Page 37 of All I Wank for Christmas

“That sounds sus as fuck, Jasper. Would you just swing the door open and wave us in?”

There’s silence on the other side of the wood. I put my hand on the door like I can calm Kristin by using magic. Putting my hand on the cold oak steadies me if nothing else. “Kristin, I came by to deliver your presents earlier tonight. But, well, I know about your sex room. I can prove I was there. Your storage room light was on, and your sliding door was unlocked when you came home tonight.”

The door opens an inch, catching the chain. Smart woman. I only see half of her face, but her eyes are brown, and her hair is fire-engine red. I give a small wave and smile my best “I’m not a psycho here to kill you” smile.

Kristin looks out and runs her eyes up and down both of us, but she squints when she focuses on me. “What the hell are you wearing?”

“Who is it, Kristin?” Darryl asks from the other side of the door. He stomps toward us and joins his wife, half of his face appearing over hers. His beard is graying, and his silver hair is in a man bun.

“He says he’s Santa.”

“That’s the screwiest Santa I’ve ever seen,” Darryl chuckles. He doesn’t shut the door in our faces, though. That’s something.

“He knew the door was unlocked and the light was on,” Kristin whispers to her husband.

I have to do something so they’ll believe us. I never do this. I don’t like bringing out the big guns, but Christmas for children depends on it. I look Darryl dead in the eyes and drop info like I’m dropping a deuce on his lap. “Darryl, when you were ten years old, you were interested in model trains. My father, the Santa at the time, got you one. But your father didn’t want you interested in anything but tools. Who knows why he didn’t like the model trains, but he burned the train set in the backyard. I know you wrote for the next two years, asking for a new set. We never delivered because we knew it would end up in the burn pit. My father put you on the list to get whatever you want for the rest of your life as long as you ask. You still write us every year, and we deliver every single time.”

“Is that true? Did your dick dad do that?” Kristin asks Darryl.

Darryl stares at me, and I hold his gaze. “I never told anyone that.”

I take a deep breath. “You know I exist because you still write me, and you get the yearly gifts.” Darryl and Kristin both nod. “I don’t have my suit because I also know about your sex room. If you go down to your basement, you’ll find this lovely lady’s tights.” I gesture to Holly, and she waves. “You’ll find the top of my suit behind one of the cabinets on the far wall. My pants are in your BDSM bin. If you go check, I’d appreciate it. You don’t need to unlock the door. We’ll wait here.” I take a step back and pull Holly with me, trying to show Darryl and Kristin that we’re not here simply to get entrance into their house. “We just want our clothes back…and to apologize for violating your privacy like that.”

“Why did you go down there?” Darryl asks.

“See the woman next to me?” I gesture at Holly. “I had a chance to have fun with her in your sex room, and I took it. I know you, Darryl. You may not know me, but I know a lot about you. I know that you understand that feeling. The feeling of wanting to be with a woman so badly, that you make poor decisions.”

Darryl looks at Kristin and chews his lip, thinking. He looks back at Holly, who looks at the ground. I hope I didn’t royally embarrass her, but I thought the truth was necessary here.

“Close the door and lock it while I go check,” he instructs Kristin.

I nearly fall on the floor in relief as Kristin locks the door in our faces. It’s fine. Darryl will go downstairs, find our clothes, and we’ll exchange them for their Christmas gift. I slide my hand into Holly’s and squeeze it. “I’m sorry if that made you feel awkward. I had to tell them what we did.”

She gives a wry smile. “Well, you didn’t tell them all of it. I mean, they don’t know the details.”

She leans her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes until loud footsteps sound on the other side of the door. When the door opens, it opens all the way, revealing Darryl’s barrel chest and white tank top all rural men must own. His boxer shorts have ducks on them, but I don’t care what he’s wearing. It’s all I can do not to hug the man since he’s holding Holly’s tights in one hand and my suit in the other.

“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me why you need these so bad. Just seems like regular clothes,” he says, running his eyes up and down my suit.

“Would you believe me if I said that’s the only thing that gets me into a house unseen? That’s why we knocked. I have to have them back.”

Darryl hands them over and smiles. “Well, I can’t be responsible for Santa Claus not being able to deliver presents to children. I’d have a place in hell for sure.”

I take the suit and flex my hands against the cotton. If it wouldn’t be indecent, I’d drop the bibs right here and jump into it. But Kristin’s looking over Darryl’s shoulder, still scared.

“I almost forgot! Here are your presents for the year,” I say, holding the package out to them. "There's something in there for both of you." I feel Holly stiffen beside me, probably trying to keep from gagging. “Uh…Merry Christmas.”

Darryl smiles like a child, showing a gap between his teeth. “Well, Merry Christmas to you!”

“Sorry about the middle of the night wake up, and I’ll see you next year. Feel free to go big on present requests.”

“I’ll do that. You take care.”

He shuts the door on us, and we wait until the living room light flicks off before looking at each other slowly. I hand over her tights, and she grabs them like they’ll burn my hand if I hold them any longer.

I pull her to me for a hug and smile against her skin. “Let’s get the fuck out of here before they sniff their gifts.”

Chapter14

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