Page 36 of All I Wank for Christmas

“What are we going to give them? All of the gifts in the back are spoken for and there’s nothing in the decoy present boxes. Those are just for appearance.”

“We still have their gifts,” I say. I flex my jaw and square my shoulders back.

Holly rears back like I slapped her. Her eyes widen, and her hands cover her mouth and nose. I pull her hands down as she sticks her tongue out and looks like she’s gagging. “Look at me, Holly.”

“We can’t…”

“We have to.”

“I won’t.”

“I’ll do it.”

“We cannot take those toys back to them, Jasper. One of them has been inside your butt. The other has been in my…well, it’s been in my vagina.” She shakes her head. “I can’t believe I just said that word to you.”

“Why?” I ask, tilting my head. “It’s the correct body part. I’m quite familiar with that particular part now. I’d classify it as a tasty snack.”

She shakes her head and looks up at me again. “We just can’t do it, Jasper.”

“It’ll be fine,” I say, waving my hand like I’m swiping the entire problem aside. “Everyone washes sex toys when they get them out of the box anyway. We’ll find a spare box in the warehouse, use the paper from a decoy present, and they won’t know the difference.”

“The smell may be a big indicator. I know if I got a new sex toy out and it smelled like it’d been in someone else’s butt or any other hole, I probably wouldn’t use it.”

I shrug. I know the Tanners and know they wouldn’t be bothered by it. They’d probably think it was a new marketing ploy for sex toys Like those stickers you can scratch and sniff. “They’ll boil them and be right as rain, Holly. You have to trust me. I’ve seen what that couple has done since they met in high school. Used sex toys is the least of their concern. I’m much more concerned about them catching syphilis from their swinger partners.” I put my hands on my hips and look around the sleigh. “If you have a better idea on how I can just walk up to their door at two in the morning and demand my pants back without at least offering them a present, I’d love to hear it.”

“No, I do not.” She closes her eyes and slowly shakes her head.

“Well, Dad always used to say that we go to war with the troops we have. This is what we have to work with, Holly.”

She grabs the front of my bibs and pushes her forehead to my chest. “Just give me a minute to get my bearings. I won’t let you go up to the door by yourself this time. It’ll be less intimidating if there’s a woman with you. Just let me…breathe for a moment.”

I wrap my arms around her shoulders and hold her. I could hold her forever. It’s cold and dregs of snow fly off the trees, landing in our hair. The moon shines overhead and even the owls are tired or just silent as they watch us decide if we’re giving away used sex toys.

She’s tired. I’m tired. Our bodies sag against each other in the cold air. I wish we were in a warm bed. Her bed. I wish my body was curled around her warmth as a fire crackled a few feet away. We’d wake after a long night’s sleep and get in a warm bath together. I’d wash her hair, and she’d lay her head on my chest.

We have to get through tonight first.

She must think the same because she raises her head and widens her eyes, forcing them open. “Let’s do this.”

We work in silence as we carefully unwrap a decoy present to use the paper. Holly goes into the warehouse and finds tape while I put the used sex toys into the decoy present box. I’m tempted to give them a little rinse by running them through the snow, but that would cause more problems than it would solve. I’d be more suspicious of a sex toy with a dried-out pine needle or dirt stuck to the handle. When she comes back with the tape, the toys are already packed and ready for the paper to be folded neatly over it.

I let Holly take point on wrapping. Believe it or not, it’s never been my specialty. The elves usually handle it, and I’m lucky to get the ends even when I fold over the paper. I’m a Santa that can’t wrap a gift correctly.

When she’s done, it’s perfect, complete with gold and silver ribbon on top. We stare at it a few moments, both of us filled with regret that we’re giving the Tanners used sex toys.

Blowing out a sigh that fluffs her bangs, Holly nods at me, spins toward the house, and I follow a few steps behind.

“Here goes nothing,” she says, raising the knocker and letting it down before ringing the doorbell. “We need to give them a minute. They may be scared or deep sleepers. I know I always wonder if I imagined a noise when someone knocks or rings the bell in the middle of the night.”

Holly waits a minute and rings the doorbell again, this time waiting a few seconds before knocking.

Thirty seconds later, there’s a shuffling sound on the other side of the door. “Who is it?” a woman’s voice asks.

“Hi, Kristin. It’s Santa Claus.”

Holly stares at me open-mouthed. “Really? You just hit her with it like a two-by-four in the face?”

“I thought honesty would be the best policy!”

---