Page 59 of Friends with Benefits

‘What are we doing?’ she asks again as she climbs into the truck.

I turn the keys in the ignition but before I pull out of the driveway, I turn to her. ‘I want to start the day with you. I want to spend every second of today with you. Just us. From beginning to end. Is that all right?’

She doesn’t say anything as she looks deep into my eyes. That panic is there, lingering beneath the surface. I know her. I know every subtle expression she makes. I know that her mind is screaming at her to run. I try to tell her in a look that she’s going to have me to contend with before she can even make a move.

I sit, not speaking, until there’s the slightest incline of her head and she croaks, ‘Okay.’

I lower the windows and head out to the beach. The sky lightens as we drive. Jess slips off her sandals and pulls her bare legs up to the seat, her denim shorts not covering much of those fine legs at all. As we drive, the only car on the road, the wind blows her hair back and she rests her chin on her hand, her elbow on the window ledge, staring out to sea. If someone asked me to take a picture of perfection, I would take her in this moment. And I would call it The Weight of the World.

I understand her confusion. Hell, I feel it too. And I know her fears. Right now, they’re becoming mine, because if she runs, I think she’ll take a part of me with her. I can’t risk that. I have to take it easy. Even if she won’t accept my love, I have to keep her in my life, however she’ll have me.

I cover the hand resting on her thigh and I squeeze. ‘Stop overthinking, Jess. Let’s just enjoy today. It’s you, and me, an open road and a beach.’

She doesn’t look at me but she squeezes my hand as she continues to gaze out of the window. I’ll take it.

Right before the beach I’ve chosen, I see an open café. I swing the truck into the parking lot and make quick work of picking up two drinks. A coconut latte for Jess and a black coffee for me.

‘Take these?’ I ask, sliding into the truck.

‘Mm, caffeine,’ she says, inhaling through the small hole in the top of the lid.

‘Aaaand…’ I hand her the brown paper bag that holds her favorite: cinnamon rolls. Finally, I get a smile. ‘If I’d known a cinnamon roll was all it would take to cure Little Miss Grumpy I would have driven faster.’

She scowls playfully. ‘Shut up. Any woman would be grouchy if you woke her up at four in the morning.’

‘But I wouldn’t buy cinnamon swirls for just any woman.’

‘No, I suppose you wouldn’t.’ She laughs, a tiny, short sound. But it warms my heart.

I knock the stick into drive and a few minutes later, we park up behind the beach.

With one hand, Jess clings on to the bag containing her cinnamon swirls for dear life, while in the other, she guards her caffeine hit. I grab my takeout cup from her and throw the beach bag I packed over my shoulder.

We head through the harsh dune grass and past the uneven and lopsided fence posts that mark a path down to the beach.

In the middle of the sand, I turn my head left and right. We are the only people out here. The sun is creeping above the water level and starting to cast a soft orange glow up the sky. Jess takes it in, staring at the sun.

I stare at her. It couldn’t be more perfect.

I know I’m supposed to hold back, that I can’t come on too hard and risk scaring her more than she already is. But my body steps closer to her, my chest almost touching her back.

‘You really do know me, don’t you?’ Her words are quiet, almost lost in the sound of the ocean as she speaks, facing the sun.

I wrap my arms around her waist and rest my chin on her shoulder. I’m not sure what the right words are so I don’t offer any. I just let her know I’m there, that I’ll hold her if that’s what she wants. I’ll give her whatever she needs if she just doesn’t run.

She leans her head to the side, pressing our temples together.

‘When I was younger and Ruth and John first took me away, I used to wake early and head out on my own to watch the sunrise. You know the amazing thing about the sun is that, no matter where you are, no matter how insignificant or alone you feel, it’s always there. Even if sometimes it’s hiding behind a cloud. It’s always there. And it’s everyone’s sun. No matter if you’re on the Earth or just… somewhere, you’re looking at the same sun as everyone else. There were days I missed my parents so much, I would stare at the sun as it rose, knowing that they were looking at it too, wherever they were.’

‘They’ll be looking at it now,’ I tell her.

She closes her eyes and seems to sink into my hold a little more. ‘I used to wake up feeling… dark and cold. I’d have had a bad dream or I’d have gone to sleep with bad thoughts. And when I watched the sunrise, I would steal the heat from the sun and make it warm my dark thoughts. And I would tell myself, it’s a new day. You can try again. Maybe today will be easier. Maybe today good things will happen.’

She stirs in my arms until I release her. I wonder what she’s doing until I see her put her coffee cup down in the sand, then she takes mine from me and places it next to hers. Then, from nowhere, she clenches her fists around the chest of my hoody and pulls me to her, lifting my cap and crashing her lips against mine.

It’s a surprise. It’s the best surprise I could have hoped for this morning. She doesn’t open her mouth; she just lets her lips linger against mine. And I let her. I stroke my hands through her hair and enjoy the soft flesh of her lips. I let her pour everything she feels, everything that hurts her, everything she loves, and everything she fears, into me. I take it from her and I hold her to me.

When we separate, she looks down to her feet. But I want to see those eyes. I want to see the things she won’t voice. I tuck my knuckle under her chin and encourage her to look at me.

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