Page 19 of All I Wank for Christmas

I briefly shake Kristin’s gift. “Is this what I think it is?”

Jasper closes his eyes like he’s mentally scrolling through the inventory, and he smirks. “Yep.”

“People can write to Santa for dildos?”

Jasper shrugs. “We specialize intoys, Holly. It’s a toy. It makes them happy. Why not spread a little Christmas cheer?”

I sit back down on the seat and Jasper takes the gifts from me. His pants pockets are huge, so he shoves the toy in a pocket until I can only see the top of Kristin’s present.

“Do they have a dog?” I ask.

“No dog,” he says. “Should be an easy drop.”

There’s no chimney at the Tanner house. There’s not even a flat roof to land on since the roof is steep and looks like a triangle from the side. Jasper parks the sleigh behind a crop of evergreen trees on the empty lot next to the house. I’m on high alert now. I don’t need another zap, so I make sure to stay behind Jasper as he opens the front door into the living room.

“Did they leave the door unlocked?” I ask.

“No, I can get through any locked door by just touching it as long as I’m in the suit.”

“This just keeps getting weirder,” I whisper, tiptoeing into the house behind Jasper.

“It’s a lot. But there’s too much to explain all at once.”

“I need one of those charts where you pick yes or no and then there’s an arrow pointing to what to do next.”

Jasper looks over his shoulder at me. “You’ve just described my entire childhood education.”

The Tanners have a nice house for people that still write to Santa. The house is immaculate with folded cashmere blankets over the couch cushions. A sturdy oak coffee table is in the middle of the room, and the sectional couches are leather with cupholders and butt warmer buttons. Long stockings hang from the fireplace that’s obviously fake since there’s no chimney, and a large flat-screen television is mounted on the wall above me. The floorplan is open, and a quick glance at the kitchen shows granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, and a top-of-the-line expresso maker my hands itch to try.

“Are they here?” I whisper to Jasper. I want to explore more.

He shakes his head and closes his eyes, probably seeing their actions right now. “They’re at a party.”

I cross the living room floor and slowly sit on their leather sectional, whining with pleasure as I slink into the cushions. I’ve never felt anything like it. I suddenly sit up straight, afraid to put my whole weight on their couch. I don’t want to leave weird butt marks on their furniture.

“Trying out the sofa?” Jasper asks. He flicks his eyes to the front door.

“Do you ever get tempted to try things out in houses?”

“This is my first run except for a few practice runs when I was a kid, but I had to stay in the sleigh.”

I snap my fingers. “That’s right. Does your dad ever admit to doing fun stuff in houses when the owners aren’t there? Jumping on a trampoline? Making a cup of coffee in a really fancy coffee maker? Does he use their toilet if he needs to go?”

“No,” he chuckles.

“I’d do it. You’re all better people than most.”

Jasper walks to the couch and sits next to me. “What would you do?”

“Probably what I usually do when I go to someone’s house – look through the medicine cabinet.”

“You do that?”

“Of course. I like seeing all the brands people use. Toothpaste. Shaving cream. Tampons. It’s interesting to know their shopping habits. You don’t nose around?”

“I don’t need to snoop, remember? I can see actions. For example, I know the Tanners have a hidden sex room in their basement.”

I sit up a little straighter. “Like a sex dungeon?”

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