Page 125 of Tall, Royal and Grumpy

Her soft gaze scanned my face before she nodded towards the bed. “Come on. With all these men around we haven’t been able to have a proper girl’s chat, and I think we’re long overdue one.”

Sitting the cushions up against the headboard, we got comfortable on the bed and pulled the duvet over our legs. I dropped my head on Mama Katiya’s shoulder, and she took my hand in hers, kneading her thumbs into my up-turned palm.

“Sher told me what happened last night,” she said quietly. “Why did you tell him to send Prince Kai away without speaking to him?”

I squeezed my eyes shut as Kai’s broken plea replayed in my ears. “Because,” I whispered. A painful ache burned through my chest. “I couldn’t face him. I felt guilty. It is my truth, but someone is using it to hurt him, and he doesn’t deserve that. That’s the last thing I want for him.”

“And what about you? Because you don’t deserve to be hurt either, Esmeralda.”

“I know, but I don’t have a choice. It’s my reality; I have to live with it. Kai doesn’t have to. He has a choice. He doesn’t have to carry the burden. But he’s trying to, and I… What if he regrets it later?”

“If he has a choice, my dear,” she said, turning my palm over and brushing her thumbs over the back of my hand, “then it’s in his prerogative to pick whatever he wants. But it sounds to me like you’re trying to make that choice for him rather than accept what he has chosen.”

“But his choice—”

“Is you,” she said as a soft, indisputable fact. “Prince Kai has chosen you. And from what I’ve heard, he has been running around like a man on a mission since yesterday doing everything in his power to protect your secret. He hid what he could of the truth from his own family too.” She paused. “I was there when he told his parents the message in the email was a recording of you telling him about your falling out with King Kareem, but it had been made to seem like it was something it wasn’t. He stopped me after to tell me the truth of the recording.

“Do you know what he said to me when I asked why he didn’t tell them the truth?” she asked. “He said, ‘because it’s Esmeralda’s truth to tell, and if she doesn’t want anyone to know, then I will make certain that no one knows. Including my own family’.” A burning dampness filtered over my gaze, turning Mama Katiya’s face into a blur. “He isn’t spending every waking hour trying to find the people who did this because he’s scared of the truth coming out. He is doing it to give you back the power over your own truth.”

I blinked away the liquid shame brimming in my eyes and hung my head. “I’m a coward.”

“No, sweetie. You aren’t a coward. You’re scared. And I have no doubt that part of that fear is because you’re worried about what it means for the people you love. But I think a part of you is projecting too.” She brushed my hair back from my temple, running two fingers over and around my ear. “I think your fear for them is a reflection of how scared you are for yourself. But you find it easier to worry about others, because that is what you have been doing for so long. Whether out of guilt or obligation, I don’t know, but you’re trying not to put yourself first. So, worrying about Kai is your way of coping with how you’re feeling.”

There was no holding back the tears as the truth of her words ripped the veil off me, leaving me exposed, raw, bleeding out. I searched desperately for words to deny it, hide it. But she was right.

You’re not allowed to cry. Be grateful for what you have. Don’t complain, you’re not even a real princess. Duty first, always. Your feelings don’t matter. Don’t give him a reason to kick you out.

You were never meant to be a part of this family, so just shut up and keep your head down.

I’d lost count of the number of times I had told myself those things, training myself to put my feelings last. I was convinced my circumstances meant I had to accept what I was given and not ask for anything more. That I wasn’t allowed to be scared or show hurt or complain. I had accepted Kareem’s cold treatment without any objection for over a decade for exactly those reasons.

Guilt for being my father’s mistake, doing my best to play a role I wasn’t meant to have been casted for. Penance for ruining a family—I was the reason Kareem and Mother drifted apart.

But I had always been scared about what would happen if my illegitimacy came out.

It was just hard to worry about myself when I had spent so long convincing myself I wasn’t worth worrying over. So, I worried about keeping it a secret for the sake of not hurting those around me.

It was easier to push Kai away than it was to admit I was terrified of what the world would say to me.

Mama Katiya gently curled her arm around me, cupping the side of my head as she guided me into the crook of her arm. “You don’t have to hide that you’re scared, my dear, and you certainly don’t have to bear it all by yourself either. That’s the great thing about family and loved ones. You’re allowed to rely on them for support when you need it.”

“When I fell pregnant at nineteen, my parents supported me in a way I could never have imagined. They weren’t disappointed in me nor were they hurt because of me, they guided me and protected me, and when Shehryar was born, they were the happiest I had ever seen them.

“That is not to say I wasn’t still terrified of what people in my community were whispering about me. But if I had listened to them, then I wouldn’t have tried to do better for myself and gotten a new job. Queen Amaya wouldn't have become my closest friend. And I wouldn’t have been lucky enough to raise my son alongside a beautiful, bubbly little princess, who gave me just as much love as she gave her own mother. Because Amaya was always your real mother, Esmeralda.”

She pressed a heavy kiss to my head and a new, different flow of tears rolled down my cheeks. “And if anyone gave me the choice, I would go through those four difficult years all over again just to end up exactly where I am right now.” She shrugged against me. “And well, it seems the joke is on the people who judged me, because now I’m boinking a prince who’s desperate to marry me.”

A surprised, watery giggle spilled from my mouth. “My point is,” she said, swiping at the dampness on my cheeks with her fingers. “In this world, there will unfortunately always be people who have something to say about things that are not any of their business, and while it’s absolutely fine to be scared, the only person who suffers if you let that fear dictate your life, is you. You are better off claiming who you are, so they cannot use it against you.”

Tucking a finger under my chin, she tilted my head up higher. “It is your choice who you tell. But it is also your choice how you feel and think about your own truth.” She shook her head. “It has never made you dirty or unwanted, Esmeralda. It has never changed the fact that you are a princess. It doesn’t change the beautiful young woman you are now. And it certainly hasn’t changed that Prince Kai is head over heels in love with you. So don’t let it change what you want with him.”

Her words slowly cleared the cloud of fear distorting my thoughts, and with a sniff, I nodded.

“As for the people who only understand rubbish, outdated laws,” —she waggled her eyebrows— “my handsome fiancé has a Proposal of Change they can shove down their useless mouths.”

My lips spread into a small grin. “Are you officially engaged now?”

“Oh.” She flicked her hand in their air. “We’ve been secretly engaged for the last two, two-and-a-half years.” My brows flew up. “He gave me a ring too. I told him we had a few hurdles to jump over before we could marry, but he insisted I keep it because he would knock the hurdles down for me. And that’s exactly what he’s been preparing to do.” A distant, happy look filled her crystal green eyes. “I should probably wear it now, but I’m considering proposing to him myself first before I do.”

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