Page 75 of Tall, Royal and Grumpy

“We were close when we were little,” she said on an exhale, “even though he’s eight years older than me. We did everything together. We were inseparable.” Her voice went quiet as her eyes filled with tears. Nothing had ever made me feel so helpless before, because I couldn’t do anything other than hold her tighter and listen.

“Then Father passed away in a boating accident, and I was only six. I didn’t really understand what was going on other than he was gone, but things became difficult for Mother. I hardly saw her that first year after, and Kareem started growing distant too. Especially after he was proclaimed the future Prince Consort.”

I remembered the accident Esmeralda was talking about, probably more than she did.

I was twelve when it happened, and the news of the King’s death was horrific. It was my first experience of death, the first funeral I attended with Mother and Father too. I remembered giving my condolences to Kareem—who was only two years older than me—though I didn’t recall seeing Esmeralda. And I watched on the TV months later when it was officially announced that in accordance with Jahandar’s hereditary line of succession, Kareem was to become Prince Consort.

As Prince Consort it meant that Kareem, as the next in line, had to rule alongside the Queen once he reached the age of twenty-one until the crown was officially passed down to him. It was a concept that Prio and Shah had too. We had it in Touma too, but our line of succession wasn’t hereditary.

“I ended up spending most of my days with Shehryar and Mama Katiya, his mother and my governess, but there were days where I used to silently follow Kareem around just so I could spend some time with him. But then—” She stopped. Something flashed in her eyes, maybe panic, but she dropped her lashes too quickly for me to be able to understand the look properly. She held still and silent for several beats after.

“Then one day, he no longer had the time nor the patience for me anymore. I was ten,” she said, her voice shaking. “I think it was the pressure of everything, and when we found out Mother was ill after the expedition to Dale…” She gave a watery shake of her head and my chest twisted painfully. I tugged her close in a tight hug, pressing her cheek against my shoulder.

I remembered that too.

The late Queen of Jahandar’s visit to a military camp in the southern mountains of Dale had been all over the news when it became known that her and several other soldiers and military officers had caught a degenerative illness. The world’s leading scientists discovered it had been caused by contact from a one-of-a-kind, poisonous plant. But they didn’t find a cure or an antidote quick enough. Thirty people had died as a result, including the Queen.

I couldn’t pretend I knew the pain of losing one, let alone both parents, so I didn’t know what to say. I just pressed my cheek to her forehead, hoping to comfort her even a little bit.

“I know he was scared and worried, but it was like he completely forgot that I was scared and worried too,” she mumbled, the wind almost stealing away her watery words. “And when Mother passed away, he completely shut me out.

“The night of her funeral, I sat outside his bedroom and waited for hours, and when he finally came, he told me get up and go back to my room. He said I was going to be the Crown Princess and I couldn’t act like a child anymore. He didn’t even look at me as he said it.”

There wasn’t a name for the feeling that washed over me. It was like nails of fire through my heart and a stampede of water buffalos charging angrily through my blood, shaking me down to the bone.

I couldn’t believe Kareem had said that to her. She couldn’t have been more than fifteen when the Queen died. She had been a child. How the fuck could he have said that to her?

She sniffed and scrunched in closer against the padding of my coat. “Everything after that became about image for him. And I understood. He had the pressure of the world on his shoulders, but nothing I did was good enough for him. He found fault in everything I did. He still does.

“This morning when he saw me in your T-shirt all he cared about was what the world would think if they found out. He didn’t care that I fell asleep with you. He didn’t care that I like you. All he cared about was me causing a scandal. And now he wants me to stay away from you.”

Everything inside me turned ice cold. “What?”

She pushed against me to sit up, scrunching my coat in her fists. She shook her head firmly as tears streamed down her face. “I won’t. I won’t stay away from you. I don’t want to. I can’t.”

Agonising understanding tied a rope around my chest and my face twisted. That wasn’t the end of her sentence. And I held nothing against her for it, but that didn’t mean it still didn’t rip me apart.

I cupped her face in both of my trembling hands, her cheeks hot and wet against my cold skin. She immediately let out a retched sob. A damp pressure built at the back of my eyes.

“I don’t want him to hate me even more, Kai,” she cried, pleading me to understand.

I yanked her to me, pressing her face against my shoulder and my lips to her cheek. I kept my mouth there as I hushed her and rocked her, not knowing what else to do. My mind whirled to find something to say but it was coming up blank. What was I supposed to say?

I had no idea what to do. No clue how I could fix this for her. For us. I didn’t want this thing between us to be the reason she was suffering at her brother’s hands, but neither was I strong enough to let her go. I couldn’t. I couldn’t lose her. I wouldn’t.

“Esmeralda,” I rasped against her skin. “I’ll—we’ll figure something out. We will. I promise. We—we can talk to him. I’ll talk to him. So don’t cry. Don’t worry. Please. Please.”

My voice lacked any conviction, because as I sat there holding her, I had this sickening feeling in my stomach that there was nothing I could do to fix this.

It was out of my control.

* * *

Esmeralda

I’m sorry I’m staying in my room tonight

Her message came that night once everyone had gone to bed. I read it and I understood it. I understood why too. But I went down to the library anyway.

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