Page 60 of Friends with Benefits

She is afraid. She’s terrified. And I hate that she is. But I also feel hope. If she’s afraid, she might be feeling just a fraction of the emotion that’s knocking me sideways.

‘Don’t be afraid, Jess. Don’t be afraid.’

‘I can’t change the habits of a lifetime, Jake.’ She bites her lip and her eyes cloud.

‘Then let go. Don’t think. Let me be with you today. Can you do that for me? Can we just be us, just be together?’ Her lips slowly curve up and she nods. I wink at her. ‘Atta girl.’

She laughs and thumps me in the chest. ‘Keep patronizing me and you’ll have to sleep with one eye open.’

‘Quaking, Jess. Seriously, I’m quaking.’

Rolling her eyes playfully, she sits down on the sand. ‘You’ll be sorry when I don’t give you one of these cinnamon swirls.’

I plant myself down on the sand next to her, both of us facing the sun, our knees pulled up. ‘That’s not funny. It’s a step too far. You always go too far, don’t you?’

She rocks into my side, smiling as she holds the open brown bag. We watch the sun’s rays burst into a fan of bright beams as we drink coffee and eat sweet bread. Something tells me that somehow, at some point, we’ll be fine.

Once the sun is up, I stand, pulling off my hoody and T-shirt so I’m just in my board shorts. ‘You coming?’

Jess swivels to look at me, and oh yeah, she looks. ‘In the sea? Won’t it be cold?’

‘I’ll warm you up. Plus, you’re going to have to get used to it for what I’ve got planned later.’

She rises to her feet. ‘What have you got planned?’

I shrug. ‘A surprise. And, by the way, you totally just checked me out.’

She gasps. ‘I did not!’

‘Oh yeah, babe, you did. Hey, I’m not hating. That’s why I go to the gym – enjoy it. I’m only pointing out that I get a free ogle when you strip down to that itsy-bitsy bikini.’

She drops her head back with a guffaw but she does take her sweater over her head and slips her shorts down her thighs. And I watch. Oh yes, I do.

‘Come on!’ I jog down to the ocean’s edge and she follows but stops short of the water.

‘It’s cold!’ She starts running back to our plot in the sand but I scoop an arm around her waist and lift her, her back to my chest, her legs flailing, her lungs screaming at full capacity, and I throw myself under the water, bringing her with me.

We come up, fighting to catch our breath.

‘Fuck, it is cold!’ I shout, a little too high-pitched.

‘Oh, what happened to Mister Macho?’ she asks, and begins to imitate me. ‘Babe, I go to the gym so you can stare at my pecs. Babe, I’m so hot, all women want me and men want to be me.’

‘You know what you get for that?’

I lift her over my shoulder and dunk us under the water again. We’re deeper this time and she can’t touch the bottom when we surface, so I lift her around my waist and hold her up.

‘It doesn’t get any fucking warmer.’

She shivers as she shakes her head but she makes no move to get out of the water. She drops her head to my shoulder and I hold her, slowly turning us in the water, rocking up and down with the waves. I don’t know how long we stay that way but the cold of the water stops affecting me and I feel warmer than I have in three years.

Eventually, I ask, ‘Have you fallen asleep, there?’

Her words vibrate against my neck. ‘You couldn’t blame me since you dragged me out in the middle of the night.’

‘Oh, I thought you were going to say you were exhausted from our wild night of passion.’

I feel her laughter reverberate through my body.

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