Page 88 of Heal Me

“Ohhh, Gunnar.” She squeezes my hand. “Did you tell him?”

I shake my head. “I wanted to. So many times, I wanted to. But it was never the right time.”

“Gunnar.” I can hear the exasperation in her voice, and I deserve it. “Anytime is the right time. You need to tell him.”

“How can I tell him now? He’ll think I’m only saying it to get him back.” I drag my fingers through my hair. “I wasn’t thinking straight when I took off. If I had been, I never would have left. I never would have needed to leave.”

“So what are you going to do?” She rubs my arm.

I shrug. “I texted him on Friday. Told him again that I was sorry. He actually texted back. Said he was confused and needed me to give him time.”

I risk a glance her way. Her expression is hopeful. “So that’s good. Right?”

“I don’t know.” My vision blurs with unshed tears. “What if he never wants to see me again? What if he never forgives me?” I try to look her in the eyes, but can’t see clearly through my unshed tears. “What if I can never hold him again? What if…” Covering my face with my hands, I suck in shuddering breaths, unable to finish that thought.

“Do you want me to call him?”

“What?” I love and hate the idea.

“I can call him. He’ll answer the phone for me. He called in sick on Friday, so that can be my excuse if I need one. I can call to check on him.”

I’m not sure what to say. I really want to say yes, but I don’t know if Astrid calling him would make things better or worse. But I also can’t stand the idea of not trying. “Okay. Yeah. Call him.”

She takes out her phone and dials. She waits, and I assume the phone is ringing. “Hi, sweetie. How are you feeling?” She looks at me, eyes big, and smiles. “Yeah, gang’s all here. They let Bjorn out of the hospital on Friday, so Erik insisted on cooking for everyone. He’s turning into quite the chef. Everyone says hello, and we all miss you.” There’s a pause while Jocelin says something. “Jocelin, sweetie, is there anything I can do?” After another, longer pause, she grimaces. “Yeah, he mentioned that.” She listens for another minute, nodding. “That’s given him a bit of hope. I hope you intended to.” She sighs into the phone. “I know. Do you want to...?” Glancing at me, she winces. “Sure. Lunch sounds good. I’d like that. How about tomorrow or Tuesday? Okay. Sounds good. See you, sweetie.”

I watch Astrid’s face for any sign of what Jocelin might have said. “Well, he misses you too. He did say he wants to talk to you at some point.” Sighing, she rests her hand on mine. “Honestly, Gunnar, he sounds upset, but it was hopeful, if that makes any sense. And I don’t think I’m reading into things. I really don’t. He just needs some time to process. Get his mind around it.”

I nod. “I guess. Cassandra said something similar. Something about as long as Jocelin is communicating, it’s a good thing.”

She leans in and kisses my cheek. “So how’s it going with Cassandra? Can I ask about that?”

I inhale deeply before replying. “It’s going well, I think. She’s pretty no nonsense, so she calls me on my bullshit. But she has a way of approaching topics that doesn’t immediately make me defensive.”

“Is it helping?”

I shrug. “I think so. It’s kind of hard to tell when you’re in the middle of it. But it helped last time, so I’m hoping this time helps too.”

There’s a few minutes of comfortable silence before Astrid speaks again. “I think you should tell Jocelin you’re talking to Cass again. Trying to work through things. Maybe it will help.”

I’ve thought of that too. “If I ever talk to him again when he isn’t drunk, I will. He deserves to know that, at least.”

44

Jocelin

Withabitofcreative truth stretching about my actual workload, I’m able to avoid lunch with Astrid for the first half of the week. But by the time Thursday rolls around, I’m feeling guilty. I know she wants to talk about Gunnar, and while I’m able to think about him and not turn into an emotional wreck, I’m still undecided about what I want to do. But I can’t avoid her forever. She’ll just ride down the elevator and corner me in my office.

Astrid:Lunch?

Me:Sure

Astrid:Really?!

That makes me feel especially guilty.

Me:rolling_eyes emojiyes really

Astrid:Okay. Pick you up at noon?

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