Page 46 of Friends with Benefits

‘Jess, you’re not making sense. There is no cut off of happiness. It is what you want it to be. You can break the cycle of rebirth by being happy. Don’t you see that? Let yourself be happy, end the Dukkha, then you can live in that state.’

I took a breath. ‘Oh, Danny, life doesn’t work that way. You forget that everyone has to move on. You have to leave the circle of life at some point and drift into the unknown, move beyond the circle. And it isn’t rebirth. You go on as you were, just in another place, a place where you’re allowed to start your count of happiness again. There are flaws in your theories, Danny.’

He kissed my hair over and over. ‘What are you saying, Jess? I love you.’

‘I know. I know you do, Danny, and I think I love you too. But I’m trying to tell you that I will never be truly happy. I will never be able to love the way my parents did and the way you deserve to be loved. Even if I could, don’t you see, something would happen. To you, or me, or both of us. Something would have to happen to balance our happiness. Whether it’s your theory or mine, can’t you see they both lead to the same conclusion?’

‘Jess, stop it. You need to go to sleep. Tomorrow, I am marrying you. I want to spend my life with you, and I want to spend my life helping you find your happiness.’

I cried again because I knew I wouldn’t be able to make him understand. He held me as I sobbed, knowing that I couldn’t say no to him because I did love him and he deserved to be happy, even if it was with me. But also hating myself for not being able to walk away, because if we got married, he would never be loved the way he loved me. Because if I allowed myself to fall, something would happen. We would get sick. I couldn’t stand the thought.

The next morning when I woke, I saw Danny standing on the beach, looking serene, the tails of his open shirt blowing back from his body. I could spend my life with him; there was no question that I would be lucky to have his free spirit. I could have roots; they would have to be traveling roots, that’s all. But I hoped that he was standing on the beach because he understood what I had tried to explain.

We were marrying early, to avoid the day’s heat. It was before nine in the morning when Ruth closed the final button of my dress and set my flower piece on my head over my French braid. We weren’t even sure the wedding would be legal anywhere else in the world, but Danny said he didn’t care. ‘It’s real enough to me,’ he had said.

‘You look beautiful,’ Ruth said, stepping back to take me in. I felt beautiful. ‘Your mum and dad would be proud of you.’

I swallowed the lump that threatened to choke me. Ruth wasn’t the sentimental type and it was even less common for her to mention my parents. It left a heavy air in the hut. Thankfully, John broke the almost sentimental moment by tapping on the door.

‘Jess?’

I kissed Ruth on the cheek and moved to the door. As soon as I opened it, the look on John’s face told me I would not be getting married.

13

JAKE

I wake with a dry, scratchy throat and the disgusting heaviness in my lungs that reminds me why I hardly ever smoke weed. But shoot, it was a good night. Jess and I were the last two standing. I played the guitar as she sat next to me on the two-seat sofa, pointing out star constellations and telling me stories of all her years traveling, some new, some I had heard before. I carried her to bed around four, where she curled straight into my chest and slept. I listened to her breathing slow and remember nothing more until this moment.

I slide out of her hold. She murmurs but doesn’t wake. I take a quick shower and head downstairs. There’s a certain bet I lost and I need to settle the score.

Downstairs in the kitchen, it doesn’t seem like the others are up but the coffee machine has made a full jug. I happen to know that’s Drew’s timer. He has a thing for coffee machines. The more expensive, the better. He’d have had the timer set on his faithful electronic friend before any of their boxes were unpacked. You know some guys are funny about people touching their hair? Well, with Drew, you do not touch the coffee machine.

I pour myself a cup of strong coffee and an orange juice. The juice wets my throat, soothing the grit from last night. Then I set about making pancake batter. As I beat eggs, flour and milk in a large bowl, I see Brooks and Izzy on the beach, putting each other through their paces. Brooks is pinning Izzy’s feet into the sand as she does sit ups; then she returns the favor. God, those two are like machines. The last thing I feel like doing is working out.

I root through the cupboards and fridge, finding sugar, lemon, maple syrup, bacon, jelly and finally, berries. My mouth stretches into a smile when I put my hand on a pack of fresh blueberries. I know exactly what I’m doing with those. Locating the apron I saw Edmond wearing on Sunday, I pull it over my head and tie the belt around my waist to protect my otherwise naked body.

I put mugs and cutlery in a pile on the table with the orange juice and jug of coffee. Then I set about grilling bacon and making pancakes, knowing the smells will draw the others soon enough. Usually, when I lose a bet, it’s only Jess and I who are affected by our childish rules… meh, and sometimes Alex, but since he’s half-dressed and half cut all of the time, he doesn’t seem to care too much.

I hear Brooks and Izzy talking as they approach the kitchen. At the sliding doors, which I’ve opened onto the decking, Brooks says, ‘I thought I could smell… Holy crap! Why can I see your bare ass? What are you doing?’

‘Making breakfast.’ I turn to him and dip my head to Izzy. ‘Morning! There’s coffee on the table.’

One by one, Edmond, Amelie, Kit, Madge and Marty come downstairs.

‘Jesus!’ Marty says. ‘What the hell is wrong with you? My stomach is already tender.’

Rolling my eyes, I turn my back on him. ‘You want breakfast or not?’

‘Jesus, I don’t know. I… yeah, I want breakfast.’

Kit puts his hands over Madge’s eyes and they laugh as he walks her out to the deck.

I hear Jess talking to Becky and Drew as they near the kitchen. I smile at the last pancake in my pan. Hers.

The three of them come into the kitchen and Becky gasps as Drew shouts out, ‘Want to tell me why you have no goddamn clothes on in my kitchen, kid?’

Jess squeals, startling them, and comes hurtling toward me. ‘Oh my God! You lost the bet!’

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