimes I'd go for a drive to clear my head. There was something relaxing about driving along an open road and I wished I could do it now, but early morning Los Angeles traffic wasn't my idea of relaxing.

What I could do, however, was go for a walk.

I drove out to Santa Monica pier and parked in the first lot I could find. Sure, it cost me $15, but that seemed like a small price to pay to clear my head.

With the moment of peace where I didn’t have anything else to focus on, I sat in the car and cried some more, letting those tears flow out of me like tiny waterfalls across my face. I may have sat there for a half hour before I forced myself out of the car and onto the path where I could walk and allow my mind to wander along with my physical body.

The air was cool, being by the beach, and it smelled of salt. Growing up in Houston, we didn’t have that smell. The beaches always smelled dirty to me. In Los Angeles, they smelled so clean and pure. As miserable as everything else was, it was hard not to have the smallest of smiles on my face.

Granted, it was a smile through a slow and steady flow of tears that refused to stop, but the coast was so beautiful that it served as a reminder that there was good in the world, even on the saddest of days, and that I was on a path to find myself.

At a point that struck me as especially pretty, with the sound of the waves crashing against the sand and seagulls letting out their caws as they wandered the beach, I sat down on a bench and pulled out my phone. It still had a twenty percent charge, which was enough to pull up the Airbnb app and book myself a place to stay. I may have slept in my car the night before (to the extent that I slept, anyway), but I wanted an actual bed for the foreseeable future.

I found a place close to the food court where I worked and booked it for a week. With that taken care of, I breathed a sigh of relief and kept walking down the path. I knew there was a coffee place up ahead and, with a dull and persistent headache compounding my general exhaustion, I needed some caffeine.

I stood in line and looked around. At one of the tables, there was a young woman with a stroller, and I realized I'd been so distracted staring at her. Well, not her, exactly, but her baby. The one sleeping in the stroller.

His head leaned to the side, and he had a tiny tuff of hair on the top of his head. His mouth was slightly agape, with a bit of drool coming out of it. He looked like a tiny old man taking a nap in his favorite lounge chair in front of the TV, but much more adorable. Despite everything that was going on in my life, I felt a bit lightheaded with joy.

This was a cute baby, to be sure, but no more so than any other I'd seen. And yet, he was enough to distract my one-track mind from both the coffee I so desperately needed and Kiefer. Just looking at him made me feel more comfortable, as if I was miles away from the existential feelings I'd been dealing with since last night.

Why?

It made no sense.

I brushed away the spark of an idea in my mind for fear it might take hold, but I kept looking at that sleeping baby. He shifted a bit and curled to one side. I watched in anticipation as his eyes slowly fluttered open, and he began to wake.

“Ma'am.”

The voice brought me back to reality.

---