Page 35 of Friends with Benefits

What I don’t know is why I feel so damn guilty…

I turn to face the two houses. I could go to Emily. Talk it out. Work out what the hell that kiss meant to her.

Or, I could go back to Jess.

10

JAKE

God, she looks beautiful when she sleeps.

I took my time walking back along the beach, feeling every grain of sand falling between my toes, trying to decide which direction to turn.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at Jess’s soft cheeks, her closed eyelids, the way she looks so small curled beneath the sheets, I think I made the right decision. Tonight has shown me that Emily isn’t entirely boxed away as part of my past. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve never wanted her to be. I felt like I had no choice but to cut her out of my life. But whatever comes of tonight, whatever happens between us, Jess is definitely my present and my future. She knows the Jake I am now better than anyone else. I know her. And I love that I do.

All of this brings back the guilt I felt on the beach.

I shouldn’t feel guilty. Jess and I aren’t together in that way. She’s too afraid to go there. And damn it, so am I. Regardless, my stomach is wound as tight as a knot.

I go to the bathroom and shower. I rub my hands over my face under the hot water, my fingers lingering on my lips. Last time Emily kissed me like that, I was making love to her. It was seven years ago.

I open my eyes, shut off the shower, and wrap a towel around my waist.

I’m overthinking this. I’m overthinking it because I’m drunk. It was an emotionally charged situation. Nothing more.

I clean my teeth and head back into the bedroom. I pause one more time, taking in Jess, the way her hair fans across her pillow. The way the moonlight shines through the open window and highlights the natural tones of brown, the skin of her neck. And, because I’m drunk, I have the urge to kiss her right there, to nibble her skin and whisper into her ear how much I want her.

This isn’t the part of the story where I confess to being into necrophilia. I’m not. At all. But I do feel like holding Jess will somehow make sense of things for me. Or at least put off the confusion until tomorrow.

I lift the sheet and slide out the spare blanket she’s put down the middle of the mattress. She’s persistent, I have to give her that. But I’m more persistent.

I lie back on top of the sheets in my towel and prop myself up on one elbow. I don’t mean to disturb her and I have to fight the desire to trail my fingers down her bare arm.

‘Are you watching me sleep?’ Her eyes are still closed as she speaks.

I chuckle. ‘Yes.’

‘Weirdo.’ She rolls over so she’s facing me, matching my pose. ‘You have to stop removing the blanket from the bed.’

A smirk tugs at my lips. ‘I just figured, since we’ve both been drinking…’

‘I’m going to take a wild guess that your mind is racing right now.’

‘A little.’ Do I tell her about the kiss? ‘She apologized.’

Jess nods but stays silent. Eventually, she speaks, calmly, with reason. ‘I watched the two of you together. It was nice, seeing you laugh and be happy with her. You’re yourself around her.’

‘I’m myself around you too.’

She smiles softly, and reaches for my hair, stroking it back from my temple. ‘I know you are. That’s why I also know you and Emily would hate to lose each other. She’s important to you and you have a bond, Jake. Connecting with someone like that is special.’

I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips. ‘But now I have you.’

‘The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I will be your friend no matter what happens between you and Emily. I will always, always be here for you.’

It warms me to the core that she means that. I know she means it because I can’t imagine ever not having her in my life either. But that friend word hits me somewhere new, or in a new way. And what is confusing as heck is that she and Emily would both fit that term. Yet I can’t decide which one of them fits it best.

‘That’s a lucky thing, babe, because you’re never getting rid of me.’

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