Page 28 of All I Wank for Christmas

Holly nods and looks around the sleigh while I tap the tablet to access the list. A team player and ready to get the show on the road, Holly throws her leg over the back of the sleigh, ready to go into the warehouse for any gifts we need.

I tap a few times on my tablet and find a nearby house that’s barely in Holly’s county. We’re getting further out into rural Pennsylvania where few people live. The Helmcamps live a couple miles away, don’t have dogs, and they don’t have neighbors. It’ll be an easy house if I can get into a window or shimmy up a drainpipe.

I pick up the reins and make a giddy-up noise that Prancer ignores, choosing to kick her back heels and fart instead. Holly and I both wave the smell away without comment. Prancer may think she has one up on us, but we’ve been through more terrible things tonight. The other reindeer take off, pulling the obstinate Prancer along, and we’re airborne in a few seconds as Holly looks in the back for the Helmcamp child’s present.

Chapter 10

Holly

“Doyouwantmeto stay in the sleigh this time?” I ask as Jasper parks the sleigh in a crop of trees. The Helmcamp house faces a wooded area, and it’s the perfect cover for eight reindeer.

Please say I don’t have to go in. I’m obviously better at running stock and minding the sleigh than I am at delivering. As God as my witness, I’ll never even look in another person’s medicine cabinet. Being in other people’s houses is for the birds.

“I think that’s a good idea if you watch the reindeer,” Jasper says, jumping out of the sleigh and giving a sad look at the chimney on the house. He can’t go in that way, so we hope the door is unlocked. A lot of rural folks still don’t lock their doors. “We’re two for two with you tonight. I don’t want you getting tased or distracting me in a sex room again.”

“No problem.” I wrap the bench blanket around me and tuck it between my legs. It’s cold out here without underwear on. “And nice try, blaming that sex dungeon on me. I think we’re both to blame for that.”

He places Tara Helmcamp’s gift on the bench next to me and leans over. Tugging on the blanket around me, he pulls me closer to him until his mouth hovers an inch from mine. Why does his breath always smell like peppermint? I swish my tongue around in my mouth, hoping my breath doesn’t taste or smell like burnt ass. When he plants a gentle kiss on my lips, he crinkles his eyes.

“I think I have bad breath.”

“I don’t care,” Jasper says, shaking his head. “I want to kiss you with tongue.”

I move my head to the side and kiss his cheek instead. “Better get going, or we’ll have a problem in the sleigh. Every time you kiss me, I want to attack you.”

“That’s a bad thing?”

“We’re in enough shit.”

Jasper huffs, grabs the present, and turns to walk to the house fifty yards away. When he’s halfway to the house, he looks back at me, smiling. “There are candy canes in the console, Holly. I expect to kiss you in a couple minutes when I get back.” He makes finger guns at me. “I expect tongue.”

I run my eyes up and down his body. Black boots. Dark denim bib overalls. Black leather chaps on his arms with the strings hanging down his biceps. The ridiculousness of the outfit finally hits me, and I cover my mouth with a giggle.

As ridiculous as he looks, I’d still fuck him.

Without waiting for him to get all the way to the house, I find a candy cane, unwrap it, and stick it in my mouth as I watch Jasper walk to the Helmcamp door, jiggle the knob, and slouch.

Shit. The door’s locked.

Maybe he’ll try a window.

Jasper must have the same idea because he steps over bushes that come up to his thighs and peeks in the window. From the size and position of the windows, it’s probably the living room. He cups his hands and looks left and right. Stepping back, he looks up at the house, looks back at me, and points to the second story.

“No!” I hiss. He can’t hear me from where he is, but I wave my hands. “Don’t go up there.”

He walks to the drainpipe at the side of the house and next to a climbable tree and pulls the pipe, testing to see if it’s sturdy. When it doesn’t come away from the siding, he gives me a thumbs up and acts oblivious to the fact that I’m standing in the sleigh and waving my hands.

“Come back here right now, Jasper!” I whisper, pointing to the ground.

He shakes his head and points at the tree next to the house like he’s going to use the branches to work his way up the drainpipe. Is he insane?

But who’s more insane? The crazy person or the person that follows the crazy person? Apparently, that’s me tonight.

What’s the universal signal to tell someone they’re a moron? I rack my brain for a way to tell Jasper to not do it, but all I can do is wave my arms and silently kick at the snow in frustration.

Jasper ignores me, obviously focused on doing his job and desperate to get inside the house. He tucks Tara’s gift in the front of his bibs and lifts himself up to the first limb, pulling his feet up and holding on like a sloth. A look of confusion crosses his face like he doesn’t know what to do next. Maybe he didn’t climb many trees as a child. Eventually, he pulls himself up until he can sit on the branch.

Jasper takes a deep breath and then reaches for the next limb, this time using his feet against the side of the house to push himself up. He does this branch by branch until he can get on top of the porch. He grabs the pipe and pulls himself onto the black shingles, turning and giving me a thumbs up. I shake my head back at him, and he ignores me.

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