Page 109 of Devoured

I took a deep breath. "I was trying to avoid my life. I was miserable. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I needed an escape. But I'm happy now."

"Because of me? Or because of teaching? Or what?"

"It was my decision to come here."

"Because you walked in on Isabella..."

"Yes. But I came here forme. I'm living the way I want to live. I'm not answering to anyone else. I don't need an escape anymore."I just need you.

"Isabella said you needed to get help."

"I've gotten help."

"So you're not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or work, or...sex anymore?"

"No. I haven't been addicted to anything since I left the city. I was living a life that wasn't mine there. I was numb. Those things made me feel alive. They sustained me. They were a choice I could make for myself."

"So you chose to do them? That doesn't make you an addict, James. If you had control over your choices..."

"I couldn't stop, Penny. Whenever I was able to pull myself out of one thing, I just moved on to the next." My words hung in the air.

She stared at me exactly how I’d been afraid she would. Like she thought I’d easily move on to someone else after her. And that wasn’t fucking true. The more I talked about this, the more I realized how different it was with her.

"Don't look at me like that,” I said. “I'm not addicted to you. I'm not going to move on. I need you in my life. I need you, Penny."Need.Fuck, I knew how that sounded. Every word out of my mouth had a double meaning. "Penny, I've made so many mistakes. But I was young and stupid."

"You're still young."

"Okay. But I'm not stupid anymore." Well, sometimes. I forced smile. But none of this was funny.

"Addicts are like...it's not something that goes away, is it?"

"No, it's not."

"So, how do you control it?"

My eyes searched hers. It was like I could already feel her pulling back. The age gap between us really did feel larger than before. I was piling all this crap on her when all she should be worried about was her next Stat test. But I did had control over this. At least when we were together. I’d slipped when we were on a break. But I could control it. I was taking steps, anyway. "My therapist helps me with that."

"You have a therapist?"

"I do." I stared at her for a moment. "He doesn't think I'm addicted to you either." Maybe she’d believe Dr. Clark more easily than she’d believe me. But I had a hard time believing Dr. Clark sometimes too.

"You talk about me?"

"Yes."

"He knows that you're dating a student?"

"Doctor patient confidentiality. He did advise me against it. I think he's glad that I ignored his advice though."

"Why?"

"I'm happier when we're together. Everyone can see that."Can’t you, Penny?It was weird, standing in the rain so far apart. It made me feel so distant from her. I didn't like that feeling. It made my chest feel tight.Breathe.The last thing I needed to add to this conversation was a panic attack.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" she asked.

"Because I liked the way you looked at me. Like I was strong and in control. It made me feel like I could be those things for you. I thought everyone could see my demons when they looked in my eyes. You never did. You just saw me. I didn't want that to change." That was the whole truth.

"I don't think any differently of you."

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