Page 14 of Devoured

“I’m trying to do the right thing.”

“James, you came here in hopes that I’d agree with you, yes? To give you peace of mind that Penny is better off with you than without you? But I can’t decide that. That’s a choice you have to make. And if you make it, I hope you believe it. I hope you’ll stay clean for her sake, but most importantly for your sake.”

“So you think I should speak with her again?”

Dr. Clark sighed. “That’s not at all what I just said, and you know it. James, how does being with Penny make you feel?”

“Right now? Seeing her feels like shit. But when we were together…she made me feel better. She made me feel like I wasn’t so fucked up. I don’t…I don’t need anything else when I’m with her.”

“And by anything else you mean drugs?”

I pressed my lips together.

“James, you are not addicted to Penny.” It was like he knew exactly where my thoughts had wandered. “She makes you happy. She makes you not turn to vices because you’re happy when you’re together. That’s love. Not addiction.”

I nodded. “So it is a good idea to try and fix things?”

“Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“Dr. Clark, it’s a simple question.”

He adjusted his glasses. “It is. So answer it.”

“Are you acting this way because I tried to fire you?”

“How am I acting? I’m simply trying to get to the root of your problem. You haven’t been showing up for appointments. I’ve been getting worried voicemails from Ellen at all hours.”

So…hewasbeing purposely rude?

“I don’t think you realize how your behavior affects others, James.”

I felt bad for worrying Ellen. I truly did. That’s why I was here. Well, partially. I was mostly here to get Dr. Clark to tell me it was a good idea to continue my relationship with Penny. But he clearly wasn’t taking the bait.

“You’ve seen this all first hand before. The path you’re going down is destructive.”

“I have control over it this time.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.”Not really.

“Okay. I believe you.”

It didn’t really sound like he believed me. I was pretty sure he was just pissed about me getting shitfaced and firing him. “So about Penny…”

“I’m not going to give you an answer, James. You have to find that within yourself. But do you know what I think will help?”

“What?” I was desperate. I just wanted to know I was making the right choice.

“Write Penny a letter. Tell her everything you’re feeling. Everything you wish you could say to her. Sometimes it’s easier to express yourself in the written word. And then once you write it, you can either send the letter…or you can throw it out and never think about it again. It’ll bring you some semblance of closure, whatever you decide.”

That sounded as dumb as yoga.

“Just try it,” he said. “Now what else is bothering you? Ellen told me you were in a good mood, went to New York, and returned rather ornery.”

“How much do you and Ellen talk?”

“I think the important question here is what happened in New York?”

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