Page 17 of All I Wank for Christmas

“T-taser!” I yell before I can stop myself.

Holly’s hand flies to my mouth to shut me up, but my scream startles the dog. The man looks around confused, and the dog’s odd movement toward me scares the man. Unfortunately, the taser is pointed at us when the man nearly jumps out of his skin.

Electrified prongs move toward us in what seems like slow motion, and I try to move Holly out of the way at the last second. The dog lunges forward and grabs onto my boot, which probably terrifies the man as he sees his dog clamp down on something that isn’t quite there in the man’s mind.

The man screams. I scream as the dog bites into my boot. Holly screams as the prongs on the taser catch her in the arm. I scream again as Holly shakes for a few seconds, her eyes rolling back and a line of drool running from her mouth.

She hits the floor with a thud because I didn’t catch her in time. She’s still hidden because she’s slumped against me, and I do a weird dance of trying to fight off the attack dog and keep Holly out of sight. I fight with the animal and try to pry its teeth off my boot before it hits flesh. I can’t imagine what’s going through the man’s mind as he watches his pet grab onto something and jerk it from side to side.

“What the fuck is happening?” the man screams. “What the hell did the taser even hit? Cocoa, what do you have in your mouth?”

“Holly?” I ask. I do my best to get the dog off me without hurting it, but I have to get us both out of here. Now. “Holly, are you OK? Please be alive. Please be alive.” I lightly slap her cheek. She whimpers, and I nearly piss myself with relief.

“Cocoa, stay!” the man orders as I look around for the taser prongs on Holly.

Thankfully, the man grabs the dog by the collar and drags him from the room. I pull out the taser prongs, hoping that they aren’t electrically charged after the first hit. Once I get them out of Holly’s body, two drops of blood drip down her arm where she was lightly punctured.

“Jasper?” she asks. “Did I piss my pants?”

I look down at her tights, the same tights she wore to work today. Christmasy. Happy. They don’t look like they belong on someone that was just tased by a disgruntled homeowner. Without thinking, I lift her skirt a little to check the wetness situation like she’s one of those Betsy Wetsy dolls my father told me about and put the skirt modestly back in place when I’m done. This is not how I imagined finally seeing up her skirt. “Dry as a bone.”

“Well, that’s good. I heard people piss or shit themselves when they get tased. I can’t feel my legs. Is that normal?”

“I think so. I think you lose muscle control for a bit. Here, put your arms around me. I’ll carry you out.”

She does as I ask, and I pull us up. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I frown as I turn to the chimney to get us back up to the roof. If this happened at any other moment – her in my arms and looking up at me through fluttering lashes – it’d be the most romantic moment of my life.

“Don’t shit on hot Santa,” she mumbles, clearly not aware that she’s speaking out loud. “Don’t shit on Jasper.”

“If you haven’t already made a mess, you’re probably not going to poop your pants. Let’s get you back to the sleigh. I’m so sorry that happened, Holly.”

“That hurt. Being Santa’s dog lookout really hurts. I never want to be tased again. I’ll never shoplift a lipstick or put myself in any situation where a box store security guard would do that to me.”

“The funny thing is that my dad has been doing this for decades, and he’s never been bit or tased. I’m a failure, Holly. Not only did I get bit, but I let you get tased.”

We get back up to the roof, and I set Holly in the sleigh. She immediately slinks against the side as I get in the console and look for a water bottle. Surely, Mom would have packed water.

I finally find a bottle behind the cocoa and candy canes and uncap it. “Here, drink this. You’ll feel better. Can you wiggle your toes?”

“Wiggle my toes?”

“Baby steps, right?”

She screws up her face like she’s concentrating. “I think I moved my big toe. My head hurts. Is my head supposed to hurt?”

“I’m sure anything is possible,” I say, pulling out my phone and Googlingtaser aftercare. “I was right to pull the prongs out after the initial electrical charge. It says you should return to normal soon but may be sore for a few days.” I hop into the sleigh and show Holly my screen, which she half-ass looks at. “Do I need to take you to the hospital?”

“I don’t think so. My legs are starting to tingle like they’re rebooting. Just give me a few minutes. I haven’t met my deductible for the year. It’s too expensive if I’ll be OK anyway.” She leans against the side of the sleigh, whimpering again. If we were in a car, her face would be smashed up against the window. “Let’s just get out of here before the man thinks that something’s weird and comes up here with Cocoa to investigate.”

“Not until I know you’re OK.” I pull a small emergency blanket packet out from under the seat. My father told me they were there in case something happens that I see or something happens directly to me. I sure didn’t think I’d need it on my first delivery. I open the packet, pull the aluminum foil space-like blanket out, and drape it over here. “Here. Just in case you go into shock.”

“What the hell is this?”

“Emergency blanket. It’s for if you get caught in the wilderness and need warmth or if you go into shock after witnessing something traumatic. I don’t want you to go into shock.”

“I look like a ham sandwich.”

I smile. “Holly, trust me when I tell you that you look nothing like a ham sandwich. I’ve never seen someone so utterly beautiful and perfect in all my life, even when you’re wrapped in aluminum foil.”

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