Page 87 of Heal Me

Frustration builds in my chest because this isn’t anything I didn’t already come to on my own. “That’s not really helping me choose, though.”

He nods. “I know. Unfortunately, this isn’t cut and dry. The call is completely yours. You need to decide if you can forgive him for being an ass. I, of course, will support you, whichever way you go. And Astrid will too. She’s said as much. In fact, if what Stef said isn’t just Stef being dramatic, your entire friend group will support whatever decision you make.”

I blanch. “What exactly does that support entail if I decide not to forgive him? Is someone going to beat him up?” Then I think of something infinitely worse. “Shit, you don’t think Tadhg and Quinn would fire him, do you? That would be excessive. He was a jerk, but he didn’t intentionally set out to hurt me.”

Blake shakes his head. “I doubt it. That would be poor business. From what Tadhg says, Gunnar is a brilliant architect.” He grins. “Although if Tadhg ever found out you’d told Gunnar that, he’d probably never forgive either of us.” I take a breath and relax. “But…” Blake holds up a finger. “…based on your very visible concern regarding his job, I think you’ve answered your own question about what to do.”

I press my knuckles against my eyes and sigh. “Maybe I have.” The waiter brings our meals, and I will myself to remain civilized and not shovel every bite into my mouth. The last time I ate, or felt like eating, was lunch yesterday. Blake kindly ignores the way I inhale my food. He was definitely the right person to call. I knew he’d be impartial enough to come at the situation fairly. “Thank you. For lunch, for the restaurant pick, for listening. And really, just for always being an amazing friend.”

“You’re welcome. I value our friendship, and I’m very glad you’re feeling better. Astrid will be glad, too. She’s been very upset for you.”

That makes me feel even better. “I haven’t really talked to her about this. I was worried about putting her in the middle. She loves us both, and it would have hurt her even more.”

Blake nods. “She understands. But I think it will ease her mind to know you’ve made a decision.”

“Thank you again.”

“Anytime, Jocelin. You know that.”

Conversation turns to more nebulous topics, mostly because I steer it that way. Once Blake realizes what I’m doing, he keeps the discussion light and stress free. When lunch is over, he offers to drop me off at my loft since it’s on the way to his office. The quick twenty-minute ride is quiet. I’m lost in my own thoughts, and Blake doesn’t try to pull me into conversation, opting to check his emails instead. When the limo pulls up outside my building, I hug him. “Thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, Jocelin. If you need anything at all, please call me?”

I nod and slide out of the car, walking into the building in a bit of a fog, my mind on Gunnar and how I want to proceed. When I step out of the elevator into my living room, my phone buzzes.

Gunnar: Joce. I’m so sorry. Really

Gunnar:I know you said to stop texting you, but...

My heart is hammering a million miles a second, and my stomach swoops. It takes me a very long minute of staring at the screen before I make up my mind to send a reply.

Me: I’m really confused right now. I need time to think

Me:Can you give me that?

Gunnar: Yes! Absolutely. Whatever you need

Gunnar: I miss you, Joce

I slip my phone into my pocket and pretend to ignore the way my heart flutters in my chest.

43

Gunnar

Islouchdowninthe patio chair and stare at the lake, thinking about what Jocelin said on the phone. My chest aches with the memory. He’d said the three words I’d been dying to hear. The words I’ve wanted to say to him for such a long time. But Joce had the balls to say them. And then he’d said he didn’t want to see me again. I press my fingers to the bridge of my nose and squeeze my eyes shut.

“That bad, huh?” Astrid pulls up a chair.

“Worse.” I glance away, trying to get myself under control.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I shake my head. “Not really.” We sit silently for a few minutes before I cave like she knew I would. “He told me he loves me.”

“What?!” Astrid leans closer and takes my hand. “When?”

That simple touch feels so grounding that I almost sob with relief. I squeeze her hand tightly. “I called him Thursday night. He actually answered.” I look at her. “He was drunk off his ass.” I glance away again, somehow finding the words easier that way. “He really told me off. Said some really mean things. None of it was a lie, though. Then he told me he loves me, but he doesn’t think he wants to see me again.” The pain had been so excruciating, I’d honestly thought I might die from it. Absently, I rub the spot on my chest. “I hurt him so badly, Bean. I never meant to hurt him.” I bite the inside of my cheek to keep my voice steady. “I love him.”

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