Page 50 of Heir Of Sun And Moon
“What keeps happening?” He moves closer to me as he asks the question.
I keep my gaze on those winking stars, still imagining they are waving hello. Like how I’m drawn to the sun, the silver-flecked sky of night is one that brings a different kind of comfort. It’s so similar to the comfort I have when I dream of the Middle. A dream that is not quite a dream.
“I keep trying to force myself not to feel,” I start, my voice no louder than the rustling of the leaves on the trees in the distance. “And most of the time it works. I’ve tucked away emotions that will only remind me of how much I’ve lost—placing them into these dark pockets in my mind and locking them up tight.” My gaze drops as my fingers play with the fabric of my dress. “But sometimes I feel like I’ve been dropped in the middle of an unknown forest with no direction. And I wander around, trying to find landmarks that signal a way out, but instead I just go in circles. Whenever I feel I’m close to freedom, I’m quickly reminded that I’m back where I started.”
The double meaning of my words weighs heavily on me. I don’t expect Flynn to understand, given whatlittlehe actually knows about me, but when I lift my eyes to his, he peers at me with a recognition that he shouldn’t have. With a compassion that I’m surprised to see.
“Have you ever felt so desperately lost like that?” I whisper as my lip wobbles a little with the question.
Flynn slides his hand tentatively under my own, pausing to give me time to back away from his touch. Instead, I interlace our fingers, studying the way my fair skin gleams against the tan of his. Our palms connecting are like a tree taking root or a flower blooming in the sun. His warmth soaks into me, prodding at those dark corners inside me with something lighter.
“I have,” he says softly, his thumb rubbing the back of my hand. “Recently, in fact.” When I gesture for him to continue, he responds by shaking his head playfully and looking up to the stars. “For a long, long time, I felt the weight of what has been expected of me resting on my shoulders like an immovable boulder.” His brows draw together, his concentration moving to where our hands meet. “And then one day, it morphed into something else. Suddenly, the pressure of those expectations shifted. And for the first time in my life, I felt what it was like to not know what to do—to be given answers and, in response, only have more questions.” His dark smoky eyes hold mine then, conveying words that I don’t know how to translate.
Well that was about as vague of an answer as mortally possible.“Do you still feel it?” I pry. “Not knowing what to do?”
His lips quirk into a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Yes, but also, no.”
A breathy laugh escapes me. “Was that supposed to make me feel better? Because if so, you sort of did a shit job.”
Flynn barks out a laugh, his eyes wide with surprise. “The princess curses. That is unexpected.” His heated gaze cuts through that cold sadness that had settled into my bones.
“I never claimed to act like royalty, a fact you should be more than aware of by now.”
Flynn chuckles, the sound pushing away that thick feeling of turmoil from earlier as he squeezes my hand before letting it go and saying, “That is true, though you are more regal than anyone in this kingdom.”
I snort at that, tucking my hair behind my ear. Flynn cleans up the rest of the dishes and leftover food, leaving the lemon loaf on top of the basket before moving it off the blanket. Then he lowers onto his back, one arm curling under his head as he pats the spot next to him.
“Can you tell me about Alexi?” he inquires softly, staring up at the night sky. I study his side profile, noting the way that, even in the dimness of night, he glows like a star himself.
“Why?”
“For two reasons. One, I like hearing you talk,” he says seriously as he pats the ground next to him again. “And two, because you shouldn’t have to hold in what you’re feeling anymore. He was important to you, Rhea, and the more you fight that urge to speak of him, the more it will fester inside of you like an unhealed wound.”
I suppose his words make sense, enough to at least move my body so that we are lying together, shoulders just barely touching.
“You also aren’t alone anymore,” he adds, interlacing our hands again between our bodies. We both turn to look at each other, the sensation of our closeness making my magic hum in what feels like approval and lighting me up from within. I’m sure it must be noticeable, but Flynn’s eyes never stray from my own. “Tell me,” he says again.
So I do. I start with the first time I saw Alexi when I was a small child and how his imposing presence frightened me. I recall how he acted as my teacher and all the many things he took the time to make sure I knew. I tell Flynn about how Alexi brought me Bella, though I leave out the part of me healing her. As I continue sharing memories and moments I’ve never told anyone else, I can feel it—that impossible, invisible weight easing partially off of me. Like someone starting to saw through the chains that attached me to it. No, not someone,Flynn.We laugh together when I talk about how Alexi avoided my questions on sex—though my mind does briefly return to the previous night’s dream. He asks me questions all throughout, eagerly engaging me to share more and more.
Then it’s time to talk about Alexi’s death, and my voice stalls. Flynn squeezes my hand again, a steady reminder of what he said earlier.You aren’t alone anymore.So for the first time since I watched it happen, I recall every detail of that night. My body trembles as I talk, my heart beating soundly against my bones like it’s rattling to break free. Flynn is so still as he listens that I have to look at him a few times to make sure he didn’t fall asleep. When I finish, a tear trailing down my cheek as I explain my raging guilt at being the cause of his death, Flynn pulls us up to sit. He gently wipes my tear away before he drags his finger across my jaw to hook under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him. Like this, there is nowhere for either of us to hide except in the depths of the other’s gaze. With the moon shining above and a gentle floral-laced breeze blowing through, a shift happens between us. It is soft and sweet and completely unexpected in a way that feels frightening—and also thrilling.
“I’msofucking sorry, Rhea,” he says, his thumb gingerly sliding across my skin from where he stays holding my chin. “None of it, absolutelynoneof it, is your fault. I need you to understand that.”
“But how can it not be?I’mthe reason the king was angry.I’mthe reason Alexi was being watched.”
“Becauseyouaren’t responsible for the actions of King Dolian,” he declares, his voice low and menacing as he says my uncle’s name. “And the fact that he’s made you feel this way, made you feel likeyouwere the one who drove that sword in, it makes me—” He cuts himself off abruptly, letting go of my chin to run a hand through his hair. “Itinfuriatesme. You don’t deserve it.Anyof it.”
My eyes move back and forth between his as I read the emotions on his face. Anger, yes, but something else lies there too. His hand drops to his lap, the other still firmly laced with mine as his thumb runs back and forth in comforting strokes. A coiled quiet lingers, and I don’t know if it is filled with tension because of the topic or because of words left unsaid. Either way, I decide to break it with some humor.
“Any fascinating stories with your legendary swordplay?” I ask, bumping his knee with my own. Flynn nearly chokes on his laugh, dragging us back down until we are looking up at the sky again.
Our hands stay holding onto each other for the rest of the night. The moon is already in the west when Flynn decides he should leave. Standing on opposite sides of the doorway, he leans over and kisses the back of my hand with a wink, which makes me roll my eyes. And when I climb the stairs to my loft, exhausted but inexplicably at ease in a way that is so foreign to me, I can’t help the smile that breaks through.
When I awake, after a few hours of restful sleep, I find a note on the floor in front of the door.
SUNSHINE,
I AM GOING TO VISIT YOU THIS AFTERNOON. LET’S READ TOGETHER AGAIN. ALSO, I BELIEVE YOU OWE ME A QUESTION IN OUR GAME, SO CAN YOU TELL ME WHEN YOUR BIRTHDAY IS? THINK OF SOMETHING GOOD TO ASK ME IN RETURN.
