Page 17 of Devoured

But she wouldn’t call me. Not until I fixed things.

That had been my plan when I went to New York. To finalize my divorce and prove to Penny that I was all in. And I was still all in. Nothing had changed. I could think about this for a million years and I’d always come back to the same conclusion. I was bad for her. But I still wanted her. And I’d never stop wanting her.

Addict.

I ignored the voice in my head. Dr. Clark said it wasn’t addiction. He said it was love. And for once, I was choosing to believe him. Even though I feared he was wrong.

I grabbed a sheet of paper and tried not to think about anything. I just lifted up a pen, ignoring my shaking hand, and started writing.

Penny,

I woke up late the first morning that classes started. I wouldn't have come into the coffee shop at that moment unless I had forgotten to set my alarm. Who knew that such a small thing could change the rest of my life? You've captivated me from the very start. You're timid, yet bold. You're humorous, yet sincere. You're young, yet wise. You're gorgeous and you don't know it. You're contradictory, and challenging, and passionate. And I love you. I love you with all I am.

These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. Because you have captivated me, body and soul. I eat, breathe, and dream you. And when you're not beside me, I feel such loss. When I see you in class, I can no longer breathe. When I think about you, I can no longer eat. And only nightmares of losing you accompany me in slumber.

I thought I knew what love was. But I was wrong. The love I have for you is something that I have never known. It is constant and all consuming and it terrifies me. The only thing scarier than realizing what my love for you is, is the fact that I have lost that love.

I wanted to protect you. I didn't want to drag you into my darkness. But I realize that when I am with you, I am not the man I once was. When you look at me, I can feel the way you see me, and I become something better. I want to be the man that you need. And I feel like I can be everything you want.

But you need to know that I have many flaws. And one of them is weakness. When I realized my feelings for you, I left. I left you, and I have never regretted anything so much in my life. Because without you, I am not living. Only with you am I strong. Only with you am I good. Only with you am I whole.

And I am selfish. Because I want you to be with me despite my demons. I want to kiss you every morning when you wake up in my arms. I want to whisper I love you in your ear before we fall asleep at night. I want my days to be consumed by your love. And I want you to love me back even though I am telling you that I am not good for you. Because it is your choice. I tried to stay away from you and I cannot. I am not a good man. But if you choose me I will not push you away again. I will trust your judgment. And every ounce of me hopes that you'll make a mistake and come back to me. Every fiber of my being wants you to make the wrong choice. And if you do, I promise to be the best that I can be for you.

I don't care that you lied to me. I don't care that you only just turned 20. I don't care that you are a student in my class. All I care about is you, Penny. My greatest love.

I put my pen down.

Dr. Clark was right. That did feel good.

I hadn’t mentioned what happened with Isabella, but that seemed like a better thing to confess in person. For Penny’s birthday, I just wanted her to know how much I loved her. And that I was going to fight for her forgiveness.

I grabbed a copy of my divorce papers that showed my signature. I couldn’t give her the finalized papers. But I could show her that I was serious. I folded the two sheets and slid them into an envelope.

I also added the VIP tickets I’d had Ian order for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

There.

It was done.

I stared at the envelope. Now I just needed to figure out if I was actually going to give it to her. Or tear it in half and throw it in the trash.

I stared at the envelope for hours. Literally hours. I looked at it almost as much as I did my phone.

Students partaking in Thirsty Thursday were already getting rowdy outside. I could hear the laughter from Main Street.

And I kept sitting at my desk, staring at the envelope. Penny was officially 20 years old now. She wasn’t a teenager. That made everything better, right? I could give her this letter today. We were both adults. She could form her own decision.

But I still didn’t move.

I’d stayed away from her. It had taken every ounce of restraint I possessed, but I still did it. Because a part of me felt like that was the right thing here. To give her the space to move on. To find someone her own age. Someone good for her. Not that dickhead Tyler.

So…had she? For some reason I was expecting her to call. Or text. Or…something.

But she was probably thinking the same of me. It was her birthday for Christ’s sake and I was sitting in my apartment alone instead of with her.

I’d resisted for days, but I turned on my computer. I opened up the camera footage from outside her dorm. And I just stared at it. But everyone that was going out for the night had probably already left.

So I rewound the footage. Back to this morning to see her leave for her first class of the day. Maybe seeing her would be the answer I needed. If I could just see her smile…I’d stay away. For her. I’d do it for her. I just needed to see one tiny smile.

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