Page 23 of Heir Of Sun And Moon
A tear rolls down my cheek, my body tingling with too many emotions, as varying colors of stardust continue to twirl around me. “Good,” I finally whisper in response.
“It is not your fault,” she laments as tendrils of what looks like pearlescent mist gently caress my cheek.
“Yes it is.” A deep sadness robs me of my breath when the stars suddenly start to flicker around me.
“I will talk to you again soon,” she says, but her voice barely reaches my ears.
I don’t have time to respond before my stomach drops and I’m falling blindly through space again, the stars moving past me so quickly that they are nothing but streaks of light. Heavy sensation returns to my body in waves, as if my bones and muscles and skin are coming back into place layer by excruciatingly heavy layer. My hair snaps against my face wildly as I fall and fall and fall.
Sensation tingles into my fingers and toes as I wiggle them. My eyes flutter open. I roll onto my back with a groan, my head pounding viciously, as I squint at the sunlight pouring in through the window. With each thump of my heart, more sadness sweeps in. I’m still in my tower, very much alive.And alone. What I wouldn’t give to be anywhere other than here. Warmth tracks down my cheeks as I stare up at the pointed ceiling of the tower. I wish so desperately that I could just disappear, even as I stare at Bella where she lays beside me.
I can’t help but feel my life here is a waste. I don’t add value to anything. No, all I am—to my very core—is a death sentence. Despite the fact that I’ve cried more in the last twelve hours than ever before, wetness continues to pool in my eyes. The weight of my guilt is justso heavy,and I wish for nothing other than to be crushed by it. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being given reasons to cry. I’m just so godsdamn tired. And being awake just reminds me of everything I’ve lost. So what is the point? When exhaustion—thick and heavy—settles on top of me, I welcome it. Darkness and numbness cover me like granules of sand until I’m completely buried. I don’t fight it, and it doesn’t take long until I completely succumb.
Time is a blur between waking up briefly for a few moments and forcing myself to fall back to sleep. Though I don’t have to do much forcing at all. My mind craves being silenced. Unfortunately, my body and a certain fox are done with me laying in bed. The sun is back in the sky—or is it the same day? I can’t be sure. Dizziness rocks me as I force myself up, hitting me like the winds of a powerful storm.When was the last time I ate?I should be due for a supply drop-off soon and—
My throat closes, and my lungs squeeze like the invisible hands of a god are around them, draining them of oxygen. I can feel tears welling as my body tenses, preparing itself to let everything out, to release the emotion that has steadily built up over the past however many hours I’ve been asleep. My eyes squeeze shut, and my fists clench by my sides. Supply drop-off was Alexi’s job, and he’s gone now. My lip trembles as a pathetic whimper crawls up my throat. It’s too easy to succumb to the tidal wave, to drown myself in the tears that are never-ending. How does one continue living when there is no one left to live for? Bella nudges my leg from where she stands at the edge of the bed. Guilt floods over me as I look at her and lean forward, pressing my forehead to hers.
“The moon may have the stars, but at least I have you.” It’s the truth—a lifeline I need to cling to because as much as I miss Alexi, as much as I know his death is my fault, Bella needs me too. So for today, I am done crying. I can force this pain down until it’s nothing more than shadows lurking in the recesses of my mind. I can pretend to be okay for her because she deserves for me to at leasttry.I shake out my hands and head, the movement making it hurt even more, but at least physical pain is better than the emotional agony currently tearing me apart inside.
I will not cry.
I carefully stand from the bed, looking down at the light wood floors. They look so pristine up here. Such a stark contrast from how those same floors had appeared below my blood-soaked knees last night. Will downstairs still bear the memory of Alexi’s lifeless form? Will there always be a spot of discoloration from where his body had fallen?Stop. Stop thinking about that. The maids said downstairs was cleaned up.
Taking a deep breath—so deep it burns my lungs and expands my chest to the edge of pain—I force my thoughts to quiet. I look down at Bella and her expressive golden irises illuminated by the sunlight pouring in. They hold mine, and I can see the emotions swimming in them: sorrow, concern, sympathy, love. Clearing my throat I attempt to smile at her, though it doesn’t quite reach my eyes.
I will not cry.
Still, I can’t force myself to go downstairs yet, to see with my own eyes what awaits me there. So I turn and walk over to the large window by my bed instead. The colors of the world beyond this tower are resplendent—blue from the lake and sky, green of every shade from the meadows and faraway trees, and small dots of red, white, purple and yellow from the wildflowers in the distance. It all makes up a stunning tapestry that speaks to how suffering can hide in a world of beauty.
It’s a normal day, and yet it isn’t. It is life amongst death, and I can’t help but feel like I am on the wrong side.
After a few more minutes of mindless gazing at the scenery, I make my way to the washroom. The cold and uniform gray stone that makes up every inch of this prison mirrors the emotions I’m trying so desperately to keep from bursting inside me. Emptiness and desolation and guilt and regret—Stop it.
Relieving myself first, I splash cold water from the sink onto my face, closing my eyes as the water drips down onto my night dress. The same one the maids—Tienne and Erica—dressed me in. I need to keep moving, to keep my mind busy, so I don’t drown from the sea of misery choking my entire being.
I will not cry today.
Chapter Thirteen: Rhea
Despitemywishestojustnot feel,each step down the spiral stairs to the lower level of my tower makes me break out into a cold sweat—fueled by the terror that threatens to overtake me. When I reach the final two steps, I have to fight to tear my gaze away from my feet. Will the wounds that now stain my soul stain this tower as well?
I will not cry.
With a deep breath, I slowly lift my head up to look out into the living area. The sunlight that pours in from the glass balcony doors brightens every corner; the floors, the walls, the furniture—it’s all clean. No evidence exists of what happened here the night before, and I can’t tell if that makes me feel better or worse.
As I turn and head to the balcony, intent on clearing the stagnant air that carries a coppery scent, I see a wooden box set on top of the tea table. My brows furrow as I halt where I am, eyes glued to the box in utter confusion. I try to think about what day it is, but I can’t clear the heavy fog that swirls in my mind. This must have been dropped off at some point as I slept. It’s different from the one Alexi would use for supplies, smaller in size and darker in color. Tentatively, I make my way over to it as my hands tremble faintly, though I’m unsure why.
Get it together, Rhea.Steeling myself after the self-scolding, I flip the lid off of the box and peer inside. Fabrics in colors I’ve never seen before glimmer in the sunlight. My uncertainty grows as I pinch the cloth on the top between my fingers. They are dresses—gorgeous dresses. Bewilderment gives way to awe as I pull the first one out. The fabric is a stunning shade of green, similar to the sage leaves that I can see growing outside of the tower. White ribbons are gracefully laced throughout the hem of the puffed sleeves and skirt. The fabric is a lightweight cotton and a thin corset is built in at the waist. It is such a unique piece, especially in comparison to the plain dresses I own. Laying it on the table, I pull out the next one. It’s a similar style but in a shade of pink that I’ve never seen before. When I go to reach for the next dress, I notice a small piece of paper tucked into the folds of the fabric. Pulling it out, I carefully unfold the note to read it.
My Lady,
Tienne and I noticed that you needed new dresses. There is a woman at court who is of a similar size and had ordered more dresses than she knew what to do with, so we offered to take them off of her hands. We’ve also added in some floral bath oils for you. Please do not hesitate to let us know what else you might want or need.
I have left extra papers and a quill with a small pot of ink, should you wish to respond with those requests. Just tuck the note into one of the empty boxes that your guard will bring back with him after supply drop-offs.
The boxes come directly back to us, and we shall make sure no one else knows about or sees the letters. Your new guard will be in later to bring you supplies. It was a pleasure meeting you, though I do wish it was under better circumstances.
Until next time,
