Page 45 of Devoured

I’d told her Isabella’s story about what happened and I felt out of control anyway. Why did I always feel out of control? Why couldn’t I get a grip?

I wanted a drink.

I wanted to search my whole building and find a guy named Brendan and break his nose.

I wanted to be someone other than myself. Anyone else.

I fell to my knees as I gasped for air. When I was a kid, Rob had always helped me when I lost my breath. What had he always said? Fuck, he just told me to breathe. And that wasn’t fucking helping right now.

I grabbed my chest as I stared at the metal doors.

Come back, Penny.

Please come back to me.

I don’t know how to live without you.

Please, I’ll be better. I swear.

I closed my eyes and pictured being back at my childhood home. It was like I could feel Rob’s hands on my shoulders as he made me stare back at him.“Breathe, James.”Picturing the scene made it even harder to breathe. Rob was younger than me and he was always taking care of me. Because I’d always been a fucking mess.

I felt a tear run down my cheek.

I’d always been weak.

I can’t fucking breathe.

I felt that familiar pain in my chest. The pain that made me reach for vices. I’d always known that the pain would one day devour me whole.

I just wanted to be better. I wanted someone to fix me. I was just so tired. So fucking tired of living this way. The thought settled around me as the pain in my lungs eased. I closed my eyes. You shouldn’t be able to break the broken. But here I was, broken on the floor.

I’d been so worried about hurting Penny. But she was the one that ruined me. I literally couldn’t breathe unless she was beside me. I laughed out loud, the sound echoing around my empty apartment. It sounded sad and lifeless.

The elevator dinged.

I opened my eyes as the doors slid open.

And standing there was…Ian. I just stared at him. I had nothing to say.

He stepped out of the elevator. “Get up.” He put his hand out for me.

No.

“James, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few years, it’s that you always need to get up.”

No.

“Get up. Now.”

“Go to hell.”

“Not before you.” He grabbed my arm and hauled me to my feet.

I groaned. Everything hurt.

He slapped me on the back. “There. Much better. I ordered pizza for lunch. It’ll be here any minute.”

“I’m not hungry.”

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