Page 34 of Friends with Benefits

I know she’s right but it doesn’t make me want to deal with it any more. I sigh and she reaches a hand to my cheek.

‘Go. If not for her, go for you.’

I drop a kiss to her brow and head down to the water’s edge, catching up to Emily, who is walking the water line, rather than heading home. She must hear me as I call her name but continues her strolling pace, staring out toward the half-moon, its reflection glowing on the water’s surface.

We walk until the light from Drew’s place and the glow of the fire are in the distance. There’s no one on the beach except us. The other beach front properties are in darkness.

I’m used to being only with Emily. I’ve spent half my life alone with Emily. But now, in this moment, I don’t know how to be around her.

Eventually, she breaks the silence. ‘I’m sorry, Jake.’

‘You’ve said that.’

She stops and turns on the spot, holding my arms so that I’m facing her. ‘And now I want to talk about what happened.’

‘Why, Ems? Why discuss it three years on?’

She pushes her hands into my hair and grips, like she used to when she was mad at me.

‘You’re a stubborn ass, do you know that? I want to talk about it, Jake, because I want you back in my life and this is the only way I can think to make that happen. I miss you. I miss you like crazy. Not speaking to you has been like someone amputating my right leg.’

‘Why your right leg?’

She laughs and I’m grateful to take the somber look from her face and the tears from her eyes.

‘Any limb,’ she says. ‘Take your pick.’

She draws in a slow, heavy breath that makes her chest visibly rise.

‘I slept with your best friend. I know we hurt you and I’m sorry. But there’s nothing I can do about it.’

I take a step back from her. ‘Ems, you were my best friend. My two closest friends were screwing each other behind my back and lying to my damn face about it. I knew things were changing between us. I thought that meant one thing and I realize now things were becoming awkward because you were lying to me. Twenty-two years, Emily. I’d known you for almost twenty-two years. I’d picked you up when you’d fallen. I’d dried your eyes when you cried. I would have done anything for you. I fucking adored you. And the whole time… the whole damn time, you were lying to me!’

She swipes her hand across her cheek and I have to fight the urge to pull her into my chest. I never have been able to stand seeing her tears. ‘I know, Jake. But I, we, didn’t lie to hurt you. We lied to keep from hurting you.’

My anger builds until I’m dragging a hand through my hair and pulling so hard, it hurts.

‘Do you have any idea how much it killed me to walk into your room and see you two in bed together? In the apartment we shared? In the bed I’d slept in with you?’

‘It’s not like I hadn’t walked in on you screwing people, Jake. I mean, Jesus, do you think that wasn’t hard for me? There was always some girl. Someone else. Like I wasn’t good enough for you.’

‘That’s not fair. That’s when we were just friends. From the moment I thought there was something more between us, there were no other girls. Brandon knew. He knew how I felt. He knew that when I walked into your bedroom that night, I was going to ask you to be with me. To be mine. And the whole time, while he listened to me tell him how I felt, while we hung out together and while I thought we shared everything, you two were at it.’

She steps toward me. Close enough I can smell her scent. So close, her hair blows against my face.

‘You were going to ask me to be yours?’

‘Yes, Emily. I wanted to always be with you.’

She closes her eyes and presses her palms to my chest. I watch her lips as they part and I have the urge to kiss her. I don’t have to fight my own want because her eyes spring open and she presses her mouth to mine. She looks into my eyes as I bring my hands to her face and slowly, tentatively, move my lips over hers.

She steps back abruptly, breaking our contact and covering her lips with her fingertips. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.’

I don’t have time to respond because she turns and runs back to her house. I don’t follow her. I face out to the moon, my hands in the pockets of my jeans, my mind racing with too many thoughts to process.

Why did she kiss me? Did I kiss her back? Would I have kissed her if she hadn’t got there first? Does she want me like that? Do I want her like that? Is she still the Emily I thought I knew? Am I the same Jake?

The only two things I do know are: one, I loved seeing her tonight, like old times; and two, I feel guilty as hell that that kiss just happened when Jess was yards away.

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