Page 24 of The Wolf Queen

I offered him my hand in friendship, but got something quite different when he took it.

When I was takenfrom my father’s home, distraught, broken, there’d been something about the way my mates had accustomed me to their touch. Affecting me more than that of any other man, every time one of them had taken my hand or held me to him, it had filled me with a pulsing heat that had taken my breath away. It had been one of the reasons I’d given credence to their claim that I was their mate, that the reaction was the physical evidence of the bond between us. But that didn’t explain this: the fact that there was a similar wash of heat between the messenger and me; the same pulsing sensation… as with my mates. Rake seemed to note the connection between us, his golden eyes gleaming brighter, but I snatched my hand back as if scalded. I stared at my palm, searching for evidence of what had malfunctioned, but there was only smooth skin there.

“A pleasure to meet you, Darcy of Strelae.”

Rake’s voice seemed to change as he responded, the nasal accent softening into a throaty burr that made my ears buzz. But before I could investigate anything further, he wheeled his horse around.

“We’ll make camp for the night,” he announced, like it had been his idea, not my command. “There’s a clearing not far from here and a river to water the horses at.”

“Thank the gods…” Del sighed, which brought my focus back to what was important.

My boy askedto come when I went hunting. Axe followed us at a more sedate pace, keeping an eye on him. I felt a thrill of excitement when Del asked to join me. I knew exactly how my father would’ve reacted if I’d asked the same, so I made sure to do the opposite. To do as Nordred would’ve. To check in with Del and make sure he felt confident with the bow. He showed me how proficient he was, hitting the burl on a tree he’d pointed out.

“A live target is different though,” I warned, not to crush his confidence, but to help build it. “Grouse don’t normally sit still, waiting to be hit.”

“Grouse?” He wrinkled his nose. “Surely we can hunt for a stag. A big one with twelve points—”

“And where will we put the meat that will be leftover? And how much time will we have to spend butchering the beast? Del.” I turned him to face me with a hand on his shoulder. “We are about to take the life of an animal so that we might eat. We must if we are to survive, but we need to do so with care. Meat left to spoil and feed the flies is a waste, an insult to the animal’s sacrifice.”

He nodded slowly, eyes big, as the two of us turned to face the forest.

Walking like this, the two of us in perfect sync, was beautiful yet painful. It wasn’t hard to imagine a different child joining us, a boy—or a girl perhaps—with Gael’s eyes, or mine. A child brought up surrounded by love, inheriting a little of the spirit of both of us, using the knowledge they’d been learned at our knees to keenly rake the undergrowth for signs of our next meal. But Del was no substitute for the child who’d hardly had a chance to be. Del had been there before I’d even known I was a mother and his and Jan’s presence reminded me that I needed to be one, no matter what loss I had suffered. So when I reached out and took his hand—squeezing it to let him know to stop, to look around at what the forest was telling us—and then pointed to the birds drowsing in a nearby clearing, when he squeezed back, I felt a rush of pride.

Of love.

Meeting my mates had made clear to me that my heart was far bigger than I’d thought. And each person I’d made a connection with since had seemed to enlarge it further. But I was realising that Jan and Del had burrowed their way into my heart faster and deeper than almost all others. The love and pride of a parent was different—my role with them was to be their support and to see them take their steps toward independence. So it was Del I focussed on right now. I nodded to him and smiled, indicating he was to take the first shot. He might miss and send the birds fluttering, the noise startling away other game in the forest. All would be well. We had dried meat and bread and cheese in our saddlebags. We would survive without fresh meat. But I needed this, to watch my boy pull that bow, stand straight and true before aiming and letting his arrow fly. I needed to walk the same steps that Nordred had done with me, and I thanked the gods that I’d had his guidance in my life. I needed to be him now, even as I navigated these challenges without him. He had died and passed the baton on, and it was only now I felt like I was actually picking it up.

Del’s arrow hit true, but not well. The bird let out an ungainly squawk, sending the rest fluttering off, but I was on my feet and running across the ground at speed. Grabbing the madly flapping bird by the feet, I put my foot on its neck and ended its life with a quick twist of my hand.

“We must kill them quickly,” I told Del as he rushed up. “Be merciful in your kills, don’t prolong an animal’s pain. Their bodies fuel ours, and we must treat that as the gift it is.”

“My da used to say a little prayer to the Morrigan when he brought down an animal,” Del said, eyeing me.

We stared at each other, squatting beside the dead bird and I knew he was waiting for my permission. But if he was my child now, he was the child of his birth parents before, and I would make sure to honour them.

“Then you should say it,” I told him.

He nodded, bringing his hands up and clasping them under his chin.

“Thank you for this gift, dread lady,” he said. “Thank you for the strength of my arm, for allowing my arrow to fly true. Thank you for this bounty, this gift of one of your creatures.” And then he performed a strange little gesture, one unfamiliar to me—a fluttering of his hands—before standing up.

Axe nodded to me as all three of us walked back to camp. It might be that we were a little light on meat tonight, but we would survive. Axe smiled a broad smile and then put his hand around my waist, pulling me in closer as we walked.

“That was well done, lass.”

My spirit grabbed on to that praise, holding it like a stub of candle whose light flickers in the night air, but my hands went around it, protecting it from the darkness and the wind.

“You’ll be sick of grouse before we get to Middlebury,” Rake said, returning to camp from the other side of the forest with several birds in tow, “but we’ll reach the town tomorrow and you’ll be able to eat fresh lamb stew from the inn.”

“Won’t taste as good as this though,” I said, winking at Del as I showed him how to pluck the feathers from his kill.

“A story!”Jan demanded, when I told her she and her brother needed to go to bed.

“I’ll tell you a story,” Axe said, swooping in and grabbing her before throwing her in the air. I winced, my mothering mind knowing this kind of stimulation made it harder for her to settle, but then her sheer happiness and her giggles kept me silent. Let her take what pleasures she can, I thought. Del was terribly serious and still, but his sister seemed much more resilient, happy as long as she felt safe. “Of princesses and dragons and evil kings.” Axe winked at me. “And how she overcame each one of them. But first a kiss.”

He leaned Jan down to me. She presented a cheek and I kissed her quickly, then ruffled her hair.

“Go to sleep and be good for Axe,” I told her with a stern stare, one I found hard to maintain. “We’ll be riding all day and you need to be well rested.” Del studied the fire with undue interest, obviously hoping to linger. “You too, Del.”

---