Page 15 of Friends with Benefits

‘Yep. I love airplane food. All the added salt and sugar they put in there to counteract the altitude taste-bud breakdown. It’s the best.’

‘Huh?’

‘You’ve never heard that? Altitude, it effects your mind and body. You feel emotions more and you can’t taste as well, so they put extra salt and sugar in the food.’

‘Well, thanks, Doctor Jessica, for that insight.’

She smiles at me over her coffee cup. That sweet smile she doesn’t often give. It’s different from her playful smile, which is wide and open mouthed. And it’s different from her fake smile, which is even wider but tight-lipped. This one, it stretches her lips but mostly shows in her eyes. Her eyelids widen a touch and her irises seem to sparkle like diamonds: chocolate diamonds.

When we first met, she hardly ever smiled. I still feel like each one is a prize, despite getting them often these days.

‘So, what’s the plan of attack when we get to the Hamptons?’

‘Plan of attack?’

‘Yes. I mean, are we trying to avoid Emily? Are we trying to rekindle a friendship with her? Are we like, “Hey, Em, I know it’s been three years but let’s bonk”?’

‘Bonk? Are we back at school? And what was that voice? Was that supposed to be an impression of me or Terminator?’

She laughs. ‘It was you and stop avoiding the question.’

The plan of attack. What is my plan of attack? How do I want this to pan out?

I have no idea.

‘Are you two okay? Can I get you anything else?’ Saved by the bell – or waitress.

‘Just the check,’ I say.

I’m still thinking about the plan as I pay the bill, as we board the plane and as we soar into the clouds. Maybe all I want is to come away from this week unscathed. Without having made a fool of myself, without having tried to rekindle something that never was between Emily and me, without being hurt. Maybe all I need to do is avoid her. Focus on my friends and family. Be civil if our paths do cross.

The problem is, I miss her. There. Happy? I’ve said it. I’ve admitted it. I miss the girl I grew up with and the girl who broke my heart.

‘Hey, what are you thinking?’ Jess asks from the seat next to me. We have a row of three to ourselves, yet we’ve decided to sit next to each other anyway. Jess in the window, me in the middle.

She’s looking at me through concerned eyes. Her legs are tucked up on the seat, her arms wrapped around her knees. That she’s small enough to do that, get comfortable in economy on an airplane, makes me a bit envious. My long legs are trying to stretch out under the seat in front but my knees are touching the pouch that holds the sick bag.

‘Just wondering which movie to watch.’

She narrows her eyes in a way that says, I’m letting this one go but you’re not fooling me, dude.

She springs forward excitedly. ‘I know. We should pick a movie we both want to watch and start it at the exact same moment. Then we can watch together.’ She starts to navigate the TV touchscreen.

I have to smile. ‘Anyone would think you’re thirteen, not thirty.’

‘Be quiet. It will be fun. Come on, what do you want to watch?’

After a lot of scrolling and bickering, we settle on Fences, with Denzel Washington. Such a good actor! About that, Jess and I agree emphatically.

We both sit upright, braced to hit play. I count us in. ‘On three. Ready? One. Two. Three.’

For some reason, we find it hilarious when we hit play and start our movies at the same time. I lift the arm rests either side of me, knowing from the three short breaks we’ve taken together – skiing in France with friends last year, Barcelona just the two of us because we both wanted to visit, Chicago, when she came along for the ride on one of my work trips – that she’ll want to put her feet over me.

Sure enough, as soon as I have given her the green light, those dreadful lounge pants are across my legs and her feet are resting in the spare seat. Out of habit, I rub her legs as we watch the movie together.

As much as I enjoy Fences, it isn’t enough to stop my mind wandering to Emily. To the sweet blonde I always looked out for. Who was by my side almost every day from age one year to twenty-four, whether I wanted her there are not. Annoying, beautiful, funny, sweet Emily.

That’s why I find it hard to reconcile those memories with the last time I saw her. She was on her back, naked, her legs wrapped around the guy I thought was my buddy.

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