Page 10 of Inked Heart

Ido as I am told and slide my ass over then lean over the console in order, to kiss his sexy mouth. I don’t deserve this man and I am certain I never would have told him about his baby. My childhood was fucked up and I really thought I could do better on my own. I may be wrong, but I still don’t want to chance it. It is a risk that would be better left untaken.

‘We should talk.” I say after pulling back from him and physically suppressing the moan that wants to escape.

“I don’t like the sound of that baby.” He says, with a grim smile.

“Then you really won’t like what I have to say.” I say folding my hands in my lap.

He pulls my left hand into his.

“Whatever it is, just tell me. I can handle it.” He squeezes my hand,

I take several deep breaths and begin.

“My father, Christopher was a good man. He loved my mom, Kathleen very much. When Miles, Dexter, Chip, and I came along he loved us too. They seemed like the perfect couple to people on the outside, but no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. He controlled everything. And I do mean everything. A lot of my knowledge is second hand from Miles, but I saw things too. He controlled her access to the money. Including the money, she had before they were married and the inheritance she got when my grandparents unexpectedly died in a car accident. He controlled when she could go to the store, what she wore, and who she could be friends with. It was claustrophobic and to my little mind, I could only imagine how she felt. He wasn’t as bad with me and the boys, but I definitely felt it and saw a glimpse of my future looking at my mom.”

“Kitty, I-” El begins.

“Please let me finish. I have to get this all out.” I say as I furiously wipe my tears with both hands.

“Ok. Continue.” He says as he nods.

His jaw is clenched as is his hands, which are resting on his thighs. Is he mad at me? I hate when people are mad at me, but him especially. Deciding I need to think about that later, I shake my head and begin again.

“When I was six, my mother decided to go back to work and had given him an ultimatum. Either she was going back to work, or she was leaving him. Something about being stifled. He must have relented because she did go back. She had been an architect and met my father when he hired her firm to design his office building. She had designed a lot of schools and parks in St. Paul. This was her first major assignment.”

“When she went back to work, it went well for a few months. Then one day in September, she had a meeting with a client after hours. My father followed her and discovered it was a male. He freaked out and rushed home. When she got home he shot her and then himself. His suicide note spelled out all the mindfuck games he played with her. He also talked about, because they started the same way, there was no way she wasn’t looking for another husband. Basically, he let his jealous nature take control and he thought she was cheating on him. I believe he loved her, but it was warped and not healthy. I cannot do that to myself and I won’t do that to my baby.” I shudder.

“Our baby.” He says, softly.

“Our baby.” I correct myself.

“That is awful, baby. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but your father was a sick man before he did the unthinkable. He had to be in order, for it to manifest in that way.”

“I know, but that isn’t the worst of it.”

“It isn’t?”

“Chip, my little brother who was just a baby and I were in the car when he followed her. We were at home when he did it. Miles was away at med school in North Carolina. He is seventeen years older than me and Dexter is only eight years older. He was at baseball practice. My dad put us in my room and put on Toy Story, kissed us and shut the door. Twenty minutes later after some shouting, I heard what I now know was the gunshots. I burst out of my room and saw my mom first, laying in a pool of blood. He shot her twice. Once in the chest, and once in the head. Next to her and holding her hand was my dad. He shot himself in the head. That image is forever burned in my brain.”

“Jesus Christ. You were a just a little girl. You shouldn’t have seen that.” He says. He’s right, but at this point words don’t matter.

At this point, my tears are flowing like waterfalls. He pulls me across the console and onto his lap.

“Can you please take me home? I am going to need some time. I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be and I won’t be controlled. I can’t. It would break me, El.”

“Of course. I don’t want to break you, Kitty. I want to love you and want us to be equals. I need you and our baby in my life. If we can’t be together I will understand, but please know that isn’t healthy either.

“You think I don’t know that, El?” I say as I bang my tiny hand on his broad pecs. “That I don’t know how I’ve let this shape every single romantic decision I’ve ever made? That I stayed a virgin for so long? That I never want to fall in love? That my older brothers do the same fucking thing, albeit they fuck everything that moves, and my baby brother has so much rage that I don’t even know how he copes with it. Believe me, I fucking know how fucked up I am. I don’t need you to tell me any damn thing.”

“Oh Kitty, baby. I love you” He says caressing my hair.

I can’t bring myself to say it back, though I do. I am an awful person and feel this thing is looming over me and holding me hostage. Leaving, El as the collateral damage. I kiss his firm lips again, before pulling back and looking into his green eyes. He seems genuine, but I really need to think, and I cannot do that when he is near me. He makes me so hot.

“Take me home. I need to go home, now.” I think I am going to be sick, so I open the driver’s side door and get down off his lap. I make it to the back of the truck before my extra anchovy pizza comes back up. El is right beside me, holding my hair back like the good man he is. He is rubbing my back too. When I have nothing left in me, I stand back up and walk around to the passenger side. El helps me in and shuts the door before getting in and starting the truck. He drives me to my apartment building.

“Where is your phone?” He asks as he pulls his out of his pocket.

I grab it out my purse, which I left on the floor before and unlock it.

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