Page 32 of All I Wank for Christmas

I sit in the bright yellow, plastic chair and cross my legs, smiling and tilting my head at Deacon like he has my full attention. Like he’s a client and visiting the parlor. “Actually, Deacon, I was hoping you’d help me with something.”

He smiles a toothy grin. Say what you will about the asshole, he looks nice. His brown eyes practically glow with the idea of helping the damsel in distress that jerks his cock when his wife won’t pay attention to him. “I’d do anything to help you.”

I point finger guns at him. “I’m glad to hear that, big guy.” I don’t even hide my inference that he has a big schlong. That’s a total lie. He’s the smallest dick I yank. “I need you to tell me if there’s a guy here.”

Deacon looks at Roy in the break area and leans back in his chair to catch a glimpse of Sheriff DeWitt still on the phone. “There are three of us here. If you want, I’m sure we could make your Christmas interesting. Bang bang, choo choo train, right?”

I giggle a girlish chuckle and tap his forearm, stroking it a little with my nails as I pull away. “No, silly. I was wondering if you brought another guy in. Bib overalls. Dark hair and a little stubble. Ring a bell?”

“The guy we picked up wearing assless chaps on his arms who thinks he’s Santa?”

“Yes, that one,” I nod.

“Friend of yours?”

“Kind of.”

“Holly, let me give you some advice,” he says, leaning in. I lean toward him, playing along. “Don’t get involved with guys that think they’re Santa. We had a guy think he was the tooth fairy once, and it wasn’t pretty. If you need friendship, we’re all more than happy to keep you company.”

His hand slides over mine, and I look down at the gold watch on his wrist. I fucking hate this guy. I’d punch him in the face if I could. Most of my clients are normal guys, but this guy has a serial killer or power trip cop vibe and always has.

I pull my hand back and suddenly wish I could wash it. I only touch him with gloves on at work. This somehow feels more personal. Filthier. I smile and resist the urge to cringe at him. I don’t care if he ever shows his face in the parlor again. I just need Jasper.

Get Jasper and get the fuck out so he can deliver the presents in his sleigh. That’s the plan.

“Let’s get down to brass tacks, Deacon. What can I do to get Jasper Nicholas out of the clink tonight besides paying tooth and nail in bail money we both know I don’t have?”

Deacon’s hand moves to his belt, and his fingers dance over the buckle. He looks behind him again. Luckily, Roy’s realized I’m here and is on his way over to Deacon’s desk. Deacon reddens and turns back to me with his lips in a grim line.

“Holly Happy Hands! How are you?” Roy says, walking up to the desk and slapping Deacon on the shoulder. “What brings you up here?”

Say what you want about Roy, I’d take him over a prick like Deacon any time. He’s younger, around my age, and has no wife he cheats on when he comes into the parlor. He talks to me about monster truck shows and punk bands. He’s actually a sweetheart. He asked me out once, and I turned him down because I don’t like punk bands or monster trucks. I also didn’t want a first date to be awkward because I was already familiar with his junk.

“I’m here to get the guy you brought in that thinks he’s Santa Claus.”

Roy and Deacon look at each other. “That guy?” Roy asks. “Don’t tell me you’re datingthatguy.”

Both men stare at me with slightly open mouths, and my hands clench so hard that I stick them under my legs so I won’t show my anger. How dare these guys talk about Jasper like he’s a drunk, a druggie, or a guy that cheats on his wife at a massage parlor? There are millions of worse men in the world, and Deacon is one of them. Roy’s nice enough, but he shouldn’t make fun of anyone.

“He’s my friend,” I say, a cool sound to my voice. “No boyfriend. What do you say, guys? Can I bust my friend out?”

Deacon laughs. “You know we can’t just wave a magic wand and pop Santa Claus out of the clink, Holly. You have to pay bail.”

“I don’t have bail.”

“Then you don’t have your Santa Claus being held for disorderly conduct and trespassing.”

Roy gives Deacon a side-eyed look before frowning and looking at me with kindness on his face. He may think Jasper’s crazy, but he has the heart to feel a little bad about the situation.

I sigh and crinkle my face into a crying position. If I can work up some tears here, that’d be nice. OK, think of something awful. Horrible. Whale extinction. Global warming. Something, anything to work up some tears.

Even without real tears, Roy leans forward with a concerned look on his face and rubs my arm. Deacon reaches for a tissue, handing it to me and squinting like he’s not sure I’m in need of comfort or trying to play on his emotional love for my hand jobs.

I take the tissue and wipe my eyes. “It’s just…it’s Christmas Eve, and Jasper was playing Santa for my little cousin. My cousin doesn’t have much in life, you see. Her, uh, parents ran away and left her with our other aunt. She’s parentless and was really looking forward to just one spot of joy in her life. Since she was three, all she wanted was to catch Santa on Christmas Eve as he was delivering presents.” I sniffle and look up from the tissue, mostly to check if they’re buying any of this bullshit. “We hired someone to play Santa so we could set it up so she could catch him. Jasper went to the wrong house and lost his suit. Then, he went to my cousin’s old house by mistake. That’s where you caught him. This is all a simple misunderstanding. Please, show mercy. If not for me, for poor…Sabrina. That’s my cousin’s name. Poor Sabrina, who has nothing in the world and just wanted to catch Santa.”

Roy squats next to me and rubs my back just as Sheriff DeWitt comes out of his office and stops in the doorway, taking in the scene. “What in holy hell is going on in here? What is Holly Happy Hands doing here, and why is she crying?”

Deacon swivels around in his chair. “She’s here to get the guy that thinks he’s Santa Claus. She says she got him to pretend to be Santa so her little cousin could catch Santa on Christmas Eve.”

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