Page 96 of Devoured

"We used to be really good friends." I shrugged. "We fell out of touch after school.” There was a really good reason for that. But this was the one thing I couldn’t talk about with Penny. The only thing I had to keep from her. Because I’d made a promise to my friend Matt. And I wasn’t going to break it. I cleared my throat. “Our parents are still close. And the ad agency Mason works for has helped me out before."

"He seems nice. I've never met any of your friends."

"You find out who your true friends are when things aren't easy anymore. Turns out I didn't have many."

"He didn't even know about your divorce. From my experience, you don't open up very easily. Maybe you're being too hard on your friends."

I smiled. "You're probably right." She was definitely right. I’d meant what I said to Matt. I missed the way we all used to be. But I wasn’t sure there was any going back, no matter how badly I wanted to.

Penny looked out toward Central Park.

Even though she claimed to not like New York City, she seemed to really enjoy Central Park. We’d been walking around just talking for hours just the two of us. Well, and Ian. But she didn’t know that. I eyed him a few tables over. He was texting again, and I couldn’t help but wonder who he was so engrossed in talking to.

"Do you eventually want to move back here?" Penny asked.

I ran my thumb down her palm. I was starting to think that maybe I did. I could see us here. I could see it more clearly than back in Delaware. But that all depended on what she thought. "Not if you don't like it."

"I like it when I'm with you."

I pressed my lips together as I stared at her. "We can go wherever you want, you know. It doesn't matter to me. Wherever you'll be happy." I had a feeling that no matter where we ended up, as long as she was with me, we’d be good.

"After I graduate?"

"Yes." I tried not to sigh. It felt like a lifetime away.

"You talk so easily about our future," she said.

"That's because I already know that you're in my future."

"But there's still..."

"I will never run away from this feeling. I'm not letting you go." I really did not want to talk about Isabella right now.

Penny stared at me. And for some reason I knew whatever she was about to ask me next, I wasn’t going to like. How many times was she going to bring up Isabella?

“How many children do you want?"

I frowned. I was not expecting that turn of events. "What?"

"You want to talk about our future. So let's talk about it."

Breathe.Years ago, I thought I might become a father. I didn’t want it. And I still felt guilty every day, because the baby didn’t make it. Like I’d willed it not to exist.

So this wasn’t the first time I’d thought about what kind of father I’d be. And I already knew the answer. I’d be shit. Just like my father. I could barely take care of myself, let alone an infant. I didn’t do well when people relied on me. The pressure that came with that… I knew how I’d fare. I’d slip. "I'm not sure I'd be a very good father."

"Why would you say that?"

"I'm..." my words trailed away when the waitress walked up. I was relieved for the pause in the conversation. Because I knew where it needed to head, and for just a little longer I wanted Penny to stare at me with stars in her eyes.

"Welcome to the Tavern on the Green. I'm Lexi and I'll be your waitress this evening. Can I get you both something to drink?"

I glanced at the wine list. And then I remembered Penny was only 20.Nope, not happening."We're actually ready to order. We'll both have the cioppino. And could we just have two glasses of apple juice?"

She looked a little surprised. "Sure. I'll be right back."

Penny smiled at me. "Apple juice? You can have a drink if you want."

"I don't want one." I sighed and let go of her hand. This seemed like a good time to rip the Band-Aid off. The perfect time really. It wasn’t like she could exactly run away from this discussion like she was so fond of doing. I’d driven her here. She was stuck with me.Stuck.I wasn’t sure I liked that thought. I wanted her to love me despite my flaws. But I certainly wouldn’t blame her if she did want to run.

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