Page 84 of Heal Me

“How are you?” Tom hangs up his coat and snorts at my rain gear, then walks to my desk and stands in front of me with his arms crossed, staring at me expectantly.

“I mostly have my head on straight. But Jocelin isn’t talking to me.” I clench my jaw and try not to let my emotions leak out through my eyes.

“Yeah, I know. I talked with him yesterday. He doesn’t understand what happened.”

“I realize that now. Honestly, it wasn’t intentional. I thought everyone would know what I was doing and would tell Joce not to worry. I mean, I used to do it all the time when I had something big to work through. You all know that. And I can take care of myself.”

Tom drops into a chair, pinning me with a look. “We get it. But for the record, I was starting to worry. You’ve never been gone this long before. I was beginning to wonder if we needed to involve search and rescue.”

There’s no humor in his eyes and I realize what everyone was probably thinking. “I’d never hurt myself, Tom. I promise.”

He nods. “Good to know. I never would have considered it in the past, but you changed things up this time. Stayed away longer than usual. We had to consider the possibility.” Fuck. I’m such a dumbass. “When it was just you, it was alright to take off like that. But you have Jocelin now. And you can’t do that to him. Not without talking to him first.”

I look down at my hands. “I’m not so sure I do have him anymore.” I clench my jaw, refusing to cry. “He won’t talk to me.”

“Which is why I think it’s time to get professional help again. Don’t fuck around with this, Gunnar. Call Cass. Maybe if Jocelin knows you’re trying to deal with it, he’ll be more open to talking to you.”

I nod, dragging my hands through my hair.

“Good. Call her and make an appointment.” Tom’s voice softens. “So, how’s Bjorn? Jocelin said he was awake.”

“Yeah, he’s doing better. I talked to him yesterday. He looked like shit, but he sounded good.”

Tadhg and Quinn come into the office, and I brace myself for the blast.

‘Morning. Gunnar, it’s good to see you. Hopefully, this means Bjorn is recovering.’

Neither looks angry at all. In fact, they seem happy to see me. ‘Yes. He’s awake and doing well. Thanks for asking. And thanks for understanding about last week… giving me the time off.’

Tadhg waves his hand dismissively. ‘Of course. You were where you needed to be. With family. I’m sure it was stressful for everyone. Anyway, Quinn and I stopped for donuts, so help yourselves.’

Quinn waves the box in his hand and jerks his thumb over his shoulder. ‘I’m going to put them in the kitchen.’

I glance at Tom, who’s eyeing me meaningfully. ‘I’m going to go check out the donuts. No one tell Josie.’

Tadhg sips his coffee and looks at me expectantly, so I dive in before I can second guess myself. ‘Tadhg, I need to speak with you for a minute. If you have the time now?’

He raises an eyebrow. ‘Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this conversation?’

I stand and walk toward the door. ‘Your office might be best.’ I follow him down the hall with Quinn not far behind, looking at us curiously. We step into the office and I close the door behind me. ‘So, I’m not going to sugar-coat this. I fucked up.’ They wait expectantly, and if I wasn’t absolutely certain Jocelin hadn’t said anything, I’d think they are letting me stew in my own juices. ‘So, I was kind of messed up over what happened to Bjorn, and once we knew he’d be okay, I still wasn’t right.’

They watch me with unreadable expressions, and from these two, that doesn’t bode well. They’re usually pretty easygoing. ‘When I need to clear my head, I jump on my bike and take off to work through it.’ The more I say it, the more stupid it sounds. God, I’m a fool. I really screwed up so badly. ‘So that’s what I did this time, too. Only I didn’t call or text anyone to tell them what I was doing. And now Jocelin won’t talk to me.’

Quinn groans and rubs his face, but Tadhg is calm. Very calm. And staring at me. ‘So, let me see if I understand. Your brother was stabbed, and it was life-threatening. Jocelin stayed by your side the whole time. Once you knew your brother would be okay, you took off like an emo teenager to find yourself or whatever, and you left behind the man who supported you through the whole ordeal, without telling him a thing. You also didn’t call him the entire time you were gone. Am I missing anything?’

I swallow and shake my head, barely keeping up with his ever increasing signing speed. ‘No, that pretty much summarizes it.’

Quinn waves to get Tadhg’s attention, but Tadhg ignores him. ‘Now Jocelin is so upset he won’t even talk to you.’ The anger in Tadhg’s eyes is uncomfortable, but the scorn is unbearable. ‘You are a fool. You are the biggest fool on the face of this earth. You’ve hurt the kindest, sweetest man, who would have done anything you asked of him.’ Quinn tries again to get Tadhg’s attention, but Tadhg only holds up a hand, asking Quinn to wait while he keeps signing at me. ‘You’ve taken the gentlest soul, and you’ve squeezed his heart between your fingers and crushed it. No wonder he hasn’t returned any of our calls. He’s been covering for you.’

Tadhg smiles, but it’s cold and pitiless. ‘I warned you not to hurt him. I very specifically asked you never to do that.’ He shakes his head. ‘Go. Go back to your desk and work on something. If you need anything, talk to Quinn or Tom. You really don’t want to be around me right now.’ He stands and turns his back, dismissing me.

I glance at Quinn, who winces in sympathy. I leave their office and hurry back to my desk. Tom looks up and raises an eyebrow, but I shake my head, not wanting to talk about it. Dropping into my chair, I pull up the project I’m supposed to work on, but I can’t concentrate. My mind keeps wandering back to Jocelin. When I can’t take it anymore, I pull out my phone.

Me: Joce, I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t help. But I am.

Me:I miss you. Please call me

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