Page 35 of All I Wank for Christmas

“God,thisnighthasbeen one incident of needing a plan after another,” Holly sighs, sitting in the sleigh and wrapping the blanket around her shoulders.

I still can’t believe she came for me. Any other human would be back at home in bed, sleeping like a baby without another thought to my wellbeing. Most women I’ve met would have noped out the second I slid down their chimney. The fact that she got into the sleigh at all seems miraculous now that I have a moment to breathe.

She got in the sleigh. She helped me deliver presents. She took a taser hit and still let me kiss her. Then, she sucked my dick like no woman ever has.

Either she’s borderline insane or she’s the best woman in the world.

“New plan,” I say, pushing the blow job out of my mind. I can try, anyway. I have half a chub just sitting by her.

“You actually have one? Did sitting in prison allow you time to ruminate?”

“In a word, yes. It’s been enough time. The Tanners should be asleep. Hopefully, the sliding glass door we went out of is still unlocked.”

“We’re definitely going back?”

“We have to. I need the suit. You saw what happened when we tried this without a suit. Unless you want to punch a lot more punch cards tonight, I need to be able to get into houses and stay unseen. We’re going to have to suck it up.”

I park the sleigh back in the crop of evergreen trees. In front of us, the Tanner house is pitch black. Even the basement sliding door is dark. Either someone turned off the storage room bare bulb, or it burned out. If someone turned it off, they’ve been in the basement. I cross my fingers that the sliding door is still unlocked.

“I’m going to try the door. You stay here. Got it?”

“What if they’re up and you get caught?”

“Take the sleigh home this time. Don’t come for me.”

She crinkles her lip in a sneer. “Fine.”

“I know you’re not happy about it. Just let me do this. I’m just going to try the sliding door, get in the sex room, and grab my suit and your tights. This is fine.”

“Famous last words. Don’t forget to give Darryl his chaps back.”

I snap my fingers. “Chaps. Yes. I’ll do that.”

I kiss her on the forehead, take a deep breath, and jump out of the sleigh. This will work.

I hurdle the gate to the backyard and sprint to the sliding door. As soon as my fingers grab the handle, I don’t feel give, and my heart deflates. They locked it. Looking back at the sleigh, Holly’s covering her face with her hands.

I jump the fence again and plod to the sleigh. “Locked.”

“Think they know we were there?”

I put my hands on my hips. “Probably not. If they were in the dungeon, my stuff is in the bin and behind a cabinet. Your tights weren’t visible when we ran out of there. They’re probably in bed.”

“What do we do?” she asks, her voice quiet and practically a whisper.

This is the moment. I’ve been trained for this moment my whole life. It’s the moment when a Santa comes face to face with a normal person. It’s not something we actively invite, but it’s something we plan for in case it happens. I’m a man. I’m not a boy that should slink around and shimmy up drainpipes or pick a lock. I’m going to man up.

“I’m going to ring the doorbell and ask for my suit back.”

Holly shakes her head. “Nope. No way. What are you going to say? They won’t believe it.”

“I have to try. You stay here.”

“I’m coming with you. But Jasper, how are you going to get them to believe you?”

I look around the sleigh like I expect a decoy present or reindeer to solve my problem. How am I going to get them to believe me? Sure, I can tell them about the time they got fuzzy handcuffs and nipple clamps a couple years ago or the time when Kristin was on the naughty list when she was eight. Would that be enough?

My eyes flick to the decoy presents again. “We’ll take them a gift and explain what happened.”

---