Page 71 of Tall, Royal and Grumpy

I watched his feet take two aggressive steps towards me until I could feel the heat of his rage coming off his body in brutal waves. “Do you know how embarrassing it was to have everyone realise that my heir was using the Peace Celebration to mess around with Prince Kai instead of doing her duty?”

My gaze flew up to his as a painful jerk ricocheted through my chest. No…

I could take every complaint, accusation, and scold Kareem had for me. I could take the hurt every time he referred to me as “his heir” and not his sister. But my whole body screamed in protest at the way he belittled what was between me and Kai. No. I wouldn’t let him do that.

“I wasn’t messing around,” I said, my words coming out rushed and quiet. “We weren’t—”

“Look at yourself, Esmeralda,” he snapped. “You can’t tell me you weren’t fuck—”

“I like him,” I sobbed as loudly as I could before Kareem soiled what Kai and I had done.

I choked on a breath as liquid fire pooled in my eyes, turning Kareem’s face into a blur. “I like him,” I repeated, pinching my thigh in hopes it would make the tears go away. “I like him, and he likes me too. And we—we did—but it was more than what you’re making it sound like.” I swallowed the salty heat in my mouth. “We fell asleep, Kareem. I fell asleep with him.”

Kareem’s face slowly came back into focus. To no surprise, the anger in his eyes remained unchanged.

“Do you think the media would care about your feelings,” he asked, sounding misleadingly calm, “if someone leaked that you were running around the palace half-naked after sleeping with him?”

I bit down on my trembling lip, keeping a sob of frustration behind the barrier of my teeth.

It was always that. The media. The world. People. What would they think? What would they do? What would they say? It was always about them with Kareem.

I understood why. He was a young king. Everyone had been so sceptical of his ability to rule when he was coronated seven and a half years ago, so he worked tirelessly to prove them wrong. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt that it was never about me. But I knew it never would be. What I wanted and felt were the last things he cared about. He barely even tolerated me.

Kareem swayed back, standing cruel and tall over me, appearing so big despite his lean frame. “Stay away from him, Esmeralda. The last thing I need right now is to deal with a scandal because of you.”

The world seemed to tilt and break under my feet. I was shaking my head desperately before he’d even finished his sentence, panic gnawing through my chest. “No, Kareem, please.” My voice cracked as I struggled to breathe. “Please. I like him—I—I fell asleep with—”

“I don’t care, Esmeralda,” he roared.

“I know you don’t care,” I yelled back.

I didn’t know where the shout came from. Maybe from all the frustration, sadness, and anger that had been building up over the years from his neglect. But I shocked myself as much as I shocked him.

I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth as a sob retched from me. The tears I’d been fighting to hold in finally escaped. It took me a few moments, but I forced myself to breathe, to steel my shoulders, and swiped away any evidence of the dampness on my cheeks.

If I was finally going to confront Kareem, I refused to do it while falling apart.

“I know you don’t care,” I repeated. “You’re not even listening to what I am saying.”

“I fell asleep with him, Kareem.” I patted a hand to my chest. “Me. I haven’t slept properly since Mother… But I fell asleep with Kai because he…”

Kareem’s eyes narrowed and I swallowed slowly, letting my hand fall limp by my side. “Because he made me feel safe,” I whispered. “He makes me feel safe and protected. And wanted. He makes me feel cared about.” I shook my head. “And I haven’t felt that in years.”

My gaze blurred over. “You hate me, Kareem. You have since Mother told us about Father, and—” I cut off my words and bit down on my bottom lip until it stopped trembling. “I know things haven’t been easy for you, I know things only got harder when you became king, but I was a child. I was scared and confused, and I needed you. But instead of seeing how I was struggling when everything I knew turned out to be a lie, you punished me every day for something that wasn’t my fault.”

Tears seared down my cheeks, but I didn’t have the strength to wipe them away. “You were so cruel and bitter, and I never blamed you for it because you were angry. But you hurt me so much. I became nothing to you. Unless it came to duty. And I have tried so hard to make sure you are satisfied with my work, because hoping for you to care about me again is pointless. But nothing I do is ever good enough for you. You still act like you wish I didn’t exist.

“Sometimes at night I used to wonder if—if that was the only way I could make you happy.” I struggled for a breath over the pain squeezing the life out of my heart. “If I just ran away and disappeared from your life. Or if I just stopped existing entirely.”

I choked on a sniffle of shame from hearing those words. I had never admitted them aloud before. Not to Mariyah, not to Shehryar, or to his mother, Mama Katiya. I barely even acknowledged the thoughts myself. But when Kareem made his hatred so obvious, when he made me so miserable and lonely every day, sometimes those sorts of thoughts became inevitable.

Kareem’s eyes might have widened, but a new stream of tears flooded my vision before I could properly see. “I wasn’t brave enough to do either,” I whispered, “but sometimes I wondered if you were.” Someone made a soft, shaky sound, I didn’t know who. “I wondered if one day you would tell me you’d had enough and wanted me gone. Or that you might expose me to the world.”

“I am constantly scared of messing up in case that’s the last straw. But I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish I had my brother back. I want Jahmal to feel like a home again.” A huff of broken amusement slipped from my lips. “But it’s never really been my home, has it?”

I used both hands to scrub away the wetness running down my cheeks, seeing properly for the first time the blank look on Kareem’s face. I didn’t know why I thought he might make a different face.

Silence filled the room as I took a few moments to gather myself.

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