Page 49 of Devoured

“Because I…I…” my voice cracked.

“Because it made you feel out of control. And when you feel out of control you reach for vices.”

I stared at him. “Yeah. That.”

“So to feel better…you got in a fist fight with someone?”

“Honestly that did make me feel better.” I laughed but no one else did. “Look, I just want to keep the past in the past. None of this matters.”

“James, what do we talk about in almost every session? The past is a part of who you are. And if you ever want a healthy relationship, your partner deserves to know your past. All of it. Every sordid detail.”

“I’ve blacked out before. It’s not a big deal,” I said, even though I didn’t believe the words.

“James, you usually black out when youchooseto overindulge. This is different.”

“Well I still don’t fucking remember anything.”

“Because you were drugged. By saying you blacked out, you’re putting the blame on yourself instead of where it really belongs…on Isabella.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does….”

“It doesn’t,” I said again, cutting him off. “None of it. I don’t fucking remember what happened. And I’m not telling Penny that I don’t remember sleeping with Isabella.”

“Why not?”

“Because I already told her otherwise. It’s done.”

Dr. Clark sighed like I was exhausting him. “I’ll ask you again. Why won’t you tell Penny the truth?”

Ian cut in. “Isabella insists James slept with her willingly. And that she’ll leak her side of what happened to Penny if James says otherwise.”

“So she’s blackmailing him?” Dr. Clark asked. He turned back to me. “Surely Penny will believe your side.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time she believed someone else’s word over mine. Isabella is a sore subject because she won’t sign the damned papers. I don’t want her to ruin this one good thing in my life. I just want to move forward.”

“With Penny?”

“If she’ll have me.”

Dr. Clark finished his last bite of pizza. “And you’re building your relationship on half truths and flat out lies. That’s not a strong foundation. It’s bound to crumble, if it hasn’t already.”

“It hasn’t. Penny will come back.” She had to.

“But she can barely even look at you.”

“Well, she can’t eat or sleep without me. She needs me just as much as I need her. She was letting herself waste away when we were apart.”

“So being with you will save her?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t sound convinced about that,” Dr. Clark said. “Is that what you want here…to save her?”

“Maybe. Or maybe she needs savingfromme.”

“James, do you blame yourself for Lyn’s death?”

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