Page 108 of Devoured

"So you like redheads?"

"You're the only redhead I've ever been with. I don't have a type. You're it. I don't want to be with anyone else. Just you." Sometimes the truth came easily to me. I wasn’t sure why it was so hard other times. I pressed my lips together. I actually knew why. It would be easier to tell a stranger the truth. This was hard because I loved Penny. And I didn’t want her to look at me differently.

"Don't you trust me?” she asked. “Whatever it is you need to tell me you can."

"I do trust you." There was no reason why I shouldn’t. She’d told me everything Isabella had said. I was the one with the issues here. Filming Penny without her consent. Hiding huge chunks of my life from her. I felt a raindrop and looked up at the sky. For some reason I just kept staring up. Like the rain would give me the answers. The drops fell faster until it was full on raining.

And I realized we were just sitting in the rain. Penny had just been in the hospital. What the fuck was I doing? I’d promised myself I’d take care of her. I stood up. "Let's get back to the car.”

"James, tell me."

"You're going to get a cold."

"James, tell me!"

"I've already told you. More or less." I raked my fingers through my hair. I had tried. A few times. "I thought you understood." Another lie. I knew the random slip ups and comments I’d dropped weren’t enough. I wanted them to be, but they weren’t. We needed to have a real conversation about this.

"Understood what? What am I not the answer to?" She stood up.

I just stared at her getting drenched by the rain.I’m a monster, Penny. Please don’t make me say it.Standing in the rain staring at her like this reminded me of when we were apart. And it felt like I was losing her all over again.

"What did she mean when she said to stop running?” asked Penny. “What are you running from? Don't push me away again. Don't do what she said you would."

"I was trying to protect you. I told you that."

"But what are you trying to protect me from? Why do you think I shouldn't be with you?”

I didn’t want to say it because I knew it was bad. Obviously it was bad. Why couldn’t we just keep going the way we were? Why did she have to know about my demons?

“It can't possibly be that bad. Just tell me what it is."

"Damn it, Penny." I pulled her against my chest and kissed her.Don’t make me say it, baby.I was angry. I was tormented. And the kiss was fucking hot. God, I loved when she was mad at me. My hands slid to the small of her back. I needed to touch her. I needed to know that we were going to be okay. I pushed her shirt up slightly so that my palm was against her skin.

"Stop." She pushed on my chest. "Stop using sex as a weapon."

"I don't..." I looked down at her face. She was already looking at me like I was a monster. I released her from my grip and took a step back from her. "I didn't realize I was doing that."

"Tell me what you're hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don't you want us to work? Tell me!"

"I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college. I told you that I've had sex with dozens of women. I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life. Everything I did was so that I didn't have to face reality. Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I've probably done it. I told you I wasn't a good man. I told you that."

Rain dripped from her eyelashes as she stared at me. And she didn’t say a word. Not one fucking word.

"I'm an addict, Penny." And as soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. Just saying it out loud made me feel weak.

For a second, she just looked confused. But then something shifted. I saw it. That recognition crossing her face. That she understood what this really was. That she was my drug.

But I didn’t want that to be true. I loved her. I loved her so damn much. And I didn’t want that to be twisted into something sinister. Couldn’t this one thing in my life be good? Just this one thing? "Penny? Say something."

"All this talk about forever..."

"I mean it."

"But what happens when you get bored with me? Will you go off chasing your next high?"

"No." I lowered my eyebrows. "I'm not addicted to you.” This time I believed the words. Yes, I felt desperate. Like I might lose her. But it was more than that. My chest ached at the thought. This was more than addiction. And maybe it was a little twisted. But this was love too. “It's different with you, it's not the same."

"How do you know?"

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