Page 15 of All I Wank for Christmas

I tap my foot and think. How would this make sense? Closing my eyes, I think about an older man. An older Santa. Was he used to doing things the wayhisfather taught him? Did Jasper’s grandfather do things the wayhewas taught? I should have asked Jasper for more information. How does this shelving make sense?

I walk to the next shelf.

Vietnam/Laos/Cambodia.

I blow out a frustrated growl and move to the next aisle as something itches at my brain. All of this sounds like something I may have learned in high school or in my college general education classes I had to take before I started accounting. Is this by something historical? Something that would have meant something to a Santa and the Santas that came before them?

Korea/North and South.

My brain snaps to life, and a hypothesis forms. I turn in the other direction, snapping my fingers as I walk to break the silence of the warehouse. My shoes squeak against the floor as I walk, and my snapping fingers echo off every wall. If I’m right…

If I’m right, the United States will be further toward the back. If Saint Nicholas lived during the Roman Empire, the system may have started with the Empire and evolved as countries came into existence. Sure, St. Nicholas wasn’t known as a jolly man who delivered gifts using reindeer back then, but it’s all I have to work with. I’ll bet Helena’s next tuition check that England, France, and Portugal are toward the back with the United States somewhere in between, gaining its independence in the late 1700s.

“Please be right,” I say, walking faster down the shelves. “I don’t have any other ideas.”

The countries of Latin America appear. I have to be on the right track. This is right. I can feel it. They had things sorted by countries and territories centuries ago, and they just added shelves as countries came about.

The United States appears in front of me. If the same theory applies, it won’t be alphabetical by state. It’ll be by when the state became a state. I certainly don’t know those dates by heart, but that theory holds water when I find Hawaii and Alaska toward the front. Pennsylvania is nestled in the back with the other original colonies.

Looking around, I spot a golf cart next to a hook with coats, scarves, and bib overalls, and I smile when I notice the keys are still in the cart.

“Well, you’re in luck,” I say, popping my head out of the decoy presents and scaring Jasper. He jumps and sloshes cocoa on his suit. In front of us, Prancer bucks and kicks her feet, narrowly missing the front of the sleigh.

“Did you find Pennsylvania and Madison Luther?”

I hold up Madison Luther’s present over my head like it’s a bowling trophy. “Found it. And I have most of the presents in our area in the cart right below this ladder. I also figured out your dad’s system.”

“What is it?”

“Independence and statehoods. Let’s not fuss over it. I have it figured out. I may need to Google some stuff to find things tonight, but I know what I’m looking for now.”

He blows out a sigh, and his shoulders relax. “I’m so glad I met you. You’re a genius, Holly. Sheer genius. I would never have guessed that.”

“Yeah, just think how awful it would have been if you’d received a hand job from a woman who didn’t pay attention in history class. We need to get going, though. Go do your thing.”

He puts his cup down. “Are you ready?”

“Ready for what? Staying with the reindeer and having you bring me any leftover cookies? Yes.”

“Nice try,” he says as he wraps the reins around the handle and jumps from the sleigh. “You’re coming with me.”

Chapter 6

Jasper

“ThefuckIam,”she says.

“Look, Dad has done this for years. He’s in and out. I’m still new at this and worried about getting caught.”

“You have the suit. Won’t people just look at you and not even remember they see you?”

“Dogs can see me. They can give it away.”

She puts her hands on her hips and blows out a sigh that moves her bangs. “Is there anything else you need to tell me about how all this works?” she asks.

“I think that’s it.”

“I know everything there is to know here?”

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