Page 27 of All I Wank for Christmas

I turn to her and don’t even bother covering my dick. She looks down and raises her eyebrows. I follow her eyes and cringe a little. “Uh, yeah. I guess I’m happy you’ve already seen what it looks like normally. If you only saw it in twenty-degree weather, that’d be embarrassing.”

A smile threatens the side of her mouth, and she stomps toward the sleigh. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“You can’t walk around with nothing but assless chaps, Jasper. We need to find you something to wear until we get your suit back.”

“All of the gifts in the sleigh are spoken for,” I say, walking behind her.

“That didn’t stop us from using the Tanner toys.”

“That’s different.”

“How?” she asks. “Those were sex toys and one went in your asshole. How is borrowing someone’s sweatpants not OK?”

“Because there are none in there that will fit me.”

Holly stops with her legs dangling over the back of the sleigh. “Not one adult asked for clothes?”

I shake my head. “The Tanners are some of the only adults that still believe and write us. There are a few others, but if they ask for clothing, it’s mostly socks or women’s lingerie.”

She bites her lip and then dives down into the decoy gifts to get to the warehouse. I have no idea what she thinks she’s going to find. It’s not like I can duct tape a bunch of socks together and go about the night.

I get into the sleigh and wrap a blanket around my body before sitting on the freezing bench. All I need is to get stuck to the freezing plastic and have Holly pour hot water on my ass to unstick me. That would be the cherry on top of this night.

Prancer turns around and huffs at me, blowing breath steam into the air. She shakes her head like she wants out of her bridle, and I flip her off. “What are you looking at? Didn’t you ever see Dad naked because he left his clothes in a house? Turn around!”

She brays at me once and turns around. Thankfully, the other reindeer face forward, probably embarrassed to know me.

“Here we are!” Holly says, popping her head up from the back of the sleigh and holding up a pair of bib overalls.

“What are those?”

She shrugs. “I thought you’d know. I remember seeing bibs hanging on a hook near one of the golf cart things when I was down there before. If they’re not a gift, maybe the elves use them as work clothes or something?”

I take the bibs and step out of the sleigh to put them on. “This will work. Holly, you’re a genius. Have I told you that tonight?”

“Once already, but I like hearing it.”

I step into the bibs, lament the way the crotch seam rubs against my dick and balls, and gratefully buckle each side of the bibs over my shoulders.

“Now that you aren’t flapping in the breeze, we need a solid plan.”

“OK, let me think.” I pinch my nose and squeeze my eyes closed, forcing my brain to kick to life.

Why am I still thinking about that amazing blow job?

“Well, think fast. We’re behind a bunch of evergreen trees, but if the Tanners decide to use their dungeon, they’re going to wonder why there’s a discarded Santa suit in there. We also left the disco ball and lights on. If they go searching the grounds, they’ll find a guy dressed like Uncle Jesse fromThe Duke’s of Hazzard, and eight reindeer strapped to a magical sleigh. We need solutions.”

She’s right. I take a deep breath through my nose and pull her to me. I need her arms around me right now, and I need to hug someone. I’d even hug Prancer at this point. I feel so alone. So naked – and that has nothing to do with the fact that I’m naked under bib overalls.

I let her go and grab the assless chaps. Thankfully, they untie in the middle, becoming two separate leather pieces, and I slide the leather over my bare arms. The result is turning myself into a hillbilly bat. Holly frowns, and I shrug. “It’s all I have right now.”

“Fair enough. What’s the plan?”

“Do you have any clothes at your house we can borrow?”

“I don’t have anything that will fit you. You’re almost a foot taller and about 50 more pounds of solid muscle.”

“Let’s go to the next house on the list. If I can’t get in, we’ll see if there’s a window or something we can shimmy through. Let’s make a few easy deliveries and give the Tanners time to go to bed. Hopefully, they drank a shit ton of liquor tonight and will be too drunk and tired to notice if we sneak back into their sex dungeon in an hour.”

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