Page 11 of All I Wank for Christmas

Jasper furrows his brow with a confused look. Maybe he didn’t watch much TV as a kid. Damn those sexy eyes, though. “So, you won’t consider helping me tonight?”

“Why me? I realize we have a connection, but if you know so much about me, why don’t you just call me for coffee next week? Spoiler alert. If you’d done that, I would have gone.”

He smiles, straightening his shoulders like he’s ecstatic I said I would go on a date with him. He shakes his head, probably thinking about my question. “Holly, I picked you because I haven’t met anyone that has made me feel butterflies in a long time. That, and I can see your education. You’re an accountant by trade. I needyourhelp, and I didn’t know where else to turn.”

Chapter 4

Jasper

“Thisisfuckingnuts!”Holly yells a foot from Blitzen’s face.

I quickly clamp my hand over her mouth and look around at the other houses in her neighborhood. No lights are on, and I jerk my head toward her neighbor’s house across the street. Thankfully, she gets the idea that she has to be quiet, and she zips her lips when I move my hand away, miming throwing away a key.

“You have to be quiet. This is Blitzen,” I whisper, stroking my hand down the side of Blitzen’s head. Her red collar jingles, and she blows steam out of her snout.

“They’re all real?”

“Most of the stories are a little off. For example, there’s no Rudolph.” I jerk my chin toward the front of the sleigh where there isn’t a lone reindeer with a light-up nose. “That was just one silly story. The rest of the reindeer are real enough, though. They’re actually caribou, but I realize the rest of the world calls them reindeer because of the stories.”

“How long do reindeer live?”

“If you’re wondering if it’s the same Blitzen that was named ages ago, the answer is no. They’re like my family. The oldest female born to a sleigh reindeer gets the title of Blitzen or Dasher or Dancer after their mothers die.”

“Females?”

“Here’s your science lesson for the day. Male reindeer drop their antlers in the late fall around November. Females drop their antlers in the spring. If a reindeer still has antlers in December, it’s probably female.” I nod around to the crew of reindeer, patiently waiting for direction on Holly’s roof. Prancer shakes her head a bit. She’s always hated the bridle.

“I learned something new today,” she says, shivering in the night air. I’d go back in for her coat, but once I get her in the sleigh, she’ll be fine with the butt warmers built into the seats, the stack of blankets, and the hot cocoa bar my mother installed in the console.

“You learned something besides the fact that my family is real?”

She smiles and relaxes her shoulders for the first time since I slid down the chimney. She’s taking this better than I thought she would. “Fine, I guess I’ve learned two things.”

“Let me show you the sleigh!”

I grab Holly’s hand and pull her to my pride and joy. Well, it’s the pride and joy of the family. Now I know what normal guys feel like when they buy a Lamborghini and go pick up their girl. Pride blossoms in my chest, and I pull my shoulders back and smile as I pat the side of the sleigh. “Here it is, the family jewel.”

Holly doesn’t notice my pride or demeanor. She’s too busy staring at the sleigh, blinking and moving her mouth like a fish. She wants to say something but isn’t sure she can form the words. She reaches out a shaky hand and runs it across the top of the candy-apple-red wood. She stops and fingers the leather reins that are tied off through a loop I use when we make stops.

She pulls her finger back like something burned her. “It’s like what Charles used to control the horse onLittle House on the Prairie.”

“Get in,” I say. “It’s cold out here, and Mom always makes cocoa. I also have some of those heated handwarmer things you can stick in your pockets.”

She steps into the sleigh with wide eyes. “This comes with everything, huh?”

“All the bells and whistles. Do you want to drive it? I’ll help you hold the reins.”

She shakes her head like she’s scared and sticks her hands under her butt. Her eyes are wide, and she looks at the houses around us. “Can they see us?”

“Kind of. People can see it, but it doesn’t register in their minds. If someone looked out their window right now, they wouldn’t be like, ‘Hey, Mildred, there’s a sleigh on top of the Hepperdine house.’ They’d see it, blink, and go right back to what they were doing, not letting it faze them.”

“How am I seeing it then?”

“I’m allowing it. Yeah, I can do that too. At least while I’m wearing the suit.”

I take the reins and make a whistling noise that all the reindeer, except for Prancer, obey. That’s why Prancer gets put at the back of the sleigh. She’s obstinate, and the rest of the reindeer pull her along. The sleigh lilts to the side like it usually does when eight reindeer lift into the air and find their rhythm. Holly grabs onto my arm, and I chuckle as I pat her hand with my free one. “It’s fine. You won’t fall out.”

She looks over the side. “I guess now would be a bad time to tell you that I’m afraid of heights.”

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