Page 140 of Devoured

“And when you’re aimless, you…”

“Reach for vices.” I swallowed hard.Yeah.

“And now? How do you feel right now?”

“Sober.”

Dr. Clark laughed. “Besides sober. How does Penny make you feel?”

I smiled. “She makes me so happy. I don’t remember ever really feeling like this before. Ever.”

“So to answer my question from earlier. Now that you have the perspective of your own college years in the forefront…would you have given it all up? To be with Penny?”

“I would have traded it all to be with her. One hundred percent.”

“So you weren’t truly happy until you met Penny. And it might be the same case for her. If that’s true…the two of you can go anywhere and face anything and be okay.”

“You really think so?”

“I do. As long as you continue to be open and honest with her. Which includes having a hard conversation. Talking about her sophomore year and how she’s feeling before and after meeting you.”

“I don’t think she felt like she was drowning before she met me.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t make her happier, James. That’s the key here. You said something near the end of that night you were reliving. About how no one’s ever loved you. We’ve talked about this before. About how you feel like you don’t deserve love. That because of your past mistakes you’re unlovable. But James, your friends love you. Even if you’ve drifted apart over the years, the four of you are bonded. That doesn’t just fade away. And Penny loves you.”

I swallowed hard. I knew that. I felt guilty for even thinking that back then. But now? I wouldn’t think it about Penny. I knew Penny loved me. Even the dark parts. I’d shown her every side of me. And she wasn’t running away. She was sleeping soundly in the other room. I yawned.

“Am I boring you?” Dr. Clark asked.

I laughed. “No, not at all. I just realized that I actually want to go to bed for once. Because she’s waiting for me in my bed.”

“Well I won’t hold you up. But when you wake up tomorrow, I want you to talk about all this. I want the two of you to move forward as a team. Do you think you can do that?”

I nodded. And then I realized he couldn’t see me. “Yeah. I can do that.” I wanted us to be a team. “But…” my voice trailed off.

“Spit it out, James.”

“You just said that when I’m aimless I reach for vices. If I’m forced to resign tomorrow after telling the dean the truth…I’ll be aimless again. I’ll slip.” It hadn’t been that long since I’d slipped the last time, and we both knew it.

“No you won’t. Because you’re going to focus on Penny. She’s helping you, James. And we both know it. You’ve been different since you met her. You’ve been better for her.”

I wasn’t sure why, but I felt myself tearing up. “That’s what I wanted. To be better for her.” I’d been so worried for so long that I’d break her because I was broken. But maybe I had it all wrong. Not about being broken. I was a fucking mess. But I wasn’t breaking her. Instead, she was healing me.

“And you told me you were focusing on a new business venture too, right? I think you’ll be plenty preoccupied. No matter what the two of you decide together.”

“Thanks, Dr. Clark. For that. And for taking my call so late.”

“Any time, James. And call me if you need to talk after the meeting with the dean. I have to admit, that I’m rather invested in how this is all going to unfold.”

I laughed. “Will do.”

“Have a good rest of your night, James.” He hung up.

And in the weirdest way, it felt like everything reset as soon as Dr. Clark hung up the phone. I’d promised myself that I’d be a better man for Penny. And…I was. Even Dr. Clark saw it. And now that I’d come clean about everything, I could be even better.

I pressed my lips together as I stared at the camera in the corner of my study. Okay, maybe I hadn’t come clean about everything. There was still the issue of the cameras. But I’d tell her about those too. I’d get everything out in the open. We’d be on equal footing. And we’d make a decision together, weighing all the options before we did anything.

I stood up and walked out of my office. I knew it was past midnight. But Penny would want to have this conversation. I walked into the bedroom and smiled at the smell of cherries.

---