Page 16 of Devoured

I cleared my throat. “Lyn.” That wasn’t her name. Just a piece of it. But if he was going to make me talk about this, a fake name would be easier. It made it feel like less of a betrayal to my friends.

“You said Lyn was originally from Delaware. It’s rather curious that you ended up here of all places when you wanted to leave the city. Isn’t it?”

“Are you asking me if it was a coincidence?”

“I’m just wondering if you wanted to teach in Delaware because of her.”

“Lyn said something to me once.” I thought the fake name would help, but it still stung. I could still see her tearstained face as I’d held her close. I cleared my throat. “She saw firsthand how much I struggled in high school. And she said something about how people here were nicer than the people in the city.”People like me.I hadn’t been nice to her when I first met her. She made me want to be better. Be different.

“Whenever we talk about Lyn, you’re adamant that you didn’t love her. Are you sure about that?”

I’d just been thinking about how different my life would have been if she’d lived. But it was all ridiculous. Because she was dead. And she’d been dating one of my best friends. She’d never belonged to me. “We never would have ended up together.”

“That definitely was not my question.”

“I don’t see the point of this conversation. I want your advice about Penny.”

“Do you think Penny reminds you of her?”

I swallowed hard. “I…” I hadn’t really thought of that before. I closed my eyes and pictured Lyn’s blonde hair blowing across her face in the autumn breeze. Forever frozen at 16. She was a breath of fresh air. She made it easier to breathe. Just the way Penny did. “They were both sweet.” They both made me want to be a better man.

“You’re referring to Penny in the past tense, James. Lyn is gone. But Penny is very much alive. And you can still pursue her if you want to. You just have to make the choice for yourself.”

“But if I make it for myself it’s selfish.”

“Not if you’re planning on being the best version of yourself for her.”

“You mean sober.”

“Yes. I also mean being honest with her. Because alas, we’ve finally come to the root of the problem. You’re worried about what happens when you tell Penny that you slept with Isabella?”

“She won’t take me back.” Why couldn’t I remember what happened that night? I felt cursed. Like I wasn’t supposed to remember for a reason. Like I was supposed to be miserable.

I’m sick. I’m twisted. I’m fucked up in the head. I deserve to be alone.

“And there’s the truth,” Dr. Clark said.

“What?”

Dr. Clark was good, but he wasn’t a mind reader. He wasn’t agreeing with the mantra running through my head. “You’re not really worried about whether or not you’re a suitable match for Penny. You’re worried that she’ll reject you.”

“I’m not scared of rejection. If I was scared of rejection I never could have started a billion dollar tech company.”

“Do you want to know what I think, James?”

“That’s why I’m paying you.”

“That is not what you’re paying me for. But we’ll circle back to that another time. I think you did care deeply for Lyn. I think you cared about your ex Rachel as well. I think you even cared enough about your wedding vows to Isabella that you remained loyal despite the lack of connection. But you didn’t love any of those women. YoulovePenny. You’ve told me as much. And you’re scared she’ll reject you.”

“Sheshouldreject me.”

“You said making the choice to speak to her again is selfish on your part. But you’re only one part of this relationship. She’s allowed to make her own decisions too. So write the letter. Tell her the truth. Tell her how you feel. And once it’s done, take a good look in the mirror and decide if you want to give it to her or throw it out. But just write the letter, James.”

Chapter 5

Thursday

This time tomorrow, Penny would be getting ready for her birthday party. Or maybe she was going out tonight too. Getting drunk somewhere with her friends. I looked at my phone for the hundredth time. I hoped she was safe. I hoped that she knew she could still call me if she needed a ride home.

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