Page 21 of I Promise You
I discovered our baby’s gender at the hospital before I was discharged, but I never said a word. I needed time to process everything, and finding out I had a son was another blow to what could have been. The little family we were supposed to have.
When Danny left to shower at home and face the curiosity of his parents about how they didn’t know he had a girlfriend, neverthelessa pregnant one, I asked the doctors to let mesee him. Hold the baby I lost. I’ve been holding it inside all this time and can’t do it anymore.
I’ll never get to hold my son as he coos in my hands, scrunching his butt out as all newborns do when they stretch.
This hurts so much.
“We had ason,” I repeat, holding Danny tighter until I can’t breathe. I claw my hands into his shirt, looking for some release from this unbearable pain. When will it stop?What did I do to deserve this?
He consoles me, rubbing my arms, embracing me closer, and kissing my cheek. It’s rare, but I’m growing used to it.
“I don’t have a baby inside of me anymore. I used to say good morning to him every day, but now I can’t. I have to grieve for my brother and now my son, too?!” I shout. “This isn’t fair, Danny. Why is this happening? Please make it stop.” I protest to God, no longer speaking to Danny. I yell at the ceiling as if he can hear my declarations.
“Everything will be okay, Ari. I know it’s not right now…but someday, everything will be okay, I promise you.”
7
DANNY
Ari fell asleep on my chest in the bathtub after asking me the same questions over and over again.
“Why Danny? Why us? Why our baby?”
I carried her naked body, dried her up, and clothed her in her favorite pajamas. She’s now in bed, sleeping harder than I’ve ever seen her do.
Nothing has ever made me feel like this.
No one has.
I fear nothing.
I’m calm, collected, quiet even.
But seeing my little angel like this…it kills me.
Something’s different about me. Something inside me has changed, but I don’t resent it this time.
I welcome it.
I’m leaning in the doorway, watching her. My arms are crossed against my chest, one leg over the other, watching her take slow, deep, and steady breaths.
If I had only killed Shane the night before he and Nora attacked her, Ari would still be pregnant. She would still be carrying our son. And she wouldn’t have had to go through this darkness.
Ari’s mother would be okay.
She begged me not to go that night. She begged me to stay the night I discovered he had continued to screw with her.
I’ll always do what she asks because she is my weakness. There’s not a thing I wouldn’t do for her. I’ll cross every fucking line, I’ll break all the rules, I’ll drown in her love.
I’ll die for her.
Still…
I will never forgive myself for not getting to Shane sooner. First, Paul, and now this?
When I killed Shane, the police cleared me of any wrongdoing after a thorough investigation, and I wasn’t charged. However, Nora will be imprisoned for the rest of her life.
Our son is gone, and I feel like pieces of me are forever gone with him. I thought I didn’t want kids.
